Might Be Leaving The Hazbin Fandom
Though...I haven't fully decided yet.
Cuz I still really like it.
But it also gives me too much pain to be in it.
The post beyond here is my thoughts and emotional state that I'm struggling with so don't go beyond this point if that's not something you care to see.
I was in it cuz I had dear close friends that I could share it with. But I lost those friends out of nowhere for reasons unknown and the damage done from it is so massive that it's affecting most of my life still and a multitude of other fandoms and things that I once cherished, like this one, are also bringing me pain now. Cuz I can't watch or see something anywhere now without thinking of them and being reminded of them, as it usually goes when I care about friends, to the point where I get so excited the first thing I want to do is share it with them. But then I have to stop myself because I have to remind myself "Oh yeah, that's right...they won't see it...they won't receive it. Because they cut me off... we're not friends anymore"
then I get to being reminded that I still don't know why because they refused to give me a reason and did it so suddenly and out of the blue. I tried to ask why. For clarification. Just do I could understand their side and take better caution in the future, even if it didn't fix whatever it was that happened, I still just wanted to understwnd them so that I can be better. But still got nothing. I was denied an answer.
People are valid and entitled to their choices of course, so it's not like I'm angry by it. Just hurt. Really BADLY hurt. Because for years they were the family I felt safest with, trusted with everything, there for me since my own family never was. And then suddenly they weren't.
Without warning, sign, or reason, they were gone all at once and I was cast out and left confused, never understanding what it was that happened so that I could know where to start rebuilding myself...
Which just hurts more and I'm back at square one in that repetitive cycle.
I still have a few wonderful people now that I met online. And I love them just as much, but ALL my IRL connections are gone in a blink and I'm constantly reminded of it. Which puts me back in the cycle once again
Those wonderful few online friends are part of a social server with me on Discord now so even if I leave the fandom I'm not leaving them. I have solice in that.
(if you're interested in joining that too, come talk to me)
But otherwise, I just wanted to make this notice...
Just Incase.
Because I haven't fully decided, because I don't want this type of thing to ruin things I enjoy, but it's hard to argue with a constant battle of spiraling emotions... And having to constantly remind myself "No Akarii you can't share that Instagram wheel with them anymore remember? No you can't show them that character you know they'd love in that show you're watching, remember? No you can't gush over your new bias with them, remember? Because they don't want to see you anymore. They don't want to hear from you anymore or share with you anymore Because you're not friends anymore, remember?"
The damage that was done did more than anyone can really comprehend.
Now I'm trying to get to know myself again...to remember how to be the me I was before them...so that I can learn how to be a better me without them now
Sure...it sounds so profound right?
But trying to navigate through how much it hurts... that's the real challenge.
