#in-sys dating

[intuspluric-culture-is]

insys dating culture is...

headmate 1: *sauve voice* i'll pay dinner for you tonight baby ;)

headmate 2: ...we use the same wallet.

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[heartbeat-sys]

in-sys relationships are great but i cant steal his fucking blanket >:[

[shinennohane]

Shout-out to all the plurals with F/Os.

🌼 Who just have F/Os and that's not a part of their system.

🌼 Who have fictives of their F/Os in their system.

🌼 Who are in relationships with their headmates and their F/Os are separate.

🌼 Who are in relationships with headmates who are also F/Os and that's important to their relationships.

🌼 Who are in relationships with their headmates who are also F/Os and it's very awkward.

🌼 Created systems or adjacent who made headmates of their F/Os.

You're all very valid! 💙

[0crooked-arcade0]

This post goes out to all the plural users on the platform who only feel attraction twoards one (or possibly more) member[s] of your shared headspace who also Identify as being somewhere on the Ace/Aro spectrum because of it.

You're valid, and everyone who claims in-sys dating isn't a thing or that you're not on the A/A spectrum because of that can suck a lemon.

[[Like yeah, this doesn't apply to all systems, but outright saying that a system can't have relationships or a full life innerworld is just weird as hell. Especially considering how prevalent things like Maladaptive Daydreaming are as a co-morbidity to being plural -Kat]]

[circulars-reasoning]

In-Sys Relationships: Ideas

Hello all! Circular here! I want to do a much larger post about in-sys relationships and how they're beneficial, but I thought I could share today a comment I posted on Reddit recently.

Someone asked for sources on in-sys dating. I decided to dig into it (which I'm paying for now, RIP my free time) and find some really nice sources! Sadly, there really don't appear to be solid studies on the benefits - unless we count the sheer amount of systems who have expressed how beneficial dating in-system has been for them.

I ended up finding three good sources, however, that related to in-sys dating in my eyes. I wanted to go into them here!

Long post under the cut :) Most of this will simply be copy-pasted from the reddit post, tbh!

Disorganized Attachment, Development of Dissociated Self States, and a Relational Approach to Treatment

This one discusses the close connection between disorganized attachments in childhood and the development of dissociative disorders, and further posits that a therapy model involving a relationship approach might be the best method for helping dissociative disorders. "The therapist can serve as a relational bridge between dissociated self states*, allowing the patient to internalize a working model of the therapeutic relationship." (*Wherein "self states" stands for, in this case, alters). I really like this source, as it discusses the idea that "Attachment, trauma and dissociation are all related issues in the treatment of survivors of neglect, double-bind relationships, and abuse." It clearly explains how disorganized attachment leads to dissociation, and further, alter splits. Where this begins to apply to in-sys relationships is where it begins to discuss the integration of self-states. The goal in therapy is to integrate alters, which means a lowering of dissociative barriers. "Dissociated self states incorporate incompatible internal working models, which are based on desperate, opposing attempts to protect the self from attack or abandonment... the patient cannot focus on the discrepancy between internal working models, and a cognitive interpretation will likely fall on deaf ears." Essentially, if you push for the more logical cognitive integration with a patient, it can lead to more dissociative barriers raising due to the patient being pushed into a corner. In-sys relationships would, therefore, result form those dissociated self states having compatible internal working models. Alters, finding a balance, and in turn, becoming closer together. This would likely happen after dissociative barriers were lower, and as a way to integrate personality states. Finding love for ones self when clearing away those cognitive barriers.

Dissociation, shame, complex PTSD, child maltreatment and intimate relationship self-concept in dissociative disorder, chronic PTSD and mixed psychiatric groups

Not gonna quote this one as much, don't worry. It discusses guilt and shame in disorders, and remarks how guilt/shame complexes are MUCH more prominent in dissociative disorders than in trauma/stress disorders. It describes how "dissociation is both an intrapsychic (way of relating to self) and interpersonal (way of relating to others)." AKA, the self-states we see in DID are not only there to isolate parts to handle trauma, but a way to isolate parts of oneself to relate to yourself; with disorganized attachment, it becomes more likely for dissociation to fragment the self into pieces who need to learn how to relate to each other in order to heal. (And well. Learn to relate to each other, most people find love or at least found-family in those they live with forever and compromise with). Dissociation is correlated strongly with a fear of relationships, so this study sought to see just HOW strongly the symptoms affected those with relationship issues. Unsurprisingly, dissociative disorders showed the most shame/guilt activation, more severe relationship anxiety, and issues with relationship intimacy. While this doesn't discuss the benefits of in-system relationships, I think it really explains strongly WHY they happen. Those with dissociative disorders struggle more than even other traumatized peers with relationships and being with others. Therefore, I don't think it's too shocking that a group of traumatized individuals who experience multiple self-states (personified in their heads vividly, with distinct personalities and traits, and seemingly stuck with these alters forever) to turn inward in their search for acceptance.

Stories of Survivors With Dissociative Identity Disorder: A Qualitative Investigation of Symptoms, Traumatic Experiences, and Relationships

Last official research, though I will say that this "study" is closer to observations from systems and researchers alike. This study calls into question the fact that most research on DID comes from patients who are currently hospitalized and/or in crisis, which is not representative of the full population of pwDID. "The purpose of this study was to obtain descriptive perspectives of survivors with DID, who are not currently hospitalized, and examine their relational experiences through the lens of a DID diagnosis (i.e., relationship to self and others)." The study goes on to explain what the participants expressed via their data gathering, including some very valuable data on symptom onsets, awareness of the disorder, abuse histories - it's really interesting! It explains a lot about the symptoms I commonly see discussed online, like over-sexuality (common in CSA victims) and Identity Discrepancies (Hello, all those LGBT+ alters). I include this one because, as noted here, alters are all part of one traumatized self. We often look at DID as a debilitating disorder due to that trauma, but those interviewed here were just normal (yes, traumatized, but not debilitated) systems. They remark on experiences with society's expectations for them, how misinformation has hurt them. With the isolation systems face daily, both due to their trauma and due to the way society looks at DID already, it's no wonder systems turn inward for comfort and love.

I only had about 2 hours to really dig into these, so I'm certain that I missed parts or could've found better sources along the way. I really hope there is more research into this. I've heard countless systems discuss how healthy it is, how therapists encouraged it due to the "love of the traumatized self" - and that disorganized attachment article really hones into the idea of loving the traumatized self. I think all three articles in conjunction really shows how much of a need there is for self-love in DID.

[court-of-birds]

dating in-system

dating in-system…. has its pros and cons

like it’s easy to feel like our love is invisible, especially to others. we get seen by the world as a solitary person. i can’t share the best parts of our life with most people. i can’t take selfies of us or make instagram posts or celebrate our love in the thousand casual ways that the couples around us do; there’s no common parlance for what we are but i want tooo because i swear my life is full of so much love and looking at us from the outside you simply don’t see into the experience of Being This Entity

thankfully art exists ^^ {and tumblr}

like i mean this is all the time. if we’re eating, walking to the store, standing around talking casually.. there’s always another dialogue going on

we've been traveling around italy having an invisibly romantic time

[intuspluric-culture-is]

Happy White Day!

Because of our absence early this year, we weren't able to make something special for Valentine's Day, even though we really wanted to plan something.

So... you can consider this our replacement Valentine's celebration.

We've prepared an ask game with questions regarding intuspluric relationships! Feel free to send these asks to us, or to rb this into your own blog. It's only 10 questions, but hopefully it's enough of a month-late celebration ^-^

❤️. What's the oldest in-sys relationship you have?

🎀. And which one is the most recent?

💌. Do you celebrate Valentine's Day or anniversaries? If so, how?

🫂. Does your system have sibling relationships? Choose one or more to talk about!

💝. Has anyone ever gifted their in-sys partner with something? What was it?

🏩. Do you have any secret spots or "couples' getaway" in headspace? What does it look like?

💕. What's something small but loving that you've done for your partner(s) this week?

🌹. What's the weirdest fictive relationship you have?

🩷. What's your cutest couples' moment that you can think of?

💗. What do you love most about your partner/family/system?

[intuspluric-culture-is]

In-system relationship culture is being in a co-con cuddle with your partner 💕

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