▫️ P A S S I O N ▫️
So on January 2-4, 2016, I had the honor of attending my first Passion conference. Getting there was all God because I wasn't even able to take the days off of work. I had gone to request them off 3 weeks in advance to find out that schedule for that week had already been done (which isn't a normal thing at my job). When the schedule that included the weekend of Passion had finally come out, I just so happened to not get scheduled for any of those days (which also wasn't normal because I always work on Saturday and Monday). So I took it as a sign from God, bought a ticket, and made my way down to Atlanta, GA to experience Passion for the first time. I didn't know what to expect going into it. I knew God would do something, I just didn't know what. Session 4 was on January 3 at 3:15. I didn't know it when it started but this was the session that was made for me. For this session, Louie Giglio did an interview with Levi Lusko. In 2012, 5 days before Christmas, Levi's daughter, Lenya, went home to be with the Lord. While telling his story he said, "It is through suffering, not in spite of it, that God uses us". I've never been greatly impacted by death but I have suffered. Twenty-fifteen was a really hard year for me. My depression was the worst it has ever been, I struggled immensely with suicidal thoughts and made one attempt at taking my own life, my work family was broken up, and I had never felt more alone than in the two months that I was back living in Fayetteville. I lost my virginity to and got my heart shattered by a guy who I trusted deeply, I was barely able to say that I was barely making it financially, and my new living situation wasn't the best one for me to be in but it was all I had. My mental state worsened even more in the month of December. No wasn't a good enough answer and consent was thrown out the window. The last week of that month was the worst week for me. I didn't know if I was strong enough to make it into twenty-sixteen. I really couldn't picture myself living to see the ball drop and the clock say midnight on January 1st. But I did. And although January 1st wasn't a good day for me, January 2nd was coming and I knew that meant I got to leave Charlotte for a couple of days and be with Jesus. Twenty-fifteen was a lot of me sitting in the dark, alone, feeling as if no one cared, that I didn't matter, and that I would never achieve anything in life. I felt worthless and stupid. I dropped out of university and was headed nowhere. I had no dreams. I didn't think God loved me anymore. He paid me no attention. But that night at Passion, as we were singing Good, Good Father (my heart song), I felt a release. I'm not a crier and during that song, I sobbed. I could just feel the Holy Spirit working in my heart, sealing up some of the cracks. I felt weight lifting off me. I felt the burden of the thought that I was a burden disappear. And I felt hope. One thing Levi also said that afternoon was, "The only way to get to anointing is through crushing". Twenty-fifteen was me being crushed. Twenty-sixteen is going to be me living out the anointing I got through being crushed. My depression will be used for God's glory because, yes, even I, can and will be used by Him. I don't know how but it'll happen. I'm sorry this post is so long but it'll be worth it when I read it again five years from now and see what God has not just brought me through, but triumphed over. I'm not sure how to end this post but I guess I'll just say thank you Jesus for letting Passion be the way I started twenty-sixteen. I wouldn't be the same if it had started any other way. I love you. "If You Take Away The Suffering, You Take Away The Ministry." -Levi Lusko "It Is Doubtful Whether Or Not God Can Use Anyone Significantly Without First Wounding Them Deeply." -AW Tozer