How do you think Bam would react if he heard you defending him like that? Or if he read your words in a journal or something (not behind your back though, like it was an accident but not because he was snooping) [nyandereofficial]
@nyandereofficial Mmm, honestly, beyond “he’s a chill person who doesn’t sweat small stuff very much”, I’m not sure? This starts with an explanation for why I make those posts anyway. . . .
When I rant about the fandom, I’m very, very aware that . . . the people following me are the only ones who have any reason to stumble across those complaints. I try to tag it appropriately, and use read mores (though on mobile that’s like, completely pointless? Thanks staff) and don’t use the main tag (I’m not too worried about using character’s names willy nilly because I use a nonstandard spelling of Bam, Kun and Endorsi’s names (they’re typically referred to as Baam Khun or Koon and Androssi because of translation gimmicks <-- they’re not gimmicks but my brain doesn’t know what to call them right now). Bam and Endorsi are now standard spelling in LINE but Kun is completely nonstandard. If I didn’t use nonstandard spelling, or if Bam was easier to just “search” in tumblr (you get a lot of “BAM LOOK AT THIS” type posts instead, where Bam is a sound effect rather than a name lolol) I would also put distortions in the names. . . but that’s not the case so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So if I go to such lengths to make sure no one who doesn’t wanna read these posts doesn’t have to read them, why do I make the posts? Pretty much the same reason I make posts complaining about the way fandom treats Bam/Kun and the way Ya.tori is handled, which is: I’m an incredibly suggestible person. If someone tells me I have x feelings about y subject, whether that subject is a person, or a concept, or an event, I will believe them even over hard evidence to the contrary. This has absolutely been used against me, by people both fully aware of it and oblivious to it, and it will probably continue to be something I have to be careful of in the future, though hopefully as I continue to heal, I’ll be able to move past it.
I’m . . . really afraid of internalizing something that I don’t want to be part of my selfship with Bam, that I don’t want to start associating with romantic love (because, to be honest, my relationship with Bam is kind of . . . how I’m learning about romantic love? And through that, also other kinds of love, but I have more direct learning experiences with friendship and other things, and that’s part of the reason I get so, so, so insecure about my relationship with him, because it’s exactly the type of relationship that’s supposed to have an expiration date and an ending where I move on to someone else, and I hate that.) When I see people talk badly about Bam, I get defensive because I love him and admire him, but also because I don’t like those values, and I need to actively defend against them, or I’ll internalize them.
So in the face of all of that. . . ?
Bam’s basically just here at the end of my angry ranting to give me hugs and promise that I’m okay and can choose what I think and feel and he believes in me. If I go to far he’ll admonish me gently, but other than that . . .he has a pretty good grasp of why I need to let myself make angry posts that are likely only going to be read by people who disagree and maybe even feel attacked (they are not meant as an attack but I can understand why people might feel that way). He worries about me a little, but other than that, he’ll distract me and reassure me and trusts me more than I trust myself sometimes.
In regards to me standing up to Kun or Endorsi or Hwa Ryun (mostly the last two, and especially in regards to Rachel), though, he’s kind of like “Min, no” and drags me away. It makes him happy to hear I think of him as clever and kind and admirable, but I don’t think he likes to hear those things about himself in a confrontational situation quite as much haaaah. . . . I’ll still fight Endorsi over how she treats him though. Meet me in Bluebell Park for an ass kicking, Endorsi <- reference to a different fandom. But it helps if I tell him nice things about himself a lot in other contexts haha.
We haven’t quite resolved my desire to fistfight everyone in FUG + Jahad, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we’ll cross that bridge when I’m fist fighting everyone in FUG + Jahad
Grieving as a Christian, and I mean an evangelical Christian, is so different than grief as a nonbeliever. It’s different than the way Catholics do it too.
There were tears today, and there is still pain. But there was peace despite the pain. Reflecting on loss, I’ve reached further peace myself, and even joy.
As Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21-23 “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.”
In the thick of grief, it’s so hard to comprehend how death could possibly be gain, but in the moments I can grasp that… there’s no other word than glory to describe the feeling that fills me.
