Yk the stuff I wrote before, I thought they were shit and I never read them again lol. But today I was going through some of my old works and wtf, it's not that bad? Why were they actually so good? How did 16 year old me manage to spout those out of her brain but nearly 18 year old me can't piece a sentence together?
Today, I read one of my juniors writing. Like I'm so proud of her, SHE'S SO GOOD GUYS HEE VOCAB IS SO GOOD AND HER SENSE OF HUMOR AND HOW SHE KEEPS THE PLOT GOING FORWARD?? 10/10. I love it. She's going to go sm far and I'm so proud of her.
But I also hate it. I cried like a pathetic bitch. It sounds miserable but yes, I cried. How is it that kids years younger than me could write so well? What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I hate that the one thing I could distract myself with, I can't. It's not that I don't have ideas, I do, but for some reason I can't explore them enough or even jot it down. Maybe it's because I'm growing up, maybe because my obsessions wearing off, maybe because I no longer daydream 24/7, but whatever's the reason, I can't write.
I can't write. Every sentence I write, it's terrible and I want to throw up. Even if I force myself to write like a certain amount of word limit or pages, the story pacing is so fucking awkward I want to die.
I used to be able to draw. Now I can't. I used to read books. Now I don't. I used to write. I used to write sm. All the time. About everything. My friends. How the day went. How I felt. Now I write nothing.
Highschool is draining the shit out of me. All I could think about is what if I fail this exam and that exam and I only have like a year left till admissions and the way I study is not enough for med school and I'm scared I don't have what it takes for med school because I'm lazy and I want to write because that's the only way I feel relaxed but I can't write so now I'm just overwhelmed 24/7.
Fuck. I even hate this post. What a terrible way to describe my feelings.
