state of grace || calum hood
“Hey papi.” You greet Cal, coming in in your gym clothes.
“Hey little one.” He greets, looking at you over his shoulder before pulling a loose hoodie over his bare chest, doing his best to hide as much of himself as he can. “You hungry? I was thinking about ordering in.” He mentions, finally turning to you.
“Bubba… we just went grocery shopping. Why don’t we make something? Give me like 30 so I can shower?” You ask. Cal nods and he watches as you come over and press a quick kiss to his cheek.
You aren’t the thinnest girl in the world but you work hard to maintain your body and Cal loves every curve.
You hit the shower and you start thinking about Cal’s behavior lately, he always seems to be covering himself, the extra baggy hoodies and t’s. You've known him a long time, he was a lanky teen when you met, and he was a slighter build when you started dating. He really started to fill out this year, and he didn’t seem to know what to do with it.
When you come back in one of his older shirts and a pair of sweatpants, he looks lost staring into the Fridge. “Hey.” You say, pushing yourself into his arms. Cal wraps his arms around you, “you ok?” You ask, looking up at him.
“Yeah, I’m fine baby.” He nods, leaning down to gently peck your lips.
“Ok.” You nod, squeezing him a little tighter. “Any idea what you wanna eat?”
You and Cal make a healthy dinner, and then retire to the couch for the evening. He knew you were exhausted from your day, but he hadn’t done anything at all, all day; Wander to the back yard with Duke to have a cigarette, sit and read a book, had coffee with Ash.
You find Cal out back in the morning and you smile as you sit next to him on the lounger. “Hey handsome.” You yawn, pressing your lips to his shoulder and then you lean your head against his shoulder. He rests his free hand on your thigh and you both watch Duke wander around. “Supposed to be really nice today, wanna take Duke to Runyon?”
“Ehh.” Cal shrugs.
“C’mon papi, we never really do anything out of the house anymore.” You kinda whine, threading your fingers with his at your thigh. “I’m beginning to think you don’t like me anymore.” You pout.
“I like you fine... We do stuff.” He knows it’s weak, but it’s all he’s got. He wasn’t ready for that.
“Going to Ashtons and picking up take-out don’t count.” You disagree, pulling away and standing. “I’m gonna take him. You’re welcome to join us.”
Cal definitely doesn’t want to start a fight. So he eventually decides to go. He looks at you when he gets to the bedroom, already in your workout tights and sports bra, putting on mascara. He watches you put the mascara down and then he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist. “Maybe we can just stay here,” He quirks an eyebrow and kisses over your shoulders.
“Absolutely if it leads to sex,” You grin at him in the mirror.
“I’ll definitely go down on you but it won’t be sex,” He shrugs.
He watches your eyebrows knit together and your lips turn up into your angry pout. “No deal,” You say, pulling out of his grasp.
“Baby, it’s not you,” he says. standing defiantly in the bathroom, arms stiff at his sides.
You roll your eyes, like you haven’t heard that before, “I’m gonna go make something for breakfast real quick. Get dressed if you’re coming.”
You decide on a smoothie and you make one for Cal, just in case. You start thinking, It’s been awhile since you had had sex, you can barely remember the last time you saw him naked. And even when he does seem in the mood, he just goes down on you and calls it good. Which is typically fine. Cal’s a giver, so it makes sense. But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss him.
Cal walks in the kitchen in a hoodie and basketball shorts. He grabs the cup you'd set out for him and takes a drink, and then comes over and wraps his arms around you again. You turn so you’re facing him, “it’s not you little one. It really isn’t,” He reiterates, kissing the tip of your nose.
You shrug, “not what it feels like.” You lean up and kiss his nose in return and then pull away, checking him out while walking out of the kitchen to get Duke’s harness and the water bowl you take. “You’re gonna want the running tights or you’ll chafe.” You call.
“I couldn’t find them.”
“They’re on the top in the second drawer, I just put them away,” you peak your head back in the kitchen.
“Well, I didn’t see ‘em.” He shrugs.
“I’ll go look. Can you get Duke ready?” You ask.
“Baby, it’s fine.” He insists.
“I’ll just go look real quick. The chafe is real baby. It hurts.”
You run into the room and see that the running tights are out, and balled up in the corner, as well as a few t shirts and shorts. You pick up one of the shirts and look at it, and things really start coming together. So you leave it be.
“Hey, guess you were right.” You shrug, “dunno what I did with em.”
Cal sighs in relief. He doesn’t have to try and squeeze into those pants or show that he can’t even fit into the t shirts he was wearing when you first got together. “Little man is ready.” Cal confirms, and he holds up water bottles and the snack bars too. “And we’re all set here.”
“Cool, I just wanna put on a shirt quick.” You turn to head back to the room.
“Why, you look so good babe?” He asks.
“Not feelin it today.”
And Cal can’t help but feel he might be to blame, turning you down for sex again.
“Alright papi, you and little bubba ready?” You ask, back in front of him in a loose tank.
“We are.” He confirms, holding up the keys and the bag of stuff.
So you guys spend a nice afternoon together, walking around the canyon with Duke.
“Wanna save water?” You ask, raising your eyebrow at him when you get home.
“That’s ok baby. I’ll wait.” He doesn’t even miss a beat when denying you.
“Oh… ok.” You nod, furrow your brow, and then head off toward the shower. You don’t want to show Cal you’re hurt. You let a few tears slip out in the shower, you’re trying to remember it’s about him, but it’s hard to feel that way when he doesn’t say so and he’s constantly turning you down.
You need to figure out something to help him. Food’s good and inviting him to the gym or to be active could help, but you know you need to get him to accept his body. And let him know, without just saying so, that you love him no matter what.
You get out of the shower and dress yourself in baggy sweats.
Cal can tell you’d been crying. He knows all the signs. “You ok?” He asks, coming close and lifting your chin.
“Yeah… just… don’t worry about it.” You shrug and walk past him, to the kitchen to get something to eat.
You’re wrapped in a blanket on the couch when he comes down, he kisses your forehead. “D’you eat?” He asks.
“Mmmhmm. Just had some leftovers.” You nod. You sit and make minimal conversation with him until you decide to go to bed.
And Cal can’t help but notice you are even more cold after denying you yet again. He comes to bed and tries to cuddle you but you push him away, “sorry bub. Not feeling good.” You pull the blanket under your chin and curl into a ball.
Your brain works overtime through the night and you wake up with an idea.
Cal is once again up before you, always for Duke. He’s made coffee.
You pour a cup before going outside. “Hey,” you greet. “Any chance you wanna go shopping with me? My pants aren’t fitting quite right for work.” You admit sheepishly.
“they a little big?” He asks, pulling you in and kissing the top of your head.
“Small, actually.” You turn your face up.
“I’m here for any support you need, you know that.” He grins and kisses your nose, “I’d love to spend another day with you.”
So that’s how you get Cal out shopping. And you watch as he picks some stuff for himself, and you can’t help but notice the things he’s picking are going to end like his t shirts and running tights. So, you mix some of them in your pile in a larger size and even pick a few things for him.
The two of you hit the fitting room and you don’t press him to share one with you, you don’t want to get your feelings hurt again. You get a pair of pants on and call over to Cal. “Papi you ready? Can I see?”
“Uhh… I don’t think this is my color little one. Let me try something else.”
“Ok papi. Let me know when you’re ready.” You sigh.
It takes a good 20 minutes and there’s a knock on your door, and when you open it, you’re staring at a red faced Calum, dressed in the clothes he came in.
“Thought you were gonna let me see?” You ask.
“None of them ended up being for me.” He shrugs. “But I’m happy to look at you and your ass in pants.” He quirks an eyebrow.
You pull him in and shut the door. “What’s up baby? All of those things were very you, very in your style.”
“They just weren’t right on.” He shrugs, taking a seat.
“What wasn’t right?” You ask, straddling him.
“They didn’t look right, or feel right… don’t push this please.” He asks, tucking your hair behind your ear. “The dad bod’s just not here for it.” He tries to joke.
“Did someone say you had a dad bod? Cause I’ll fight.” Cal shakes his head. “Stop talking about my mans that way.” You pout.
“The fans have been mentioning I’m ‘thicc’.” He sighs.
“Thicc is a good thing papi. But I could see how that’d be misconstrued.”
“It’s just…” he starts, but then stops and clams up.
“Calum, I’m sorry… but I need to know what’s going on. I’m trying so hard not to take anything personally, but it’s impossible. You are turning me down all the time… do you not want me anymore?”
Cal can hear the slight manic tone in your voice, and he knows now his insecurity is affecting you more than he’d guessed or anticipated. “I think you can clearly feel it’s not that,” He pulls you down on his hips. “Little one… I just…” he sighs. “Nothing fits. And I don’t know…”
“Cal… I know handsome. But you know what else I know?” You wait for him to look at you. “I know that when I was a mess over needing a bigger size, your response was literally ‘you’re the most beautiful and the size of your pants or tops doesn’t affect that. Just a little more to love.’ And you didn’t make a huge deal of me losing the weight, which showed me it wasn’t important to you. And you needing bigger shirts or pants to fit properly? Same thing papi. I wanna see you comfortable and happy and I love the hell out of every inch of you, and I’d like to see what kind of work you can do… you know, power behind those hips now…” you wink.
“I just don’t think… once you see me naked, you’ll wanna be with me anymore.” He averts his eyes from you.
“You know how strong you are Calum? You literally pick me up off the floor when I can’t go another step and you hold me tight like you’re holding me together when I’m breaking. You don’t hesitate for a second when I’ve clearly had too much of the world. You’re right there. You’re my rock, the thing that won’t move when I need to hold onto something. And yes, you’re body has filled out. But you get on stage and play two hour shows for months on end. Do you have any idea what that takes?” You pause, “If it’s truly about the weight, we can go to the gym, and eat healthier. I’m happy to do all of that with you. But if you’re worried if I still want you, if I still find you sexy despite the size of your shirts or pants, then please hear me right now. You are so incredibly sexy Calum Hood and it has nothing to do with a number.”
Cal cups your face in both hands, he lets out a little sigh and small grin turns up on his face. “I don’t deserve you.” He presses his lips to yours and gives you the needy kind of kiss you’ve been craving.
“Now.” You whisper, “imma put on that black lacy number. You’re gonna put on these jeans and this shirt, and we’re gonna talk about a date tonight.”
Cal takes the items from you, and the stuff he’d abandoned in his fitting room, in the larger sizes and he leaves you.
Cal knocks on your fitting room door five minutes later and you open the door. He’s got a short sleeve black button down on with a pair of distressed blue jeans.
“Aye papi!” You grin.
“You think so?” He asks.
“Yes… how do they feel?” You check.
“Much better, you were right.” He nods.
“You look amazing papi. Bet you’d get yourself laid if you took your girl on a nice date out of the house tonight.” You wink.
“I heard you little one. We’ll go out tonight.” He smirks. He cups your face in both hands and pulls you into a kiss.
You guys check out, Cal gets everything he tried on. And he works quietly when you get home to plan a night out for you two.
It starts with dinner and moves onto drinks at a bar you both like. He looks over at you after the second drink and grins, “thank you for today, little one, you said all the words I needed to hear.” He pecks your lips.
“I meant every word papi. Some days will still be tough, but you can get through this. You’re a hot piece of ass, and I’m lucky you come to bed with me at night.” You wink.
He rolls his eyes, “I’m definitely coming to bed with you tonight.”
“Can we go? I wanna love on you.”
“Yeah.” He nods, he pulls out his wallet and throws some cash down, then intertwines your fingers and pulls you out of the booth.
You’re excited to say the least, you needed Cal in this way and you’d finally get it, but you needed to show him love first.
He lets you start to undress him, but he holds you face, controlling where you can look. “Let me love you papi.” You whisper. He lets go as you get the buttons undone on his shirt and push it off his shoulders. Your fingers tap along his collarbone, brushing over the tattoos there. You let your fingers run down his chest, sliding around to hold him at his ribs.
Cal sighs when you lean in and your lips first press to his chest. One hand comes comes to hold the back of your head, and the other slides down your waist to your ass, he gently squeezes.
“You really haven’t noticed?” He asks, his hand moving from the back of your neck, to the side so his thumb could caress your cheek.
“What was I supposed to notice Cal?” You look up at him, “the only thing I noticed was that you weren’t happy.” You admit.
“And I let you think that was about you, and even probably perpetuated it. I’m sorry about that. You never fail to come through for me.” He sighs,’”I should have known this would be the same.” He half smiles at you. “I love you.”
You wrap your arms tight around him, he hugs you back. “Love you.” You mumble into his skin, squeezing him.
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masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael
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