july 15: ITS BEEN FOREVER IM SORRY (but it’s almost 2am and i’m feeling introspective so this might be a long one).
i went to mississauga with my parents today to help my sister move into a new apartment she rented so she’d be closer to her clerkship hospitals. this picture was taken on the way back. it’s really weird and a little jarring to think of how there are only six years between my sister and me but we’re in such different stages of life.
this morning right after arriving downtown i was in the lobby of the apartment complex and i got hit with a pretty bad dizzy spell. cold sweats, a weird cramp, feeling generally faint. it was probably because i hadn’t eaten much for breakfast or something but my dad got really worried and expressed it in the only way dads know how which was scolding me for going to bed too late/not eating properly/etc.
to be fair, my lifestyle habits have been pretty bad this year (a combination of quarantine and lack of willpower, i guess), and a few months ago i sort of had the realization that eventually i would have to become a Functioning Adult. on the way home (the same trip on which this picture was taken) my dad lectured me about discipline and how the next six or so years of my life would be some of the most important, in terms of learning and self-development.
logically, i know he’s right. like objectively speaking what i do during this time is going to affect my future more than any other decisions i’ve made, and i know that. so why is it so hard to make myself do things? after the aforementioned realization a few months ago i’ve been (somewhat?) trying to hijack myself into having willpower, but the lizard brain is truly an enigma. i’ve never gotten it to stay consistent.
i sort of had a bout of couch potatoey laziness this past week (not the good kind) and it’s probably why i haven’t been as diligent with keeping up with this blog. i want to, though. and i guess it starts with just doing it, right? even if it’s at 2am and is an incomprehensible jumble of word vomit, i’ve found that it is sort of a nice haven that settles my thoughts for a few minutes. i’m going to try and go back to doing these daily or at least once every other day as a baby step to get out of this slump. i should probably also get some sort of reward system, huh?
anyways, sorry again for not posting for three weeks. i am a very bad tumblr-er but i will try to improve! i’ll see you tomorrow :)
- j