#ironrot

[lightsiided]

     to say rey is surprised to see her is an understatement. the trip to new asgard was meant to be ROUTINE -- a casual check-in with val, to assist wherever they might be needed and show off a bit before it's too late for rey to travel. everyone has been excited to hear about the baby. rey spent what felt like an entire day answering well-meaning questions from people curious how her body would handle an asgardian pregnancy. so far, it's been mostly alright; she is only mildly uncomfortable from the growing weight. the swell of her stomach is noticeable but still slight -- she's not yet too exhausted to play with the children that approach them.

rey's just finished her midday snack when she nearly runs into her. despite all they've experienced, and that rey knows, deep down, that anything is possible... there is still SHOCK on her face -- jane is supposed to be dead.

"hello," she starts cautiously, her smile tentative. it's also possible this is a trick, somehow, isn't it? "what... are you doing here?"

@ironrot liked for a starter!

[lightsiided]

@ironrot sent: ❛  is there anything i can do for you?  ❜

     there's an immediate REFUSAL on the tip of her tongue. no -- she's fine. she doesn't need anything. she'll be okay. the words have been said so often they've lost meaning. fine is relative, anyway, right? complicated as her life is nowadays, it's nothing compared to growing up on jakku. her problems are different, now. less easily solved by kicking up sand or hopping on her speeder.

still, there's something innate in her desire to hide away. rey's used to taking up as little space as possible, to slipping by unnoticed. what was once a survival instinct is now a necessity in a different way: there are problems LARGER than her emotional wellbeing, than being tired, or hungry, or sad. no one has the space to worry about her, and she understands.

but it weighs heavy sometimes. lately it hardly feels as though there's anyone who understands her. it's the pressure, mostly, worsened by how her peers stare so expectantly, by how she's supposed to be everywhere at once, solving every problem that could possibly occur before it's even happened. probably, rey thinks, anyone would stumble with so much on their SHOULDERS.

yet no one offers a break. no one even seems to think about it.

so minnie's question touches her, simply for having been asked. rey feels her lips pull into a smile despite herself. "actually," she starts hesitantly, "i -- YEAH. do you have a minute?"

rey wiggles over where she's been sitting, on an overturned log while she waits for the moon to come up. a hand lifts to push her hair out of her face. "i'd love it if we could talk about something ELSE. just for a few minutes. something... stupid."

inconsequential, she means. rey can't quite recall the last time she had a conversation about something OTHER than the war, that didn't involve a decision that needed to be made or an opinion to give. in some ways, it's worse than when she had no one to talk to at all. she sighs. "would you... tell me something about you?"

[lightsiided]

❛  you did everything you could.  ❜

* empathetic starters | accepting

     "i know." her brow furrows, drawing together in consideration. "but he's still upset with me, i think."

it's nice to finally be able to celebrate their VICTORY. though remnants of the conflict remain, scattered across the galaxy, the war is won; rey is alive and healthy, and that's something to rejoice over. after so much pain -- years and years of seemingly endless suffering -- they've earned this chance to commemorate their achievements. it wasn't easy, but it's over now.

"i think he feels like i did it on purpose, or something. but... there wasn't anything else i could have done. it had to be me." that didn't mean she hadn't THOUGHT about thor, when she'd strategized with her friends one last time before disappearing into the sith citadel. of course she had. he was on her mind nearly the entire time, up until the moment when everything went black.

feeling him arrive on exegol was the only thing, actually, that had given her the strength to continue. that's one of several details she's glossed over with him, but she knows minnie would understand. the burden of making difficult decisions is one thing they have in COMMON.

"i don't blame him, exactly," rey sighs. "i'd be angry, too. i have been angry with him for this very same thing." thor has always been far more CARELESS with his life than rey has with hers. another reason why she feels she should be spared this indiscretion. "i just wish -- i don't know. it feels like everything that has pulled us apart these last few years is repaired, now. i want us to be able to be happy."

but things between them are still tender, and she knows she can't RUSH that. they're closer than ever regardless -- the rest will come in time. she shrugs, gaze bouncing from the fire they're sitting in front of back to minnie again. "thanks for coming all the way out here," she tacks on, belatedly. it's nice having someone nearby who just gets it, like minnie does. nice having someone she can talk to so openly without fear of judgment or reproach.

nice having friends at all -- people who care enough about her to celebrate that they've made it through to the other side ALIVE, when so many others hadn't. "we should have another drink," rey suggests, pushing to her feet. "something stronger."

@ironrot

[lightsiided]

i’m happy to see you too. from kyle

* things other muses say | accepting

     rey isn't proud of herself, but she freezes, panic crossing her face for a split second before it smoothes out again. fortunately, thor is in the other room. given the mood, these last few days, she doesn't want him to WITNESS this. he has enough on his mind, with the funeral...

...and everything else.

she sensed him in the force the moment everyone came back. it was a feeling she had enjoyed not having for the last five years, even if so much else remained terrible. a cold shiver down her spine, a prickling awareness of an awful wrongness in the galaxy. even as far away as she is, now, and knowing kylo can't possibly find her or thor HERE, rey feels a chill.

"get out of my head," she bites out. rattled, rey tries to close their connection as she has so many times before. she's simply out of practice, she thinks, as she glares into empty space, determined not to look at him. he is UNCHANGED by the last five years, anyway, just like everyone else who left and came back. of course he slipped by while the rest of the universe suffered.

of course he left rey to deal with the fallout of the mess he started AGAIN.

thor makes a noise in the kitchen and she stills, doing her best not to acknowledge it. it can't be POSSIBLE that he already knows, can it? she hasn't yet had time to prepare, to think of a plan that will keep thor safe. they haven't even really talked much about it, given the strangeness that has settled over them... the tentative peace they seemed to have reached since the battle of earth.

the man before her threatens to ruin all of it. he threatens to destroy the good they have fought for, the ground they have gained. the idea of it makes her so uneasy rey can't even find it within herself to GLOAT over all the blows they have dealt his precious first order over the last five years.

"i doubt you'll be very happy to see me on the battlefield." she bares her teeth in a scowl. "though i suppose it will be the LAST THING you see."

@ironrot

[lightsiided]

     before now, she had thought time would soften her resentment. as she moved on with her life -- got married, had children -- rey expected all that had happened would cease to hurt so much. sitting with ben now, it's clear that isn't the case. she can barely stand to LOOK AT HIM. every time she does, she can only think of what was taken from her: more time with luke, leia and han. time she sorely needed, time she wishes they had now. it's hard to think about working together when she still feels so angry.

although sometimes it's hard to tell if the anger she feels is wholly her own or not. that her husband sits, stewing, in the room beside them, his presence as foreboding as if he were right in front of them, isn't LOST on either of them, rey's sure.

she clears her throat. "you can see why i'm reluctant to bridge our minds. there are things i'd prefer not to share. if we are to use our abilities to work together... i think we should BOTH agree to stick only to that."

@ironrot liked for a starter!

[lightsiided]

❛   console .   comfort  my  muse  as  they  cry .

* silence memes | accepting

     the battle had lasted well into the morning.

what followed after was equally as grueling -- HOURS spent walking the wreckage of the compound, trying to get their arms around how many were injured... or worse.

she had offered her talents in healing to minnie out of a desire to feel useful. amid so much loss, rey had only wanted to HELP. slowly, they'd worked their way through the most grievous damage -- large gashes and broken bones -- though her eyes continued to dart across the clearing to thor with every step they both took.

rey's still not sure what she should say to him. there is no respite either being at his side or away from it; her heart aches with pain regardless. the sheer amount of issues for them to discuss is daunting. tonight had been a close call, to say the least, and rey refuses to leave anything unsaid... but she isn't sure where to begin. so having a task to focus on, for now, is the DISTRACTION she needs.

or at least -- it was. now that their last teammate is bandaged and standing, she's left staring at her hands, wondering why her vision is suddenly so cloudy. after a moment, she realizes it's because she's crying. quickly, tears well in her eyes and slide down her cheeks, making trails through the dirt on her face. rey's bottom lip wobbles; in seconds, her breath starts to SHAKE.

a hand grasps her shoulder. she stills, then hurriedly lifts a hand to wipe at her face; it comes back streaked with dust and wet. well -- no one could blame her for being upset, she supposes. rey turns to see who's standing behind her and comes face-to-face with minnie. she clears her throat. "SORRY."

but minnie isn't here to chastise her, or make more work for rey. she's here to COMFORT her. rey sighs, shoulders slumping. everything seems to knock into her at once, washing her over with grief. she feels her exhaustion more heavily now than ever before. "i just need a minute."

in the crush, rey's hand finds minnie's free one. she fits her fingers around minnie's and squeezes tightly. beneath the lingering adrenaline still coursing through every inch of her, rey feels her squeeze BACK.

@ironrot

[lightsiided]

❛   company .   silently  sit  with  my  muse  to  comfort  them.

* silence memes | accepting

     a sense of calm she hasn't felt in days washes over her as she moves to sit beside minnie at the cliffside. her legs dangle over the edge, but rey keeps her eyes on the sea, staring out at the waves. neither of them say a word. minnie doesn't even acknowledge her presence, but the shift to accommodate rey in the space beside her says she's welcome in this QUIET moment.

rey's glad she's here. more than anyone else she knows who could come visit her on earth, minnie understands what's happened and how it has uniquely affected each of them. perhaps rey's favorite thing about her, beyond the fact that she always seems to be in rey's corner, somehow, is that minnie doesn't expect her to provide any updates, or explain herself -- or say ANYTHING at all.

the company of someone like that is invaluable. minnie knows why rey's tired; she doesn't ask about thor, or new asgard, or the resistance base, or the war. she doesn't ask how the others are feeling, how everyone's been dealing with their many losses. she doesn't even ask how rey is feeling, and while there are some people rey would be happy to spend hours talking to about her innermost thoughts, minnie included,... she's grateful she doesn't FORCE HER to do so now.

it's funny, in a way. much of her life was spent alone. at one point, loneliness was so familiar to her it became part of her personality. now, after so much love and companionship has found her, when it visits, it's like an old friend -- in a way, she's almost happy to see it again. sometimes it feels like it's what she DESERVES. like all she's found could disappear at any moment and she would be back to a life spent by herself. like she should expect it will happen sooner or later.

it's hard not to dwell, especially given she now feels the familiar stirrings of loneliness even in a room with others. even in a room with the person she LOVES MOST. it's something she feels too ashamed to talk to anyone about. how can she complain when thor is the one who's lost so much? she's here to support him -- in any way she can, no matter what sort of mood he's in. that's what he needs; that's what she'll do.

perhaps that's what makes it such a comfort to have minnie here. rey sort of feels like minnie understands how she must feel even though rey hasn't said a word to her about it. ease envelops her regardless -- just having someone sit beside her, someone who GETS IT but doesn't press...

for now, it's enough.

@ironrot

[lightsiided]

❛  i don't know how you do it. how are you able to stay so strong when everything around you is falling apart?  ❜

* empathetic starters | accepting

     rey exhales. her eyes survey the base, where things are starting to wind down for the evening. everyone is beginning to SETTLE -- finishing up what they were working on, dispersing, making their way back to their quarters to sleep. everyone but them.

she's meant to be giving minnie a lift back to earth, but rey hadn't felt right about flying off again without first checking in on her friends. it felt like she'd been gone a LONG TIME, even though it had only been a few days. but things always seemed to move quickly, during the war -- although lately they'd gone so long without news that it was starting to make rey itchy and unsettled.

despite the quiet from the first order, she'd landed to a host of other problems. even finn and poe had seemed SHORT with her while delivering the updates, like it was rey's fault, somehow, for not anticipating them. probably, they were right to be irritated with her. she should be here, helping, instead of out in space, where she can't fix anything, anyway.

even the thought of what awaits her on earth is grueling. she knows before they get there that it will only be more of the same. more silence, more uncertainty, more NOTHING when she once had everything. her fingertips press so hard into her closed eyes she sees stars.

"what choice do i have?" rey asks rhetorically. "being upset won't solve anything."

unfortunately, the words just make her think of leia. the lesson was integral in the latter half of her jedi training. staying BALANCED is the best thing she can do. acting out of emotion will only make things worse. rey grits her teeth, pausing for just a moment to shake the cobwebs from her mind, rolling the tension out of her shoulders with a stretch.

"come on." her head inclines towards the hangar, where the falcon awaits. "let's get you home, i'm sure there'll be new problems waiting there, too."

@ironrot