While I love a casual jealous lams, I truly and ardently desire a fic that explores the scope and reasons behind the jealousy between them and circumstances in which it is most frequently triggered.
with Hamilton I think his jealousy is most often triggered not by the feeling of inadequacy, as he strikes as the type to not only be sure enough in himself to believe himself equal to but also better than his any potential rival, but in thinking that regardless of how much better he is there is always the possibility that Laurens will leave. That’s it’s almost inevitable. One way or another everyone he cares about will leave, so if not by death then perhaps to something completly out of his control. By the inherent choice that his partner has to leave of their own accord.
I think about the April 1779 letter, how if you look past the blatant flirting and teases, you kind of get the sense that Hamilton was making up for his genuine insecurity and anger with humor. I mean just look at the letter itself, how despite its strained lightheartedness, there’s so many corrections that anybody looking at it (including Laurens) would’ve been able to tell at a glance that this was a letter he thought out to the word, not something that he wrote down on a whim. This is not Hamilton casual, and I think Laurens knew that. Hamilton does not do casual jealousy. He does jealousy that eats him up inside, jealous that makes him petty and spiteful. Jealousy that pokes at the soft innards of him insecurity and makes him reel. It’s jealousy that he pathetically tries to hide, that has nobody fooled- the least bit Laurens, and is devastating and painfully abvious when you know him.
And Hamilton gets jealous of both genders, but if he's honest with himself, he always get's a little relieved when he sees a woman trying their chances with John. Inside he knows it's a little fucked up to feel satisfaction at Laurens' lack of attraction to women, to know that his wife is no real competition for his affections, and to feel happy that Laurens will never love his wife the way he loves him. Inside he knows he should want him freind to have a happy marriage, not to feel trapped, and on some level he wishes this happiness for John. As a freind he wants this. As a lover, he detests it. Because he doesn't want John to be happy with some woman, he wants Laurens to be happy with him. And is that hypocritical when he has a wife? Yes. Is it selfish of him to love them both and still want monopoly of his freind? Double yes. Does he care? No.
Because he is slefish, and weather it's because of his own ego or the need to be the only one- he needs to be the only one. Atleast the only man. And don't get him started on if theres another man. You think april 1779 is peak petty? You've seen nothing until Hamilton finfs out anothe man is attracted to Laurens. Or god forbid vice versa. Because if a lady is flirting he can always rationalize that Laurens will never take her up on the offer, and if her does it's because he has to. with a man, it's because Laurens wants to. And that drives Hamilton crazy. Because a wife, in his mind, is an obligation. A lover is something he's chosen. Laurns chose him and thats an obligations he's taking to tdeath.
Now Laurens is facinating to me, because he's a loud and somehow more obvious and petty drunk than Hamilton. He get's jelous often. But this is sparked purely from insecurity and his own feelings of indaequuancy, a contrast to Hamiltons feelings over his his overly percieved adequacy but feeling tht regardless everything is going to be taken away from him. Laurens feels insecure because he is, and he feels inadequate and ultimaelty believes that not only can Hamilton finds better but that he should if he wants to reach his goals. He believes that its inevitable Hamilton will finds someone else, and his jelousy is amplified tenfold because of this belief.
And because John is boderline homophobic, he feels less elous when a woman is in the picture. But where jelousy ebbs, a strange feeling of calm washes over him instead. It's a farce, but i can imagine him seeing Hamilton flirting with a woman who's clearly inetrested, and instea dof being mad he'll almost have this ittersweet smile on his face that says "I knew this would happen". He won't be mad at hamilton, although Hamilton is rarely interested back, but he'll even tease the idea of Hmilton getting together with said woman. This has Hamilton believing Laurens isn't the jelous type but this is so far from the truth it's almost laughable. Because while on the outside, Laurens is teasing and joking, inside he's resigned and melancholic about the mere idea of Hamilton getting married. Because it mot only means his insecuriteties over how inveitabille the end of their relaitionship is comes true, but it also makes him agonize about his own insecurities with his sexuality and the wish to, on some level, find women attractive. Because unlike him, Hamilton can find comfort, Hamilton can fall in love with a woman, Hamilton can be a father and adore his children and not tear-himself to shreds thinking that his child came from a much regretted romp done post-heartbreak. And beyond that, it makes him think of Hamilton as a father, something he can't go more than 2 minutes without tearing up because oh how he can imagine how good he's be. what an attentive father, how much he'd dote and love. How present he'd be. How much he wishes he could give that happiness to Hamilton, how much he lothaes that it can't be him.
His preferred method is avoidance, but if aboidance isi't working he'll switch to pettiness. It's ugly, and he knows it does nothing but ush his lovers further away, but he doesn't care because if he has to do something with this ugly feelings in his gut, he'd rather they tear him up inside rather than sting anyone else. But if they do...
Laurens' jelousy changes drastically depender on the gender. And he's not afraid to admit it. Women bring a resigned meloncholic jelousy. Men bring rage. Like Hamilton, it's one thing to fufill societies expectations, it's another to want another man on top of that. If he were to witness such, I imagine Laurens to be right on the side of "fuck that", and he'd be the type to get either rridiculousy angry at Hamilton 9if he chooses to entertain the flirtations of another man) or being held back from brawling the other if he doesn't. This could be the ennisdelmarcoding going too far but Laurens may seperate his and Hamiltons relaitionship from other queer relaitionships of the time. He might feel a strange disgust when he sees other partating in it, a disgist he's only just begining to unlearn for himself. So it's double maddening when he see's another man being atracted to Hamilton. It's possesiveness and also a strange sort of disgust he has for the lack of restraint the other man has. Because how dare he be so open, when he's petriefied to be so. How dare he be sure enough in himself to so openly make him adavances. And above all, how dare he potentially put Hamilton in danger.
Becuae if nothing else, Laurens is concerned with Hamiltons safety, and he has enough faith in his life long experience of restraining his attraction to know Hamilton to be safer with him than any other. So no one else can attempt to endanger him. If Hamilton is going to have a male lover, it's going to be him. If Laurens cannot monopolize Hamilton entirely, he will monopolize the parts of him that he cannot share to the rest of the world
