#imbackbish

[sayitlikeitisd-blog]

Big thanks to @gcodestreetgear 🙏🙏 Aug 17th ima be live on stage with @itsboogie_14 and many more 🔥🔥 hitting the stu tommorrow to make more bangers on bangers !! - - - - - #nenhundoe #imbackbish #nevaleft #recording #modesto #209 #russia #moscow #newmusic #baller #rnb #rap #rapper #producer #hitsonhits #independent #gcode #gcodestreetgear https://www.instagram.com/p/B0NcFBjHpG0/?igshid=17v98ijpgsund

[reaching-highher]

Good to be back

I haven’t used my account in a long time, my OCD was on fire for a few years and I decided I needed to post my rather full-packed journal entries in order. I went crazy trying to keep up with that and it became more stressful than I had ever thought it could be so I stayed away from here altogether. Recently I’ve been discovering more and more about who I am, where I’m from and how things have been and also been trying to strategize how to change things in my life around. At parallel timing I’ve been so wrapped up in totally sucky splits and can’t seem to get over how shitty they ended. Who I became, how they reacted, then feeling bad about everything I’d done at the same time being the more clearly obvious victim, or so others believe which is pushing me to believe the same, but who knows who the fuck was the victim? I’m too depressed to feel the urge to think about it and that fact is making me feel even shittier. My soul has dashed back into the very familiar and haunting place which I didn’t think would happen so quick. It’s confusing to me and it makes me feel utter hopelessness when I’m trying so hard to grow and be better because I just want out. I’ve accustomed myself to being completely shattered by everything and stuck on the past. Who knew I’d be such a fuckin melancholic douche? I realized my only hope was to write about it, like I had done in the past and surprisingly made a huge difference, since talking to anyone around me about it just made things worse or didn’t help at all because for some reason I cave in and feel scared interacting with anyone and don’t open up as much as I need and want to so bad. I grabbed the journal my babe of a pal Liv gifted me for my birthday that I became obsessed with, began to list goals or I suppose motives to live by in relationships and in state of mind, but I could never come to write about what was bothering me which I desperately need to focus on if I want to understand how to approach fixing any of the issues I have at all. So here I am! Back at it with my depressing af posts but also mind-blowing realizations to journal down day by day.