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😬 at my gp to get an ekg done for iop (lol acronyms) and she's clearly extraordinarily concerned about my health in a way that's making me ... at least somewhat nervous lol (need a pained smile emoji need a Noriko Late Spring face emoji or I'll settle for Pearl/X as well [idk which movie is the one where she makes the face])
i'm not even good at cutting myself. i'd like for somebody else to come and murder me. please.
also I really need to stop b/p'ing I need some sort of specific motivation/reward for abstaining. it's driving me crazy like it's really very very miserable.
fucking hate this time of day because it gives me one hour to appear convincingly normal and happy again after bingeing purging cutting and wishing I was dead
i keep just floating around 120 i want to cry i'm still depressed and i'm not even skinny
the truly messed up thought I've been having lately, enabled by pursuing my old ed instagram account for reference image purposes, is wanting to reach the weight I was at the time of my last rape 🙃 why? I genuinely could not tell you. and also my treatment team would probably have me committed before I could do it. but the urge is burning.
I need to re attain the body I had as a thirteen year old pre professional dancer. immediately
