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Update on my life because Cat said I should.

Money - we're still saving well, it's nice seeing the thousands get bigger and bigger. We will be receiving the $20,000 from Z's brother when this whole thing with my sister in-law gets sorted, so probably in 18months or so. My car only needs to get a new WOF every 12months now, so that's cool, less money spent on my car. Work - work is good. Babies are getting big and old - 9months old now. They eats masses and a pleasure to feed. My boss has been super slow to getting around to getting a safety gate for the stairs. I've been asking for a month. It's because the hallway is 1.4metres wide, so way bigger than a standard gap. The days are still long and I feel like every week goes so fast and the weekend goes even faster. My next job is going to be local. I've been at this job for 5months now. Marriage - a week before I get my period Z pisses me off so much. Everything he says and does make me want to chop off my own face. I annoy myself with how snippy I get with him. We had a stupid, blow up fight right before we went to sleep last night. It was so fucking stupid. Ha. I love him so much and appreciate how he puts up with my up and down moods leading up to my period. Weightloss- I've had a terrible weekend eating. Take aways, chocolate cake and laziness. Z's dropping kilos like a dump truck with its trailer door left open. I'm so proud of him. I am struggling though. After my appointment with the fertility specialist, weighing myself in the evening and it saying I had gained like 2-3kg and then the letter from the fertility specialists saying one of the reasons they believe I have infertility is because of 'obesity', all really killed me inside. I have always had a healthy self esteem, but all of these things have made me feel worthless, unworthy of a child and a bad person, because how dare I be obese and get pregnant, or have any other reason that I can't get pregnant. I hate the invading feelings I'm having about myself. Fertility - I'm waiting to get a letter in the mail for the test where they pass dye through my tubes under X-ray to see if there are any blockages. Until then we wait, I am actually glad there is some time, after the first appointment I felt so overwhelmed and sick to my stomach. Baby - I want a baby that is mine in my life, I am so ready to be a mother. Not a mother figure to others' babies, but to my own. A baby I can wake up to in the middle of the night, a baby I can cuddle endlessly, blow raspberries on their cheeks and tummy, a baby that is Z and mine. A little brown, chubby baby. It fucking kills me and I feel so broken. And I thought I was strong enough to handle this, but I'm so not. I hate how this is all making me feel. I look up at the stars every night before bed and beg the universe to help me. It's so devastating. I got new running shoes yesterday.

#going-my-way #life update #personal #imfertility #ttc #pcos