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I wish it were a non-day

What is a non-day? It’s a day where you choose what you want to do and what you just can’t be bothered to do because something or someone or both, happened to you. It’s also a day where you just don’t want to fucking do anything.

I’ve been chasing results for a urine sample for 3 months. Current results = inconclusive. I’ve just given two urine samples in two days with the promise of something… I stopped listing after I was handed the vessel to pee into.

All the chasing, the calls, the multiple clinic visits. It’s all for what? All it does is make me feel more stressed, want to curl up in bed and watch Netflix.

But I can’t do that. I can’t have a non-day until the weekend because I have to work.

I find myself becoming more and more and more exhausted with each passing minute.

I just want to turn my brain off.

- The Aftermath

From some still standing.

#chronic illness #survivorship #medical trauma #cancer #illness diary #it doesn’t stop here #the aftermath #still standing #modern gladiator

I hate hope.

I know that sounds bad. But I do.

Hope squeezes its way into the tiniest cracks. No matter how hard I try I cannot kill it. It is frail and tiny. So insignificant. Statistically worthless. And yet it persists.

And it hurts.

Everytime it shrinks it hurts a bit more. It is like hanging from a wire that keeps shrinking, cutting deeper and deeping into your hand as you cling to it. Yet it will not snap. No, it will slice you in two instead.

I wish I could let go. Stop the bleeding.

#hope #diary #my diary #dear diary #illness diary #severe me #living death #chronic illness #spoonie

sooo I havent had cramps after masturbation since like jan/feb which was basically right after the last time i was home and now i'm having it again six months later, at home????? im a week and a half before my period...its happened 2/2 since ive been here hmmmm

#personal #illness diary #cramps