This, or something better.
“Full Moons are a time to celebrate abundance and recognize what has grown. To recognize that whatever our intentions are, we don’t need to stifle them by attempting to define them. “THIS, OR SOMETHING BETTER.” is a great mantra for this moon, because the horizon is endless, and goes on far beyond what the eye can see. If your intentions don’t look like they have materialized just yet, continue to pray, act as if, trust, and give thanks for the work your guides are doing on your behalf. Just because you can’t see it yet, doesn’t mean it’s not marinating and brewing. Gratitude is always key.”
Originally written by Ritual Tarot in May of 2018, I copied these gorgeous words into my journal.
Tonight, my eyes came across this writing again.
I raised my right hand in the air and I read these words out loud three times. I needed it to sink in deep. I needed these words to be loud. Scouring the page, I highlighted it over and over mentally. Bright pinks and yellows bursting forth.
This, or something better. This...this...That means now....right now...okay. Look around.
I looked around preparing to be grateful for my present: “THIS.”
I clasped my hands and looked around at my lovely little townhome. “I am thankful that I can provide a home and safe space for myself, as an independent woman,” I said out into the air.
“Haha, well with Caroline,” I added jokingly, as the Roomz is a key player. I started to make another statement about being proud of myself for doing something by myself. By myself. Something about financial security, and material security. Feeling safe, in my walls. For myself, by myself. Feeling safe in the little castle I built.
I could feel the castle wall in my chest ache as I spoke the words out loud. I felt cold and hard...speaking “gratitude”.
I looked over to the corner of the room, towards the dining room table. “Such an “8″ thing to say right?” My typical Enneagram 8 MO: *I don’t need help from anyone. I can do it myself. I don’t need you. I’m fine by myself.*
However, I crave attention and want to feel loved and cared for. *What a cRaZy thing right?* I mean... What a unique complexity in my being, right?
My shoulders softened. Oh, Rachael...
It’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to need people. Because actually, I am sure you have needed help recently. Your dad was just here yesterday fixing your toilet and going over your student loans and debt...
I AM THANKFUL I CAN HAVE PARENTS I CAN TURN TO WHEN I NEED THEM. I AM THANKFUL I HAVE PARENTS THAT CAN HELP ME FINANCIALLY IF I NEED THEM.
I am thankful that I have people I can turn to.
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My mind became flooded of instances recently where I NEEDED help financially and I couldn’t provide for myself. All at once in a wave, humbling me. I remembered a day a few weeks ago when I found out that my pride actually had a numeric cost. $35.
Rachael, what a bizarre, arbitrary price for your pride?!?!?!?
$35, an insufficient funds fee.
I had gone negative a few days before payday and asked two friends for help. Both were in their own binds so I had just decided to bite the fee. I wasn’t going to ask my parents, or my then-boyfriend, for help. Now truly, I could have asked either party and I only had to ask for $50 but, I couldn’t spare my pride & ego.
However, I could tell my boyfriend about it... and I could tell him how I texted two friends asking for their help... I could make jokes about #adulting and #strugglebus and laugh... but I couldn’t actually ask HIM for help.
I hadn’t actually even THOUGHT of that as an option. I wasn’t telling him this story, talking him in a circle, beating around the bush - I was just stuck in the bush.
Shame. Fear. Vulnerability. Discomfort. Bushes aren’t comfortable, man.
Which in reality is sad. The whole thing now is just sad because I couldn’t be weak and vulnerable with the man who had cared for me, for nearly a year. When he suggested spotting me the cash himself, I immediately rebuked it. *No, I don’t need you. I don’t need help.*
I have no problem being vulnerable and telling my stories. I have no problem publically over-sharing my pain for a laugh, or a connection. I don’t really get embarrassed often, because I don’t care.
I try not to care. I try not to care too much.
But, it’s because I want to be loved. I want to be liked. I want to be needed. I want to be received. I want to be known. We all do. WE. ALL. DO.
....End of that trail, the boyf chivalrously helped me out. I should have known and trusted that he would have.
But my own garbage always gets in the way. We are always in our own way.
I tried to own the situation and humble myself. He and I laughed at my silly behavior. I remember him sympathizing about how it isn’t fun to need others financially. And he’s right, it isn’t fun...
It isn’t FUN needing help.
It isn’t fun to feel like you aren’t enough on your own. It isn’t fun to feel incapable or incompetent. It isn’t fun to need help doing something that you can’t do on your own. It isn’t fun or easy to turn to someone and ask for help.
However, we were created for connection. We were born incapable and incompetent. There are lots of things I don’t know, and I have lots of people I can turn to.
I realized that I need to be grateful for the people who have helped build me into the woman I am. PEOPLE who have helped me shape my reality. People who have helped me when I couldn’t for the words.
I AM THANKFUL FOR FRIENDS WHO ASK HOW THEY CAN KNOW AND LOVE ME BETTER!
What I realized tonight in this dialogue with my spirit was that; it’s OKAY to need people. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to ask for help.
It’s okay to be needy.
Because my world is fully colored with resources; dear friends who thankfully know more than I do, and there is also lots of love. Endless love. Unconditional love.
I don’t know where I am going, but I have come this far. THIS, OR SOMETHING BETTER.
Let’s go.
Radically, Rachael
