@insoucicnce For Shizuma from Minato
Trust is so fragile, but not quite as fragile as his heart. Certainly it’s hard to tell, especially when he lets no one in, but Minato knows that he’s so guarded because it’s delicate. Shizuma, however, is a storm he cannot escape. There is no wall the other cannot break down. He’s known he was doomed the moment those warm hands ran over his hair as if petting a cat. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy getting pets, he did love it, but no one had done it so gently. The way his lover looks at him alone could melt away all his fears with the intensity of it. Yet the fear remains; lurking like a beast in the dark. It’s not his lovers fault that he is broken, nor is it his fault what others did to him in the past. He fears that whether he means to or not--he will destroy this one good thing they have because he is not enough; because he is too much like his mother.
Afraid of becoming so engrossed in this kind man that the world falls away until it comes back to hit him with despair and anguish. Yet he stays and he tries; pushes against the shadows in his heart so that he can reach out and touch the man with all the passion he is given. But he is still insecure. He is not always kind and he is not easy to love. He knows there are far gentler lovers out there; that as far as partners go he is more trouble than he might be worth. He’s had plenty of intimate encounters, but this is his first real relationship and the threat of failure is extensive. It would destroy him, he knows. There’s a very real possibility that he would never love again if he lost this little light in his life. He doesn’t think it would ruin him in the way it did his mother (though he knows he’d never be the same).
Still as that woman hangs off his arm just a second too long before finally letting him go so that he can wander over to Min, the tightness in his chest gets worst. It’s so painful that he fears he might die. They don’t speak on the car ride home as he sulks in the passenger seat, eyes gazing forlornly out the window. There’s the fear of admitting he’s so jealous that it burns, but those eyes follow him til he can’t take it anymore. He slams his fists on the table, rattling the dishes for their dinner. “What do you see in her?” It’s louder than he means, his voice rising with the weight of his emotions. “Shi...” this time he trembles, the tears springing in his eyes. “Do you still love her? Am I just...” He can’t say it. The words lock up in his throat and he turns away, hair falling over his eyes so that the red-head can’t see his ugly expression.
Tears drip off his chin as he cries quietly. He’s so jealous that it breaks him apart. The worst of it is he knows he wouldn’t blame his lover. “Is it...I know I’m not nice and I can’t be honest but am I really so unbearable...? Is all of this just a lie?”
