#inquisitor's session

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session #14: we lost our plot-important NPC on a random encounter

“You rolled a 37 on stealth. You’re in motherfucking space.”

“We’re not even gonna fight this woman, we’re gonna fight her HOUSE?” “Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘house hunter’.”

“Anything you can do, I can do worse!” “... And the house is gonna throw rocks at Vin and Mirhel.” “Where did it get ROCKS?” “So if it’s throwing them at us, is it getting it’s rocks off?”

“So for the SIXTH time today, I try to hit the BIG HOUSE, right in front of my FACE…” [another low roll] “... You miss.” “FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Outta nowhere, we just came in and like, fucked up her house. We’re kind of assholes, aren’t we?” “I mean, YEAH, but also she’s evil, so…” “I could argue the ethics and morals of flying out of nowhere and fighting someone’s house, but also, I really wanna lightning bolt a person, so…”

“Did ya’ll just realize we came within seconds of tanking this entire campaign on a SIDEQUEST?”

“Yeah, you’re pissed, your not-boyfriend got Finger of Death’d--” “Your not boyfriend got fingered to death.” “NOBODY FINGERS MY NOT-BOYFRIEND BUT ME”

“Wait, HOW hot is that naked man?” “ROLL FOR DICK! ROLL FOR DICK!”

“What’s the point of D&D if I can’t have a raven in a top hat?” “Quoth the top hat, ‘Nevermore’.”

[End Of Ze World voice] “So. Here is the party. Pretty sweet party you might say.” “Are we literally playing Never Have I Ever in our party camp?” “Yes.” (We did this for like an hour)

“My brother’s name is Matteo, for the record.” “I totally heard potato.”

“Wait… how do you get a vampire in your ass??”

“Wait did you FUCK her to death???” “I ROLLED A 23 IN PERFORMANCE”

“Me @ the elven pantheon PVP ME YOU SON OF A BITCH”

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session #16:  i honestly can’t believe we didn’t die

“Anyway, when we last left our heroes, we were becoming mayor of Fuck City, where we are gonna get fucked and die.”

“So at the end of your turn, Strahd is gonna grapple you, like, hold you in his arms-- wait, not sensually, shit” “It’s like a full on romance novel cover over here.” [Ranger starts singing ‘Love Is A Battlefield’ as everyone screams]

“Today’s healing word of the day is: fuck.”

“I mean, you could, screaming IS a free action.”

“I can’t believe we’re fighting the King of Vampires or some shit and we’ve just been reduced to punching each other.” “We’re going back to basics!”

“Back at it again at Crypty Kreme! Roll an acrobatics check!”

“Yeah, he can be like, I tried to bite her but that didn’t work so instead he’s gonna slide into her DMs like hey girl, whattup!” “Oh, sorry, were you trying to make some divebomb on the whole party?? BECAUSE FUCK OFF.”

“I’m just gonna, sword out in one hand, shield out in the other--” “DICK OUT IN THE THIRD” “Sword: out. Shield: out. Dick: out.” “I am forcibly removed from Castle Ravenloft.”

“Wait, aren’t we in stealth?” “Yes, but he rolled a higher check and saw you.” “Well, fuck him then.”

[Paladin smashes a vial of holy water on the ground] “SCATTER!”

“Go!! Go go go go!” “Go where??” “OUT”

“It’s really fucking cool and makes no practical sense whatsoever, but like, we’re doing it.”

“Fuck the patriarchy!” [STABS A VAMPIRE]

“This is now the second time we’ve lit a house on fire in this town.” “That’s why I suggested it.” “I thought it was just because that guy was a douche.” “Well yeah, but also we solve a lot of our problems with fire.”

“CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN CAMEL” 

that being said this is also our last session!!! good game to everyone, somehow nobody died, it was amazing

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session #13: we ate shit to a tree for like, an hour

“Operation: Weedwacker, let’s GO!”

“You run into a half man,half wolf hybrid.” “LIKE WOLF CENTAURS???” “No, like werewolves. “Why didn’t you just SAY THAT instead of getting my hopes up with WOLF CENTAURS.”

[Our DM] “What are numbers? I can’t read suddenly, I don’t know.”

“I AM READY TO GET DICKED HARD BY SOME WEREWOLVES” “Roll initiative on this ass!”

“Vanessa, you have lightning bolt, don’t you? What does that do?” [panicked] “... lightning bolts????”

[paladin] “Do we need to take a short rest?” [our sorcerer, delightedly] “No! I’m drunk on power!”

“The sun will set before I move because it has more initiative." “Why does the SUN have an initiative roll??”

“He just starts strokin’ his dick with a branch.” “Well, the grapple action is called ‘grasping root’...” “Also known as ‘groot’.”

[To the DM] “I’m gonna request you don’t do that voice because it sounds too much like Angus McDonald, boy detective, and I cannot deal with that in my campaign.”

“We just stepped into this stone circle and immediately died.”

[DM burps] “I am rock fucking hard right now.” “What the fuck.”

“Now I’m just imagining little men in these trees.” “Are we fighting the Keebler elves???” “STRAHD IS JUST SIX KEEBLER ELVES IN A TRENCHCOAT”

“No offense, but I don’t mind protecting you. You do take damage faster than the rest of us. … And I just realized that sounds horribly offensive. Fuck. I am so sorry.”

“What were you going to do with that?? It was a months old rotted meat pie! It was probably crawling with worms!” “Listen. I went to college. You eat what you can find.”

“Look, there’s a difference between someone dying for me again and eating a psychadelic meat pie!” “Yes, and the difference is your level of fucking responsibility.” 

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session #12: a statue shot our ranger in the head

“This is the best way to start D&D. With furry discourse.”

“Wait, we’re trapped here???” “That was the FIRST EPISODE! The big fuckin door shut! We’re STUCK, FUCKER”

“Stop dabbing.” “NO”

“Do you want a repeat of the LAST time you tried to stealth me? Because it will be top speed ass arrow time.”

“Time to look at the hole!” “This hole was made for me.” [party, in union] “NO”

“This is the best D&D party. We’re memes galore.”

[Ranger, after trying to find a way to dodge an attack for 10 minutes] “... Yeah, y’know what, I think I’m fucked, just fuckin roll damage.”

[DM] “Please, that’s assuming that you think I have a fucking plan.”

“LIGHTNING BOLT, MOTHERFUCKER”

“I turn around and stab myself instead, like, BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THIS COMIN’”

“Roll for statue hotness.”

“I can’t believe we’ve gotten through this entire campaign without fistfighting a ghost. Seriously, what is even the fucking point of any kind of fantasy if I can’t use it to fistfight ghosts.”

[Out of silence] “... Can I have another Luna Bar?”

“Okay, well, once we’re out of the cave… uh, @ Kaz, what the fuck.”

“Well, I guess I’ll go attune to the holy symbol for a half hour.” “So, totally code for jackin’ it.” “Yep. That’s how we did it in the chantry. Gotta go attend to that holy symbol alright.” 

“Well, I could learn Counterspell...” “Expelliarmus!” “ExpelliFUCK YOU!”

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session #15: our rogue betrayed us for the big bad

“Strahd- but with a gun.”

“You can hear organ music as he leads you to the door…” “Oh, great, so he’s the Phantom of the Opera.”

“Oh my god, Strahd likes Homestuck.” “That makes so much sense!” “No, okay, why the fuck would that make SENSE?”

“Aren’t I allowed to care about my people?” “Frankly, the last time we saw you, you were kidnapping a child.”

“He could’ve just gone out into the sunlight. And died. Like ALL of us.” “Since when do you die in the sunlight??”

“Did you ever think you were RIGHT to shoot someone in the ass? Because that’s where I’m at right now.”

“Use the power of friendship! Call out to her heart! She will hear!” “Sorry, there might be a knife involved.”

“PLEASE DO NOT BITE ME HERE. IN THIS HOUSE”

“Ah, yes. The triangle of Unfortunate Decisions.”

“Wait, wait, you have to draw Strahd in the time out zone.”

“Shit, if Kaz doesn’t make it out of here, I’m next on the list for asking out Venetia after this.”

“We’re fucked. We’re so fucked. We are fucked city.”

(on a successful counterspell) “Literally Strahd opened his mouth and Venetia was like, stop that fuck shit.”

[cancerously]

a cap from last night’s d&d session.

can YOU spot the dm????

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session 9: our sorcerer spent 20 minutes flirting with an enemy druid

[rolls a nat 20 on perception] “Mirhel, Mirhel, what do you see?” [the entire party, in unison] “ALL”

“You conscious has three different voices and they’re all telling you to stop.”

“No, I’m the one who went too far. For three arrows. Not for deep fryin’ a woman over there. ME.”

“I love that our first two attacks are like overwhelming successes with complicated moves and then our Paladin tries to swing a sword and crit fails.”

“My favorite is Stalinism.” “That didn’t answer ANY of my questions.”

“NO ASSES ARE BEING SPARED TODAY!”

[whole party chanting] “JUMP IN THE WINE! JUMP IN THE WINE!” “I don’t know, guys…” “C’mon Kaz, do it for the wine.” [ENTIRE PARTY GROANS]

“No, no, I got it. Druidic is like Yiddish, and Elvish is straight-up Hebrew.”

“Yeah I mean, we’re gonna end up fighting this guy no matter what.” “Whether it’s with swords or cocks, yeah.”

“I mean my idea is mostly to backflip across the room and roundhouse kick this guy in the face.” “Well, you COULD…”

“I walk over and put my hands around Venetia’s neck--” “WHAT THE FUCK” “IT’S LAY ON HANDS, IM HEALING YOU”

“You find like, those thin, green needles you find… on like, pine trees?” “Pine needles.” “Fuck you.”

“I don’t know, can you do like… a toxicology check? Does chemistry exist?” [our mage, quietly] “... I went to college.”

“Do we just have a sticker we can put on this, like, ‘no, not that one’?”

“You can just. Say which one it is.”

[NPC] “You are supposed to… bond with the sword.” “Like what, take it out for drinks?”

“That is the gayest thing you have said this entire campaign, and I have watched you flirt with another man.” “You gay disaster.” [cheerfully] “THAT’S MEEEEE”

[DM, as we complain about a summon gone slightly awry] “Hey, what am I supposed to say? Barovia fucks with magic.” “Oh, oh, I see, so you’re just being an asshole. That’s what’s going on here.”

“I mean if you call his name and pet his head, he could be a happy dog.” “Great. Fine. I pet the horse-sized ZOMBIE DOG.” “Why did we need the fucking wine as a bribe?? We could’ve just showed up with THIS.” “Guys, guys, it’s fine. He’s a ROTtweiler.” [ENTIRE PARTY GROANS, PART 2]

[cancerously]

d&d inquisitor’s session #8: bad puns

“There. Apples. In my ass. That’s the first quote for this session. Fuck you.” “I get all my nutrients through my butt.” “We haven’t even started.”

“On the upside, it’s probably too narrow to fit a bunch of vampires in there. Now ghosts. You could fit a LOT of ghosts.” “WHAT IF YOU STACK THE VAMPIRES IN A PILE”

“C’mon Vin, you can do it!” “... Do what?” “I don’t know, but you can do it!!”

“So Mirhel, you wanna lead this merry band of idiots?” “I mean, why not, I already do.”

DM: [trying to pronounce wine skin] “Your mind skin-- wine squid-- FUCK” [entire party descends into laughter]

“You were like, okay, I’m Mirhel, here’s Vin, Venetia, and…” [looks at smudged writing on hand] “... Reese.”

“Idk man, masturblazing sounds like the best way to describe that.”

[After fighting some sentient plants and meeting some new NPCS, DM is discussing their appearance.]

“They look like they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been living in the woods for a bit now.” “I can’t believe the forest has gentrified this house.”

“Couldn’t have just been beasts, man…” “I don’t write the book, okay?” “FUCK YOUR BOOK”

“You still have a bunch of those plant guys on you.” “DAMNIT how do I get them to go??” “Maybe they should… leaf you alone.” [COLLECTIVE GROAN]