July 11, 2016
I wonder if you remember everything. Everything that happened between us. The drives, Valentine's Day, the music, the movies, the superheroes, the memories in my car, our dirty secrets, and everything in between. Do you remember? Do you ever think about it? Reminisce about the good times we had and wonder where everything went bad? I used to pray for the pain to go away, but I realized that no one was going to take the pain away from me, I had to want to get through it. I used to wish that I could change the way things went. All of the what ifs; what if I hadn't gone to school that day? What if I hadn't stayed after school with you? What if I hadn't done this or that. Everything you can possibly think of, I thought of it. Every single scenario played out in my head. I wished our memories would leave me, but no one could take them away from me. Your empty words still ring in my head sometimes, as if you were saying them again for the first time. It still hurts. Your words, your empty promises, you left me in my car and then you did that thing. I called it our thing, but it was just this cute thing you did. You looked back into my car after you got out and stared at me, you watched for awhile. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I couldn't even look at you. My chest hurt and my breathing became uneven. My emotions were everywhere. I felt out of control, I felt like my world had just been ripped away from me. I remember when we would talk on the phone and I thought that I talked too much so I'd be quiet for awhile, but you'd whisper my name and say, "Why did you stop talking? I like hearing your voice." Every single time and when I told you I thought I talked too much, you told me "You talk a lot but I like to listen to what you say. It makes me happy." You made me happy, I felt like I had no care in the world, but that's when the worst things happen I guess. I remember everything in close to perfect detail. I still have everything. I wonder if you have the stuff I gave you, the stuff I made you. During the weeks after I was broken, I couldn't do anything, more like I wouldn't, but everything was so painful. Everything reminded me of you. It hurt to go into my room, where on countless nights you'd talk me to sleep and promise that you'd never let me fall asleep alone. You promised me Disneyland, you promised we'd wake up next to each other every morning and fall asleep to each other every night, you promised me you'd never let me fall, you promised that you weren't going to drop me out of nowhere and all of those were broken. Those words became empty, there was no more meaning behind anything. I'd remember what you said and realize there was nothing more than just those words. You were fine while I broke and shattered in every single way possible. Everyone thought it would be me who broke you, but when it wasn't me, nobody cared about me when I broke, when I shattered, when I became almost nothing. You had your friends to back you up and take your mind off of me, while I had no one to save me. No one to catch me while I fell. No one to listen when I needed to talk. No one to pick me up when I fell down. No one to pick up the pieces. I learned that I had to catch myself, I had to pick myself up, I had to be there for me, I had to pick up the pieces. No one was going to do it for me. You broke me. It's the worst that anyone has ever done to me. But you're graduating this coming school year and we'll probably never see each other again. I wish things would've ended better, but your ego. It was huge the last time we talked; you stepped all over me, you disrespected a fellow student who lost his life, you talked to me like you were better than me, you talked like you had some type of control over me, you were different. It broke me more because you weren't the same person you were when it was you and I. It was my fault for believing words. I hope you live out your life. Much love, Iris Rae