MY INSPIRATION BEHIND “I Shouldn’t Feel This Way”
This is an email exchange between me and a reader. I will share snippets of the email that focused on why I wrote this story and what inspired me. I hope you all can appreciate my candid explanation— and if you can relate, just know that you are not alone.
.... My goal has always been to help people escape their lives, if only for a moment through my writing.That is the purpose of literature, after all, to offer some sort of escape and change or challenge the way you think and feel. I've always wanted to give hope, touch hearts, make people think deeper and feel deeper than usual. Writing's always been therapeutic for me, and believe it or not, developing Aria's character and this story was pure therapy— only in the sense that I've had an abusive past, abusive childhood, without the "white knight" to save the day. That's where my inspiration to develop Noah came from. The most shattered part of myself always yearned for a hero, and he never came. But in my world of imagination, anything's possible, and so I created that hero because I was in dire need of spiritual liberation, emotional rehabilitation, and healing.
Aria's abusive history with Rob is only a tiny little glimpse (and a more censored description) of what my life was like as a child and young adolescent, dealing with an abusive father. Although I have portrayed Robert as Aria’s stepdad, his personality and character is exactly like my real life father. There's always a sense of vulnerability in sharing painful memories, but I realized that I can channel all that pain and use my experiences to tell a great story, develop characters people can relate to on some levels. It feels safer to hide behind fictional characters, break off pieces of yourself and place them into your characters. After all, no one would ever know those are pieces of you, unless they know you on a deep level, or if you blatantly shared the truth behind the inspiration to develop those characters. Look at JK Rowling, for example. If you've ever read about her life, you would see that she is pretty much Harry Potter. There are many parallels between Harry's life and Joanne's. It's sad, but also inspiring because she used her childhood pain to create a character so many other kids can either relate to, feel compassion for, and grow to love.
I think I feel more confident to candidly express how this story came to be because I'm no longer in the shadows... I can't go back even if I wanted to. My identity is pretty much out there now and I'm bravely facing critical reception if and when it comes. This series has been my baby and I will always defend it. I do not regret writing it. Noah's character transformed as I wrote because I was at a time in my life where I was absolutely heartbroken. The man I'd loved and had put all my trust and faith in... I wish him well, but he truly crushed me and this jaded me as a result. Still to this day, I have a real life, living, breathing father who doesn't give a crap about me, never did, and never will... and then I was with someone who I believed loved me with all their heart and soul, and that ended up being a lie as well.
I won't go into detail and give you a headache about it, but I think you get the picture. I had lost my faith in love, relationships, and I grew up always feeling empty and envious of young girls who had loving fathers in their lives. I think that's why Noah's character is so believable because I literally turned him into a father figure and a lover. The lines are so blurred, adding angst, turmoil, and heartbreak. It's seriously sad when you think about it; a young woman abused all her life, her real dad is back in the picture and wants to be there for her, but "genetic sexual attraction" prevents their bond from forming appropriately. She's in need of a strong father figure, but also growing up and in need of exploring romantic relationships. There is so much psychology behind this story, I can't even express how much. I realized that high minded, intelligent people will realize this when they read. It's not about sex. It was never about sex, or incest. It doesn't even qualify as incest because they don't have sex in the book. Yes, there are obvious themes that flirt around that taboo topic, but the focus has always been to present a real life issue that happens everywhere: genetic sexual attraction. This typically happens often between cousins and siblings raised apart, but as an author, I really wanted to challenge myself and present those circumstances between a father and a daughter.
The last thing I wanted was to paint Noah as a predator, which was why I bumped Aria's age to 18 faster. I never recognized how personal this story was to me until I started writing the second book. I had a moment where I just reflected on the reasons why I wrote the series and where my creativity came from—and then it was clear to me. Aria represents a version of myself; a young woman who never felt loved by her father, and yearned for unconditional love. So there you have it; the birth of Noah Hunter: ideal lover and exceptional father... add in the controversial theme of GSA and you have a recipe for a very complicated love story, but a true page turner :)
I believe a good author will always blend fact and fiction together in their writing. I relate to Aria on so many levels because I know what it's like to grow up feeling unloved, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. I've never experienced GSA, but this is the part that I wanted to challenge myself with as an author—to tackle a real life issue and make it believable enough to see if I can convince my reading audience to feel compassion and sympathy for my characters.
I used to think it would make me weak to open up about my past, but now I realize that if I ever have a moment to delve into the analysis of this book, I will truthfully share how and why I decided it to write it. I'm no longer a victim, but an over comer and I hope I can inspire others to overcome their challenges in life, so that they can live happy and feel fulfilled.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
-M
