I’m just feeling so much fear of trying again.
I dream of many great things for myself. Great things that I know require work. Each time I try to work towards those things I want for myself, the same thing happens. I start out so motivated. I do all of the right things and I’m on the right track. I see the progress I’ve been making and I have this little glow of happiness and positivity in me.
And then you probably know what comes next. I usually don’t even notice when it starts creeping up to me. Maybe because positivity slowly become complacency. I don’t know. But the little failures start coming, slowly eating away at my motivation. And when I look around I’m suddenly in this deep, dark hole.
It is in here that I exist without living. In here I can’t bring myself to try to accomplish anything. Not when it feels like everything I do will eventually come to nothing. Somehow the outcome to the problems I have seem so dark and the good outcomes just feel so far, so impossible, so unlikely. When I’m down here I don’t know when I can see any light again. Because it takes so much, so long to try again. And each time I fall so deep, it gets harder to try and climb back up, because it always happens I have never been able to get out of this cycle.
I’ve never been those people you read about, those who could persevere in the face of countless challenges and who eventually became successful in their own terms. My struggle is much more trivial than what these people have went through, but I lack the kind of strength to face these struggles. I probably don’t have it in me. That’s why there’s so much fear towards trying again.
But at the same time, even with the fear still so strong, I’m thinking that hey, maybe......
Maybe just one more time... maybe this time I’ll actually get to it..?
