Intelligent emotion
I’m making a decision. It’s a decision I’ve made before, but I find myself having to choose it again and again. Which there’s nothing wrong with that.
This choice brings with it much anxiety. The road ahead is not simple and will take a lot of time to accomplish. The journey feels like a lonely one, which always makes it feel impossible, but what I know is that I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who know and understand me, and even some who have been down this road themselves, still traveling on the journey.
The decision also brings regret, that I never made this choice back when I was in school. That I had an opportunity and resources to indulge in this journey when it would have been much easier and fit more into my schedule. But I know that this regret serves no function other than to remind myself of my mistakes. Mistakes are not bad. They are unfortunate, but they happen and I’ve learned from them. I’ve learned about myself and I know who I am now. Those mistakes put me on that path, so in that way they were necessary. But the regret is superfluous. I don’t need it anymore.
I’m deciding to become a programmer, to learn programming languages. I am going to walk that path.
I know where I’m headed, and truthfully this is part of a longer journey. My interests are a bit more broad and abstract than merely getting a job in computer programming or network engineering. These are just goal posts along that journey, opportunities to learn more about myself and this journey as a whole. My interests are more scientific and academic than they are economic. My endgame is to be a part of something a lot larger than my job, to continue to engage in the intellectual pursuit in which I’ve found myself these last few years.
I want to discover. This journey is one of discovery, of finding something new. I started this journey alone, but am willing to bring along and include as many interested parties as possible. On my own, I’ve found myself on the threshold of something marvelous, a potential revolution.
I’m grateful for what I don’t know, for without ignorance I would never know where to look for answers. Without ignorance, I’d never recognize the new, or the profound. I’m grateful for the people in my life who acknowledge and encourage my curiosity. I am grateful for the opportunity to teach myself, that I live in a time where self-edification on this level is even possible. I’m grateful because I don’t need to be in school, that I can embark on this journey without need of license from any institution or individual.
Knowledge is a gift for everyone who seeks to find it. I am most grateful for the possibility of truly finding something no one else has ever found. Not because I might be the first, but because I might someday get to share something with the world.
My wish is to eventually become a scientist, to embark on the last great adventure afforded us in this time and place. That is my end goal, to be more than just a worker but an adventurer. To encourage others to embark on this same journey.