Reaching for you Is like trying to break through my own skin And I want to Believe me, I want you But this monster that’s on top of my heart He keeps me locked inside this prison of skin I can barely touch myself So I try to hold the walls, the phone, the sheets But as soon as I am on the bed, I am reminded of being tied to his bed I am reminded of his sweat getting into my eyes It poured from him like a waterfall It was salty I know, because I screamed the whole time Until I couldn’t Then I counted the imperfections on the ceiling I was trying to be anywhere else And that’s how I feel right now Like I want to be anywhere else But there are no imperfect ceilings above me So I count the imperfections on myself 1.) the scar on my thigh 2.) the fat on my stomach 3.) my uncentered naval 4.) the scar on my knuckle from biting down and trying to keep the screams to myself so my father wouldn’t hear my weakness seeping out of my bedroom 5.) the hair growing back in my legs even though I just a shaved last night 6.) the look of brokenness in my eyes Too many to keep counting. Too much to keep inside But I fight to keep it hidden behind my bones I know once it’s out there’s no taking it back No more denial No more normal - but this isn’t normal, is it? At night, I lay next to someone who loves me. Someone who knows what’s been done to me and would lift me out of my head if I asked But I never ask, because I am too heavy And he is too brilliant to touch someone as broken as I am. You asked me once, if I was ready to admit that i am stronger because of what happened. And it shocked me that you’d give my attacker credit for my strength when that’s exactly what he took from me. I am responsible for my strength. I am the one who picked up my own pieces and tried to move on in spite of the panic attacks, pain, and plundering that took place. I grew through the torment that lingers on my skin, nestled into the cracks in my scars. Am I okay? Sometimes. Am I strong? Enough. Am I ever going to forget? No. -AshleyAnne #ashleyanne #aarpoetry #triggerwarning #instaokay #strong #strength #prose #poetess #iwillneverforget https://www.instagram.com/p/B1rs3WEhNaR/?igshid=1t0ddj9m3ivuf