#is also this

[loveisliquor]

[tumbloggingat-theendofallthings]

I joke about my friends bullying me but the truth is they are so nice to me all the time and I do a terrible job of accepting their love unconditionally. I am allowed to love all of them deeply but when they suggest that may be even remotely mutual it actively terrifies me because I don't. Understand how. I'm just me.

And yes I am working on it. I've moved out of self hatred largely to mild dislike, annoyance, and bafflement at myself. I'm working on self neutrality and self esteem in tandem.

But I still struggle to gracefully accept that the people I found and chose, that I've been keeping in my life and continuing to choose because I feel such love and affection for them, are also keeping me. Are choosing me.

I think in many ways the core of this feeling is the distinct sense (leftover religious shit no doubt applies) that I don't deserve it, that there is nothing I can do to deserve it but that I must deserve it for it to exist.

[littlemsconceited]