seen from Kenya
seen from Bangladesh
seen from Singapore
seen from Bangladesh
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Mexico
seen from Trinidad & Tobago
seen from United States
seen from Jordan
seen from Indonesia
seen from Pakistan
seen from United States
seen from Australia
seen from Azerbaijan
seen from Germany
seen from China
seen from Indonesia
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from United States
[private
log number 27; 7.3.2020
už som sa rozhodol,
vzdať život,
navštíviť peklo,
kam patrím,
pretože som prázdna schránka,
ktorá ubližuje všetkým naokolo,
ako človek závislý na heroíne,
ktorému nezáleží na ničom inom,
než pocite eufórie,
ktorá po čase pominie,
rovnako ako stála,
stabilná myseľ,
keď stratíš všetko,
seba,
okolie,
aj zem pod sebou.
[private
log number 23; 3.2.2020
I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped training. I am burnt out; too sad to manage, too depressed and scared, to walk up the school corridors.
I am done, leaving my body to die. I cant be pretty, however i try; for anyone.
I am sorry to everyone, I know people hate me because I am me; so I wont bother.
Sorry mother,
sorry father, for failing.
I am too sensitive.
[private
Just one more time. Just a taste. — Every addict ever
[private
log number 22; 28.1.2020
Feeling like I might pack my shit and leave this goddamn city, once again. Hoseok playing a victim seems typical, as Taehyung told me a lot, about that poor man. He feels like exposing me being a bitch, will ruin me, fix me; whatever he’s thinking.
In fact, he is only making it worse for himself; yet he doesnt know who posseses the man he is into, right?
Who calls out “murder him,” and is capable of watching the body rot?
Who would search for a worthless thing like him? Not even his own friends - as if he had any.
And even if I have been thinking of making shit with Wendy alright, why would I want it? She just took time from my bed, wasted it and thought I would hop on the train, like a madman.
Pointless existence, quite much. The chapter is done, I am closing the book; leaving the pages to burn out, as I did, through the many, many years.
Love, Rutherford.
[private
log number 26; 12.2.2020
skinny
skin
and bones
losing myself in need to lose weight
to lose
to lose
55
54
53
52
51
50
less
less is more
more is too much
less
less
i dont need anything or anyone
in order to lose myself
i am going to die
and as i do
burn my body to ashes
and fight for my soul
to not wander forever
[private
log number 25; 7.2.2020
first line, seeing stars in the corner of my peripheral vision
second line, feeling as if i could touch the stars with my own soul
third line, being the stars, all of them
being billion of the tiny dots on the sky
that everyone loves
looks up at
i wanna be looked up at
even when dead
[private
log number 24; 6.2.2020
drugs will keep you alive; keep you away from the hunger. the pain, frustration or sadness. they will get you high enough, to touch the sky, sit on the top of the mountains. fly on clouds, with stars or travel through dimensions.
i dont know where i am anymore, everyone.
i dont know why do i keep writing shit on those white pages i overdose on; feels like cocain, when i turn them around, the pillows of my fingers feeling the beautiful euphoria of silk. feels like i could die from happiness, as i read the “are you sure you are okay? i am worried,” off the phone screen.
such a mediocre words, yet they give me a tiny bit of hope; she wont even know that i feel myself go under, because the weight of it's like hands around my neck.
los angeles is so pretty, so pretty to die in.
56 kilograms and i am going down.
down with it, because nothing makes sense anymore.
[private
log number 21; 15.12.2019
Joy doesnt like me! Ten hates me! Taehyungs wants me to fucking die!
Jeongguk is the cutest little-big guy in the whole world! Wendy loves me very much! We almost fucked on the prom!
Thing are! Neutral!
I am!
Neutral!
