d e v o n
Misplaced Lens Cap
blake kathryn
★
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Discoholic 🪩
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TVSTRANGERTHINGS
Kiana Khansmith
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almost home
JVL
Not today Justin
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
sheepfilms
One Nice Bug Per Day
tannertan36
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
bliss lane
pixel skylines
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@starringrubenlucasrutherford
[private
log number 27; 7.3.2020
už som sa rozhodol,
vzdať život,
navštíviť peklo,
kam patrím,
pretože som prázdna schránka,
ktorá ubližuje všetkým naokolo,
ako človek závislý na heroíne,
ktorému nezáleží na ničom inom,
než pocite eufórie,
ktorá po čase pominie,
rovnako ako stála,
stabilná myseľ,
keď stratíš všetko,
seba,
okolie,
aj zem pod sebou.
[private
log number 26; 12.2.2020
skinny
skin
and bones
losing myself in need to lose weight
to lose
to lose
55
54
53
52
51
50
less
less is more
more is too much
less
less
i dont need anything or anyone
in order to lose myself
i am going to die
and as i do
burn my body to ashes
and fight for my soul
to not wander forever
[private
log number 25; 7.2.2020
first line, seeing stars in the corner of my peripheral vision
second line, feeling as if i could touch the stars with my own soul
third line, being the stars, all of them
being billion of the tiny dots on the sky
that everyone loves
looks up at
i wanna be looked up at
even when dead
[private
Just one more time. Just a taste. — Every addict ever
[private
log number 24; 6.2.2020
drugs will keep you alive; keep you away from the hunger. the pain, frustration or sadness. they will get you high enough, to touch the sky, sit on the top of the mountains. fly on clouds, with stars or travel through dimensions.
i dont know where i am anymore, everyone.
i dont know why do i keep writing shit on those white pages i overdose on; feels like cocain, when i turn them around, the pillows of my fingers feeling the beautiful euphoria of silk. feels like i could die from happiness, as i read the “are you sure you are okay? i am worried,” off the phone screen.
such a mediocre words, yet they give me a tiny bit of hope; she wont even know that i feel myself go under, because the weight of it's like hands around my neck.
los angeles is so pretty, so pretty to die in.
56 kilograms and i am going down.
down with it, because nothing makes sense anymore.
[private
log number 23; 3.2.2020
I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped training. I am burnt out; too sad to manage, too depressed and scared, to walk up the school corridors.
I am done, leaving my body to die. I cant be pretty, however i try; for anyone.
I am sorry to everyone, I know people hate me because I am me; so I wont bother.
Sorry mother,
sorry father, for failing.
I am too sensitive.
[private
log number 22; 28.1.2020
Feeling like I might pack my shit and leave this goddamn city, once again. Hoseok playing a victim seems typical, as Taehyung told me a lot, about that poor man. He feels like exposing me being a bitch, will ruin me, fix me; whatever he’s thinking.
In fact, he is only making it worse for himself; yet he doesnt know who posseses the man he is into, right?
Who calls out “murder him,” and is capable of watching the body rot?
Who would search for a worthless thing like him? Not even his own friends - as if he had any.
And even if I have been thinking of making shit with Wendy alright, why would I want it? She just took time from my bed, wasted it and thought I would hop on the train, like a madman.
Pointless existence, quite much. The chapter is done, I am closing the book; leaving the pages to burn out, as I did, through the many, many years.
Love, Rutherford.
[private
log number 21; 15.12.2019
Joy doesnt like me! Ten hates me! Taehyungs wants me to fucking die!
Jeongguk is the cutest little-big guy in the whole world! Wendy loves me very much! We almost fucked on the prom!
Thing are! Neutral!
I am!
Neutral!
[private
log number 20; 10.12.2019
Pamätám si tie nádherné dni v nemocničnej záhrade, kedy som v chládku, cez jarné dni posedával popri zastaralej fontáne, ktorá mala naspodku viac sadze, než ja v pľúcach. Tie momenty mi do života vnášali istý nádych mágie, keď mi moja sestrička čítala malého princa, pričom som maľoval na plátno, ktoré presakovalo akrylom. Bol som šťastný, i keď som bol podviživený a velice blízko k smrti, boli to tie najkrajšie dni plné snahy a pokojného duševného rozpoloženia. A to z mnoho hľadísk.
Je známe, že sa večne zdieram z kože pre iných či kvôli svojej vysnívanej kariére. Tie dni boli pravým opakom. Tie dni boli jediné, kedy som sa o seba zaujímal a staral viac, než bolo bežné. Tie dni boli jediné, kedy som neprišiel domov so zodratými lakťami, boľavým kolenom a stŕpnutým svalstvom. Tie dni boli jedny z mála, ktoré som nepreplakal kvôli prudkej únave. A síce bolo moje telo vyčerpané a pociťoval som chlad, bol tam zdatný rozdiel.
Teraz na tie dni iba spomínam, s myšlienkou, že už nikdy neklesnem tak nízko. Aj keď niekedy uvažujem nad faktom, že by svet bezo mňa bol jednoduchší a dané nemocničné lôžko malo byť mojou smrteľnou posteľou, vždy si uvedomím, ako veľmi by mi chýbali ľudia v mojom okolí. Či už tí toxickí ba tí, ktorí by spravili i to prvé posledné. Vždy si uvedomím, že som zvedavý, čo sa stane zajtra. To je jeden z mnohých dôvodov, prečo sa i napriek svojim myšlienkam odhodlávam stať sa lepším človekom, sekundu za sekundou.
Chýba mi mnoho ľudí, ktorí ma opustili a nikdy sa nevrátili, no to neznamená, že svet opustili. Dobre viem, že tam niekde sú, bdejú a nasledujú svoje sny. A preto, i keď plačem Taehyungovi na ramene popri písaní na tieto krémové strany, tisíce kilometrov v oblakoch, pevne verím, že budete šťastní. Všetci do jedného, kdesi tam, vo svete. V Belgicku, Detroite, Francúzsku, Daegu, ba trebárs i hneď po mojom boku, žiaľ bezo mňa.
Časy sú a časy budú, preto, teraz, keď som uzamknutý v pandorinej skrinke a snažím sa nájsť lásku v chodbách tohto úbohého gymnázia, zostanem verný.
Verný sám sebe, i keď si nájdem kohosi, kto sa postará o moje nevyspytateľné emócie.
[private
log number 19; 30.11.2019
i believe that my time will come.
the time, i will finally reach my goal,
of being burried 6 feet under the streetlights,
that i walk beside when the head is on the right watch.
i stare, her wounds bleeding as i yell, the coma hitting me,
my existantial crisis kicking me over the edge,
are those times even real?
when i walk on the stage,
lights shining,
my ego twitching,
yet all i feel is void.
emptiness
and
pure anger.
towards the creation thats supposed to cause the endless eternity.
and salvation.
[private
log number 18; 28.11.2019
her: e-
me: she’s the one
[private
log number 17; 13.11.2019
Okay. I got his dick already. But he still has my heart and I regret the day I left him. The day I decided to fake my whole life. Paint it differently and call it even. Even though he was one of the only people that have stayed beside me, even though I am a mess. A mess that hurts everyone around. He didnt care, saying its how people are. And that even they - should be loved.
And hell he did love me. He did want me.
Aj keď vyzerá ako skurvený psychopat, vďaka svojmu imidžu je mylne strašidelný, no pritom vie byť tak kludný a milý, až je to pre človeka, ktorý sa riadi pravidlami Satanizmu - nezvyčajné.
To whoever did, thanks for sending him into my life, once again.
My soulmate, my love.
[private
log number 16; 7.11.2019
I WILL FUCKING GET HIS DICK, REMEMBER MY WORDS
[private
My feelings
Are like thunderstorms
They come strong
And fast
They cause as much damage
As possible
And then they leave
[private
log number 15; 4.11.2019
he left.
just like everyone fucking else.
[private
log number 14; 30.9.2019
i miss yoongi.
[private
log number 13; 24.9.2019
wish i wouldn’t be so fucking over-sensitive.
i made a big “halo” out of one goddamn secret, he keeps from me. oh god i never knew i had trust issues, but now i can see, that i do.
and i dont trust him at the slighest bit.
nemá to zmysel, pokiaľ sa odujeme jeden na druhého a on očakáva, že ja budem ten, ktorý zakaždým prilezie späť, pretože bez neho neviem žiť.
je mi to jedno. nájdem si lepšieho.