I hope this wont sound silly or disrespectful, but I dont know how else to ask and put the words!
A few days ago I did IRRT with my psych and due to the situation we worked on, it became very obv. that the part (wording my psych used, dxd cptsd and bpd and dissociative disorder, suspected DID) of me who thinks defending or even just calling the abusers out, is "dangerous", "forbidden" and "will make everything worse" is not due to like morals and thinking "i cant hit anyone" but its due to having internalized this as something forbidden. Its the next bigger thing we will work on. But Im kind of "scared" of it. What if that "part" of me is "too strong"? What if I will keep the awareness that self defense is ok, but i wont be able to go into action/say what i need to say because its holding me back? Im too terrified to defend myself, even now. The fear of the above mentioned consequences is so ingrained. Even judt writing this ask Im wondering, if admitting, that Id consider defending oneself is right. Like rationally, I know it is. But my thoughts are also "its bad, its dangerous, you will jusy be as bad of a person like them, bad things will happen".
It so hard for me to grasp how its so so ingraimed into my brain, eventhough its not my opinion.
Calling abusers out was dangerous and forbidden. That part is correct from their perspective which is a trauma perspective. Not the present one where hopefully they are safe.
Defending yourself can look a variety of ways. Like talking about what happened, or choosing not to. Both are an option, and both should be honoured and respected.
You asked a lot of great questions. Questions that should be explored with your therapist who can support you while you explore them
It sounds like you’re doing hard work, and doing good at it.
Oz
*IRRT (Imagery rescripting and reprocessing therapy)
