I would like to follow up on my first post about "the unicorn". Today's note to you revolves around the reactions that "the unicorn" will bring from the people around you. Now, let me first note that my Unicorn and I knew almost immediately that this was going to work. It took us all of one date to realize that we were perfect for each other. Please note, it doesn't always happen this way. In fact, it usually DOESN'T happen this way. Never in a million years did I think it would happen this way for me, especially in my early twenties. It did, though, so you're just going to have to trust me that I'm one hundred and twelve percent positive about all of it. I know that yesterday I sounded like a love sick puppy who was doomed to trip and fall into a deep pit of despair when it all blew up in my face. Trust me, that's not going to happen.
The cautious supporter - This is the person who will support your decisions no matter what they are. They may see things you don't, and perhaps worry about your wellbeing should things fail, but they know that you are an adult and can make your own decisions. This person will be there for you if it fails, and if it doesn't they will cheer you on and be happy so long as you are happy.
The mama bear - This is the over protective friend who wants nothing but your happiness and safety. Sometimes this person can be overbearing, and will often be the first to threaten your "unicorn" should anything happen to you. This person usually means well, but can also cause problems if they don't realize when to butt out and let you make your own decisions.
The false friend - This person can be tricky to detect. They will tell you how happy they are that you are happy. They will ask for all the juicy details on your new relationship. Every chance they get, this person will throw their opinions your way. Whether you ask for it or not, this person is going to tell you all the reasons you shouldn't do this or you should do that. They will cite personal experience, and try to tell you that their past is why you should listen to them. They will whisper poison in your ear because that is what is in their heart, and you must be careful not to listen.
Now, I'm not saying that these are the only types of reactions, or that your friends can only be one of these. People are complex, and it's difficult (if not impossible) to clump them into such vague groups and call it a day. I just wanted to outline a little bit of this and to talk about each of the different kind of reaction. As I've stated all over my blog - this page is for me to vent out frustrations and put my thoughts into some sort of order. If you don't want my opinions on things, well then you don't need to keep reading. Don't worry, it won't hurt my feelings. I'm not here to gain followers or become famous or whatever. I just needed a place to write. Anyways, back on topic.
Let's go in the order I've just written them, shall we? Great. The cautious supporter is probably one of the best friends you can have in this situation, or really in any situation. This is the person who will stick by you no matter what, even if they think you're being an idiot. They allow you to make your own decisions, your own mistakes, and won't judge you or make fun of you when you have to deal with the consequences. Even if they think you're making a poor choice they'll support you, perhaps give you their opinion if you want it, and be there through the whole of it. Then, if things fall through, they'll help pick up the pieces and put you back together once all is said and done. What this person wants above all else is for you to be happy. If they see that your "unicorn" is making you happy, even if just for the moment, then they'll stand by your decision to be with this person.
The mama bear is a tricky type of friend to judge in this situation. Often times this person is not only a mama bear, but perhaps a cautious supporter or false friend as well. This friend tries to look out for your best interests, but often times their maternal instincts get in the way of their eyes. For one reason or another their main goal is protection. Sometimes this protective nature can go overboard and get in the way of your happiness. Sometimes this protective nature can bring things to light that you wouldn't have seen or thought about before, and can wind up helping you. The mentality of the mama bear is to protect her cub (you), but the way this person goes about it is what determines whether or not they're truly being a good friend.
The last of the three examples I've given is actually the inspiration for this post. The false friend is a tricky and incredibly painful creature, especially in the situation of a "unicorn". Please note, a false friend is not always someone easily detectable and it is also not someone you want to keep in your life. This person thrives on negativity, whether inwardly or outwardly, and creates a darkness within themselves that is not always noticed. No matter how hard this person tries to be happy for you because you are happy, they can't seem to get over the jealousy in their heart. Something in this person's past has poisoned them, and instead of allowing their past to teach them and moving forward they seethe in the negative emotions brought on by whatever it is that brought them down. Often times this is caused by a relationship (or multiple relationships) that ended badly. They may act healed on the outside, but deep in their heart they have died a little bit. This person closes themselves off to everyone around them, teaching themselves not to trust or to love or to know true happiness again. They turn to ice, and often times they are able to hide this ice with practice.
Now, on to story time. Hooray! Story time! At the end of February I moved from the apartment I had lived in for a year to a new place. My roommate and I were sticking together, and we were also adding a friend of mine from college. To differentiate these two we shall call my roommate for a year Torch and my friend from college Roxie. Now, Torch and I have known one another since high school. Our friendship goes back about six years. My friendship with Roxie goes back about three. I introduced the two of them at my twenty first birthday party, so they've known one another for a little over a year. Long story short, the apartment we moved into was not safe. Roxie and I moved out, but due to financial and other reasons Torch was forced to stay. It's ok, though, because he's a dude and less likely to have anything bad happen.
I started dating The Unicorn about a week before Roxie and I moved. From the very first night she met him it was awkward. I had told him all about how much I loved her and how well their personalities would mesh. They'd get along great, I'd said. I still believe that if she hadn't acted the way she has they could have been great friends. When he came to hang out at our apartment after dinner she immediately put up walls and closed herself off. She'd rather sit across the room and stare at him than actually join the conversation. Even when he tried to joke with her and bring her out of her shell she resisted. Now, we wrote this first encounter off as stress since after he left the roommates were going to have to figure out the whole apartment situation. That's fine. Everyone has stressful days. If that were the only time that things had been that way it would have been easily overlooked. The problem persisted, though, and continued to grow.
Every night that week The Unicorn was back. It was obvious that we were moving quickly, but I've already explained that in my previous post. No matter how many times The Unicorn tried to talk to Roxie and get her to open up and be friendly he was shut down. She spoke to me several times about how I was going about this all wrong. She told me that I needed to be careful and learn from her past. She decided that I was going to make her mistakes, and that The Unicorn was going to break my heart. No matter how many times she said she would give him a chance, she had already made up her mind about him and wouldn't even hold a conversation. It was breaking my heart to see one of my best friends completely shut out my Unicorn.
Roxie would say over and over again that she was going to give him a chance. She would talk about how she wanted me to be happy, and she hoped he was everything I said he was. Over and over and over I heard the same things, and as she repeated herself and refused to listen to me I began to shut down. At one point she even cornered both the Unicorn and myself, talking at us about how we were moving too fast and she didn't yet trust him. There was nothing we could say to get her to change her mind, we knew that, and there was nothing we could do to get her to come out of her room and hang out. She began avoiding the apartment, and that was when I decided it was time to talk to her.
The Unicorn had basically been living with us for three weeks when Roxie and I sat down for our conversation. It was revealed to me that she was uncomfortable having The Unicorn staying at our apartment every night. When I asked why the only answer I could get out of her was that he was there and she didn't know him. Because she didn't yet know him she couldn't trust him, and just the fact that he was in the apartment all the time made her uncomfortable. Ready for a tangent?
Every day people find roommates on Craigslist. These are people who have never met and know nothing about one another, and yet they decide to live together. Kids go off to college and get a roommate randomly selected by the school. This is often someone they've never met and know nothing about, and yet they live together because they have to. People in these situations are less uncomfortable than Roxie was making herself out to be. This is not some random guy coming over and crashing on the couch. This is my Unicorn, the love of my life, who I will marry one day. I trust him with everything, and she has somehow decided that because he's inside the walls of our apartment she is uncomfortable.
Alright, about her discomfort. Remember how I said she'd been avoiding the apartment? Well, since we never saw her and we stayed mostly in my room I'd like to know how she was aware of his presence. Unless she came creeping into my room every night to check, there's no way for her to be positive that he was even there. We wouldn't see her for days, and when we did see her it was either because we passed her on the way to my bathroom or because The Unicorn made dinner for everyone to celebrate Roxie passing a test she'd been studying for. If you aren't even positive that someone is around, why are you uncomfortable at the thought of the possibility that they are there? Why are you uncomfortable in the first place if this is someone your roommate and one of your best friends trusts to stay in her bed every night? You're not. You've made The Unicorn and myself uncomfortable by avoiding us and shutting us out. You've created the discomfort yourself, and rather than admit this to yourself you've decided to grow the issue and blame it on me. There was no other excuse for her 'discomfort' than him being there. His presence made her uncomfortable, even though he'd been nothing but respectful, helpful, and attempt to be her friend.
Roxie issued an ultimatum. The Unicorn had to go. No matter what we said she would not budge on the matter. Now, you're probably wondering why this is such a big deal. I'll tell you. The Unicorn, previous to staying with me, was staying with his parents for financial reasons. He could afford to move out with a roommate, but not on his own. His parents live at least an hour from where Roxie and I live. Add that commute to the fact that both of us are working an average of 50 hours a week. Now, take that and factor in that every other weekend the Unicorn has his daughter and so I don't get to see him. What you get from that wonky math is that if we were to go along with her demands I would basically be seeing The Unicorn for a few hours every other weekend. We've both done long distance relationships, and they don't work.
I was put in the position of choosing between one of my best friends of three years and the man who is going to be by my side for the rest of my life. Roxie had backed me into a corner, thinking that somehow this would make me see her skewed point of view when she wouldn't bother to look at mine. I told her that it felt like she was making me choose between them. At that she began to 'explain' that when she said she needed time to get to know and trust The Unicorn it would probably only take about two months. I explained to her the math that I put to you in the paragraph above, and then pointed out that if that's all the time we had together we weren't going to be spending it trying to convince her to like him. We would be spending that time together, making up for the weeks lost. If we were to kneel to her demands, she would be effectively forcing us to commit relationship suicide.
Something I haven't brought up, which should really be obvious to anyone who has somehow discovered this page and is reading this post. It's none of Roxie's damn business who I have in my room and when. She claimed to have a say in this because her name is on the lease. If he is not in her bedroom then she has no say. He's hardly even in the community rooms. Most of our time is spent in the bedroom or when we need to go to the bathroom. We use the kitchen to cook and then go back and hang out in the bedroom. We go out and smoke on the patio and the go back and hang out in the bedroom. Catching my drift? Even if we were hanging out in the common areas, she has no right to tell me who I can and cannot have over and for how long. It is none of her damn business who I have in my room and when and for what amount of time.
Last night we had a talk with Roxie. During this talk she continuously made excuses, citing her past and explaining to him why she didn't yet trust him. We stat there for probably two hours talking. The issue we were supposedly discussing was the living situation. 98% of what was said during those approximately two hours had less than nothing to do with the situation at hand. Roxie talked about her past, her terrible taste in men, and her trust issues. The Unicorn called her bluff and cut her off a the knees. I sat there and sent text messages back and forth with Froggy talking about what was going on. When finally it came back to the point, The Unicorn and I took a break to discuss things and smoke like chimneys. The stress was overwhelming, and we were both livid. Once our discussion was over we went back inside and asked Roxie to join us back in the living room.
We countered her ultimatum with our own. Either she pulled her head out of her ass and let him stay, or we were both going to leave. Don't worry, I left out the part about pulling her head out of her ass. Of course her reaction was less than calm, and she stormed off into her room after a few choice words. To her our ultimatum hadn't given her the choice of sucking it up and dealing. To her our words had not been "either, or", but instead had been "we're leaving you in the dust". Somehow she had become so blindly stubborn that there was no option but for us to leave. So now, for the third time in only a little bit over a month, I have to apartment hunt and find a new place to live.
My darling imaginary readers, I just want you to know how badly things like this hurt. It sucks that my friend has been so poisoned by her past that she's become unhinged and put a dagger through the heart of our friendship. It sucks to know how easy it was for her to allow something so trivial to come between us. It sucks to lose a friend, no matter how poorly she had been acting. I wish that she could have been reasoned with. I wish that she could have opened her eyes and seen how wonderful The Unicorn is. I wish she could have managed to pull her head out of her ass and experience light on her face again. I wish that ice and darkness weren't fighting to take control of her heart. Most of all, I wish her the best of luck in finding happiness of her own and learning to bathe in the sunlight and warmth of life again.
The Unicorn and I will be moving in together. The timing is not ideal, we agree with that, but we will do what we have to. So long as we are together we know that we can make everything alright. Friends come and go, and it's a painful thing to experience, but a "unicorn" is forever. I will miss Roxie, especially since I was so excited to live with her, but I learned a while back what kind of people to keep in my life. Perhaps one day she will free herself of the poison that's infecting her heart. Maybe then we can be happy together once more. For now, though, I am ridding myself of the negativity. I won't let someone else's jealousy, ignorance, and misery ruin my happiness. The Unicorn is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I don't lose him. I love him.
