It's their Eight year at Hogwarts. Draco is secretly in love with Harry, but the dark haired Gryffindor has a girlfriend. Draco would most likely hide his feelings forever, but after a misused spell during DADA, everyone learns about his deepest desire- having a family with Harry.
Oh look, I have written another story that wasn’t in any of my to-do list. And it’s all @lady-mephistopheles and @agent-eggy the bestworst enablers ever. Early this week we were talking a bit about this post in relation to Hartwin and well, I couldn’t resist. And then I got to talk with @insanereddragon about it too and it went in a new direction that I really wanted to write about. So yeah, this is it, enjoy ;)
Stamps
The thing with having your sense of self-confidence shot to hell, is that even if you manage to do one thing right, it doesn’t restore it.
You feel good for a day or two if you are lucky, but after that you’re back to doubting every little actions that you take.
Harry might have helped take down Poppy, but what if it had only be a fluke? And it wasn’t like he had done it alone. It had been a team effort.
And even if Eggsy insisted that he had played a crucial part in the mission, even if all the reports of that day underlined the importance of his role so that all others could do the part they had been assigned, he’s filled with doubts.
What if they only make his actions have a bigger impact than they truly had out of pity for him? The great Galahad, not so great anymore, but back from the dead and imprisonment. They would let him have this small victory before sending him packing, wouldn’t they?
It’s small consolation to know that Eggsy wouldn’t let that happen without fighting it tooth and nail.
It warms him from the inside out to know that Eggsy never stopped loving him, even after all this time when he believe him dead. Heavens knows that some days, the only thing that kept him going was the hope he could see Eggsy again, get to kiss him at long last.
But if Eggsy is ready to make hell on earth for him, it’s out affection. Harry is sure it has nothing to do with a conviction that he would still make a fine Knight. Or if he does have that conviction, it’s because he still remembers the Galahad of old, before Harry got shot in the head and left to die on hot pavement.
He sure didn’t feel like he was living up to the legend while he was trying to requalify earlier that day. The once familiar motions now alien to him.
He doesn’t know the results yet and he has to commend the two handlers in charge of his tests for their poker face, but he’s always been good at judging his own abilities. Today wasn’t good by any definition of the word.
Eggsy - in honor of you acing the last of your tests i was thinking indian takeout? i’ll pick it up and meet up at yours?
He stares at the message longer than he should, but at least there is no one in the bullet train to the shop to see him.
Sometimes, like in this instance, he dearly wishes that Eggsy wouldn’t have such an unwavering faith in him. The only thing worse than his disappointment is the hurt look he had been the cause of with his unfair words before he left for Kentucky.
Harry - As I doubt very much they would have shared my results with you, it is too early to say I have “aced” anything.
It’s only once he sends it that he realises what his message can imply about Eggsy. That Harry still doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for Kingsman for some reason, like he’s apart from the rest of the organisation, when it’s quite the opposite.
Harry is the one who doesn’t belong anymore.
Before he can fumble an explanation or an apology, Eggsy has already replied and he braces himself at what will probably be the start of a fight. Not that he can blame Eggsy for that one, he’s been good at dealing with Harry’s horrible mood since the start of his trials.
Eggsy - :/
Eggsy - it went that bad?
Eggsy - or are you just freaking out?
Eggsy - would you rather we talk when you get home? or if you want i’m still at the shop, i can wait and we can walk together?
It almost seem too good to be true, that Eggsy knows him so well already to understand what state of mind he’s currently in, that what could be perceived as an insult is instead Harry’s doubts showing their ugly head again.
But Eggsy has never been shy about saying when he’s upset or angry. Has always made it a point to be as honest with Harry as he could since even before they decided to see if their love for each other was enough to keep them together in the long run. Eggsy hadn’t wait until his feelings turned to resentment when he wouldn’t let him do anything around his house, he told him at once that he felt like he was just a guest to him, that it felt like Harry didn’t believe they had a chance in the long run.
And considering how he had went off on their first real meeting at the pub, how he gave as good as he got that fateful afternoon in Harry’s bathroom, it’s even more doubtful that he would keep his anger bottled up if Harry had truly hurt his feelings.
But it doesn’t make him feel any less guilty.
Harry - I am sorry to be such an arse lately… I just don’t deal as well with the stress as I once did.
Harry - Would you wait for me? Please?
He feels vulnerable admitting this to Eggsy, but he’s slowly been learning that he can trust him not only with his life and his heart, but with his weaknesses.
Eggsy - of course ;) Dagonet needs help with the widow display anyway, might as well be useful
Eggsy - and you ain’t that bad with the stress
Eggsy - even if you won’t believe me… we should come up with a system or something
Eggsy - like in school when you get stamps for good behaviour and shit
Eggsy - you would have gotten a stamp each day since your tests started
Eggsy - *stamps stamps stamps*
In another life, he might have fight off the fond smile that breaks out over Eggsy’s obvious support. Might even have been half-indignant at the somewhat juvenile attempt to cheer him up.
In another life, Harry was even more of an arse than he is in this one and he wouldn’t even have bothered with answering.
Harry - Since you’re the one dealing with me, I have no choice but to believe you. Thank you darling.
Eggsy - ❤❤❤
It’s the last of Eggsy’s texts until Harry gets out of the bullet train half an hour later, but for the first time in a few weeks, he’s not plagued with scenarios that his lover is simply putting up with him out of some kind of obligation.
He doesn’t doubt the reprieve will be short until the toxic thoughts return, but he’ll enjoy it for as long as it lasts and make sure that Eggsy fully benefits from his shift in mood.
***
“What if I don’t requalify?”
They’ve been home for some time now, cuddling on the sofa, Harry playing small spoon to Eggsy’s big. It had been some taking used to, for the both of them, being close enough to someone else to touch, to hug. But before long, it has become the part of their day they look the most forward to.
They take turn being the one holding, being the protector, but when they eat, it’s almost always Eggsy in the position. That way he can hold the plate while Harry takes great pleasure in feeding them both. It’s intimate beyond belief to be trusted with such a small act and they often lost themselves in soft kisses and forget all about the food.
Not tonight though, not with the thoughts swirling Harry’s mind.
This time however, the thoughts aren’t crippling doubts, they aren’t brought on by an unwavering feeling of failure. He’s calmed down enough to know that while he might not have given his best performance, it probably wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. He simply genuinely doesn’t know if his results will be good enough.
Eggsy, bless him, takes one look at his profile and knows at once that this isn’t Harry needing to be reassured of his skills. This is Harry wondering what he will do if his new best isn’t up to Knight standard.
“Well, there’s nothing stopping you from undertaking the tests again.” Eggsy’s is entirely right of course. Once in possession of a title, there is no limit to how many times a Knight can try to requalify after an injury or some such. But if he doesn’t qualify for the field now, Harry doesn’t think he will at a later date. He’s past his prime, no matter that he could still give most of the population a run for their money.
When he tells Eggsy so, he makes a sound of understanding before falling into some deep thoughts of his own.
“You could always retire completely and live off of what I’m sure is quite a nice little sum. Or if I am mistaken and you’ve got nothing saved up, I certainly make enough that you could stay home and be my kept man.”
Harry turns around just enough that he can nip at his lover’s jaw for his cheek, but it’s all very playful. After being part of Kingsman for more than half of his life, retirement is a scary prospect. But if he didn’t fear going mad from boredom, being Eggsy’s kept man wouldn’t sound so bad.
“But you’d probably become a villain just out of boredom,” Eggsy continues, his thoughts clearly going in the same direction as Harry’s. “You could probably charm your way into a new job without much difficulty, you posh wanker,” a kiss is pressed against his temple to soften the insult, “but let’s face it, you’d miss the cool gadgets.”
“That’s true,” Harry agrees easily, since no Kingsman would ever deny that half of the fun they had in their line of work was getting to use the gadgets after all, “but I’d miss working with you and all the others even more.”
He’s ready for Eggsy to call him a sap or something along that vein, but instead, he makes a soft sound and his arms tightens around him.
They stay a long moment in silence, Eggsy holding him close and Harry nosing against his cheek, the food completely forgotten.
“If I didn’t think you’d dart all the stupid git coming to the shop, I’d suggest tailor…” Eggsy trails off and Harry takes a moment to consider the idea anyway. It has some merits, but Eggsy is right. He wouldn’t do well with most customers and Dagonet, the old tailor, would sack his sorry arse, or worse, within the first week. “Handler? You helped Merlin make sure everyone was coordinated with Poppy. And you’ve been making some very decent suggestions to me and Rox for our missions. It would totally be an advantage to us to have them in real time. Merlin’s great, but he’s super busy and the other handlers aren’t bad, but they don’t know the field the same way the Knights do.”
It surprises him a bit how much he likes the idea once he starts to contemplate it, distractingly leaving a trail of kisses below Eggsy’s jawline, relishing in his happy sighs.
One of his biggest fear since he’s come back to Kingsman is that he’ll fail his missions, that he’ll freeze at a crucial moment and everything will go to hell because of him.
But something he’s got in spades is an absolute faith in Eggsy and all the other Knights’ ability to get their job done. Whenever things go tit up with either of them, it is more often than not because of unforeseen circumstances completely out of the agent’s control. Which doesn’t prevent them to prevail against the odd.
Directing them where they are needed, making sure they have access to everything insuring their success… He can see himself doing that.
In fact, the idea of being in Eggsy’s ear and watching over him during his missions is even more appealing than the one about fighting back to back with him.
If he hadn’t already been sure that he is a very different man than a couple of years ago, that realisation alone would have finally convinced him.
But he hasn’t changed so much that he will ignore the hard length pressing against his lower back. Life changing decisions can wait until the morning. Finding out how many time he can make Eggsy comes before he starts crying from the onslaught of pleasure cannot.
***
“Ah Harry good timing, I was just about to come find you. I got your final results.”
Merlin gestures at his clipboard as he sits back down, his expression unreadable. Well, there are probably some tells that would give Harry an idea if he requalified or not before Merlin starts giving him the details of his tests, but he’s not interested in finding out.
“Actually about that… I don’t want to know. I have done some thinking and if you agree, I would like to see if being an handler wouldn’t suit me more.”
For the first time in his life, after so many attempts in their younger years that he has stopped counting, Harry managed what has been said to be impossible.
He shocks Merlin into complete silence.
It lasts for one blessed minute where Harry thanks every deities he knows of that he is still in the habit of recording everything through his glasses and sending the feed to his own computer, because no one would have believed him otherwise.
Then, Merlin gets himself back into control and gives him a searching look, one Harry meets with all the confidence he’s been lacking lately.
Whatever he sees, Merlin is obviously satisfied. If he’s curious as to what brought his change of mind, he never asks, simply launch himself into an in-depth explanation of everything Harry would be required to do in his new role. He’ll need to pass some more tests, far more technical than whatever the Knights are required to know, but they both know Harry picks up technology sometimes even faster than Merlin when it suits him. Merlin doesn’t doubt he can do the job and for the first time in months, Harry has no doubts of his own.
If he requalified to be out in the field, only Merlin ever knows and it is one of the many secret he brought into his grave.
News comes out that Harry’s cut his hair so Liam drops by Harry’s mother’s house for a visit in hopes to catch sight of his new look. When Harry is surprisingly dismayed by his appearance, Liam tries his hand at making him feel better— still not knowing what his hair looks like.
Harry watched him from the corner of his eye as he felt himself turn red down his chest and back. It was a struggle to listen to Merlin list off all the things Harry hated about himself in that tone of voice, like Harry was something precious to be treasured. ... The camera was left on the rug, discarded and forgotten, as an ugly, wet sob fell past Harry’s lips.
Oh. I see why this scene wasn’t right. I needed to actually break Harry - not just break him with the smut. Well. This is going to be a good thing for him, don’t worry, but it might mean we won’t get any more smut this fic. Sorry everyone, this was unexpected.
thisbirdhadflown replied to your post “Auuuuugh. I finally (FINALLY) feel like I have a grip on Harry and his...”
Ooh, your version of Harry sounds very intriguing. If you're looking for a fic where Harry needs reassurance, maybe a post injury fic where Harry is recuperating? Although I did read a mission one shot where Harry sees himself as old, boring and lethal, and is mostly okay with it, except when he's around Eggsy, who's so bright and beautiful. Then he feels like he has to try to be otherwise
Thanks! Writing this ‘verse has made me realize how much I like reading insecure!Harry and where and how that develops. And it can be enlightening to see how he changes depending on whether it comes around pre or post Kingsman.
