Caregivers give everything. Here's what nobody tells them about receiving.
From Graceful Transitions on Substack:
At Sofreh, the staff meal is not an afterthought.
nasim Alikhani often cooks it herself. Protein, starch, and vegetables. Sometimes, something that never appears on the menu. Always a message, whether she says it out loud or not:
You matter before the guests arrive.
I’ve been thinking about this in the context of end-of-life planning. Specifically about caregivers.
Because here’s what I see, over and over: the person doing the most — coordinating appointments, fielding calls, showing up every single day — is also the person least likely to ask for help. Least likely to say I’m not okay. Least likely to have anyone checking on them at all.
They’re too busy feeding everyone else.
Danny Meyer writes about this in Setting the Table — the idea that hospitality flows outward from the inside.
You cannot sustain genuine care for others if the people doing the caring are running on empty. It’s not a nice idea. It’s an operational truth.
I love this with my whole heart. Sustaining ourselves and one another is critical to community care. Proactively creating rituals and systems that care for caretakers creates longevity. And accepting care is as essential to mutual aid as giving it.
I love boundaries talk. I'm all about boundaries and the language it gives us for self-preservation. BUT. Putting the onus on individuals to name and set their boundaries to receive any care and consideration is the same individualism driving capitalism and many of the systems destroying us.
A community of care also requires working to create systems that will not diminish people by default.