It’s 1:48am I should be in bed... Instead, I sit up reading about human progress, new technologies, geo/political BS, checking out videos of amazing human feats, pretty much any BS with puppies, and great American’s got talent (or similar) singing performances. It’s not that I’m not tired, it’s been a long day, week, month, year... of averaging 4-6 hours of sleep a night... and tonight will be another. The problem is when I get in the bed it’s not empty. There with me are my demons teaming up with self-doubt for the first round. My inner demons are fine, we’ve been fighting for years... we’re used to trading blows with each other; sometimes I win, sometimes they do... but we pretty much have a mutual drunken drinking buddy respect going on now. What I can’t even understand, because I always had confidence which was almost arrogant, is how to fight back the self-doubt. It seems I lost my understanding of things and have made bad decision after bad decision.
Worse than those fights is this empty space... this space which you once occupied next to (and/or on) me... your fingers in my hair... that’s now gone. It maybe wouldn’t be so bad if that space you occupied next to me is empty if the space in my heart wasn’t still full of you... and my mind knows better, it knows... you’re gone. So, then I get to listen to my minds BS, you know the shit I already know because it's my f-ing mind and this tango is danced out most nights..., which of course is always fun. One thing is for sure though, my heart is tough and steadfast; that beaten, scarred, and burned little fucker has been cut deep but keeps on going on burning for you. Usually, after an hour or so of these battles playing out, I finally drift off to sleep. Which would be fine... except, now you are with me... in my dreams... but I can’t touch you, I can’t speak to you, nothing. Nope, I just see you in front of me and watch you in pain and I can do nothing. I cannot intervene to stop it, I cannot provide any comfort. I just watch the person I love in pain, helpless... and all my strength and all my compassion for you it doesn’t matter, I can’t do anything. That’s how it goes... until my own pain, anger, or disappointment at myself builds up enough that I wake up. Then my day begins, off to work, interacting with people, putting on my best smile, trying to convince myself I am work towards some better future... but that just seems impossible without you in it. It’s not every night but it’s enough of them that I no longer want to sleep. I wish I could at least hold you in my dream maybe that would be enough that I could sleep again. I’d be happy to take on the rest if I could have that one moment of shared peace & affection with you again... Shit, I’d be happy even to take some punches/hits from you just to know you are there and to feel your skin against mine again. You could beat me bloody with all the anger and pain you have built up within you; at least I would know you feel something... at least I would no it was real.
