the first thing he notices is that she’s just as damn beautiful as she had been the last time he had seen her. it’s not often now. with him aboard the enterprise & his visits with joanna more often comm calls than not, he doesn’t need to. doesn’t want to, really. their divorce had been the hardest thing in his life. it turns out there was more resentment than he had thought. he had never resented his ex-wife. he resented himself. the way that his job had suddenly become his whole life, the way that he’d rather sleep in an on-call room at the hospital than stay with her, the way that the bottle had become his confidant & not her. he made mistakes in their marriage. joanna, bless his daughter’s heart, had forgiven him for every one of them. but some things couldn’t be forgiven.
“ joc. “ the nickname slips off his lips easily & later he’ll curse himself for it. he doesn’t smile, nothing close, because looking at her since the divorce has always been a bit like looking at a harsh afternoon sun: easy enough to acknowledge that it was pretty, but it hurt your eyes & eventually made you blind. “ so i heard congrats are in order. jo told me ‘bout the engagement. i’m happy for ya. “ that’s what one said, right ?? when the once love of your life was getting married to another guy ??
the universe is back to normal, jocelyn thinks when clay proposes to her. THIS is what was always meant to happen -- what their parents had promised each other when she and clay were barely toddlers. arranged marriage was an ancient thing, but that didn’t stop affluent families from trying to create the PERFECT matchups. it’s not like she DIDN’T love clay. she did. they’d grown up together; she’s known him her whole life. but she never expected the curve ball -- the man who became her first husband.
it’s hard staring at leonard now, because every time jocelyn sees him, it’s an exercise in emotions. there’s GUILT, there’s ANGER. but -- there’s always something in len’s eyes when he meets her own, something that looks DEAD inside... and jocelyn regrets everything that transpired during the last year of the marriage. from leonard opening the bedroom door to getting lawyers that cleaned him dry and almost took JOANNA completely away from him. she never intended that. maybe at the time, she’d resented him too much to think straight -- but leonard mccoy was a good man. a BETTER man than she ever deserved.
she hates that even though she’s engaged to someone else, her heart still pines for him. when he mentions congratulations, she forces a smile and glances to the rock on her finger. clay was never subtle. “she’s EXCITED,” joce says softly, because it’s always easier to talk about her daughter than it is to talk about herself. “she gets to help choose mommy’s dress, and then she’ll get a dress of her very own.” she feels hollow when she meets his eyes. “thank you, len. i can’t imagine this is EASY.” the resentment has died down over the years. she feels more wistful and nostalgic about their relationship more than anything else. she wants to be more candid with him, but they’re not there yet.
