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❛ i hate waiting. ❜ // @eniqme ( daphne )
❛ didn’t realize we were sharing our feelings. ❜ voice laced with sarcasm , he closes his book but not before memorizing the page number he left off. ❛ but since you started if off , i suppose it’s my turn : i hate that i’m here stuck with you. ❜
I need a really good Christmas header with the batfam in it.
Galaxies with boarders - Nishat
I’ma just explain why my day sucked major ass!
First barely any sleep because I keep having dreams about failing. Right down to sending texts to the wrong people. Like my brain is trying to keep me fucked, I swear. So I get up and my back is killing so I soak in the bath for a bit to try and get rid of some of the aching.
Then my mom picks me up because I have two appointments today. One to see a doctor so I can actually have one of those for the first time in my life, and another for the second eval to work out a schedule to talk to someone and set up an appointment to get started on meds for my depression and anxiety. We go out to eat first and I ordered boneless wings which come out dark and the sauce is like dried up and you can tell it was left at the window in the kitchen too long. So of course they notice I’m not eating them and they ask whats up, with reluctance I tell them that they are just a bit overdone but I’m fine because I was sharing my moms food and we had enough. But then another server comes over to get the story and apologize and I just... I don’t do well with talking about issues with my food already and that had me a bit stressed. They took it off the bill and as we were leaving the manager (a third person) apologizes again and I’m just embarrassed as all hell that everyone knew about my issue, which I mean shouldn’t bother me but with my anxiety I just don’t like anyone looking at me in public.
So then we stop by walgreens near the doctors office and they don’t have the atomizer for the vaporizer I have so I was like meh. We get to the doctor’s office and I start to fill out all my paper work and then we wait, and wait and wait and wait some more. And then it’s like an hour before I have to be in another town for my psych eval, so we had to reschedule the doctor’s appointment and head to the OTHER appointment.
So I finally see the counselor, and I shit you not, this lady says “okay” at the beginning AND THE END of EVERY! SINGLE! SENTENCE! and when she was reading over my file she’s going “okay... okay... okay...” by the time she asked if I was thinking about hurting myself or others, I was trying hard not to say “YOU IF YOU SAY OKAY ONE MORE TIME!” But she was just really unhelpful giving me nothing but numbers to call and papers with information about dealing with anxiety on the spot.... you know, everything that you find on tumblr? Yeah that’s what she gave me. And then she asked me about my agoraphobia and we talking about how being out of the house leads to anxiety and a lot of paranoia and she asks if I might want to try support groups. Yes because someone who has an issue with being around other people WOULD LOVE TO SIT IN A GROUP FULL OF STRANGERS AND OPEN UP!!!! By the time we left my mom was like “I’m finding you a new person because I was going to throttle her and she was making ME anxious.” ugh
And now I get to relax for an hour and then be up at 3:50am tomorrow. funn.
Just a big life rant I had to write down. I suggest that no-one read it. Seriously. lol
Think I'm going through a mad, hormonal period at the moment. I just got seriously angry over a blocked sink, especially since me and my family sometimes bicker over the kitchen sink being blocked now and again. God, we're so sad. But yeah, I got angry at myself for blocking it, but also because my mother, since whenever I go to wash dishes, she always leaves plates beside the sink that have food on them, or she stuffs tissues and biscuit wrappers into the her tea mugs etc. And when I mention this to her, it's always "I'm in a rush, I have things to do!" And because I'm a jobless layabout at this point, I can't really argue and not look like a selfish hypocrite. But really! It takes 3 seconds to empty a plate, and she only works around the corner from our house! And if I was able to leave work, stand in a 10 minute line for my lunch, get back to work, eat my lunch, empty the bins, and then throw away my own rubbish in under 30 minutes, then she can take the 3 fucking seconds to empty her plate, in the whole fucking 1 hour lunch break she has. And that's just about what I said to her, or shrieked at her really. xD
My brain's just in a rut at the moment. I'd call this my midlife crisis, but I'd probably just be over-dramatic. But I have been feeling really crappy lately. If I want a job, I'll have to go back into retail, but the world of retail and I just don't mesh very well. I have crappy social skills, and my nervousness and overthinking make it hard for me to speak clearly and then no-one can understand me. Or take me seriously.
I have been thinking about going back to uni or college. Cause whenever I'm asked what I want to do with my life, or what makes me happy, I have very limited answers. I feel like such a dull and empty person. Like, there's very little in my head. But I do know that animals make me smile (well, certain animals do. Bugs and stuff, I just can't...), so since last year, I've been pondering if whether or not I should look into a career involving animals. I just don't know what kind of career. The most obvious would be veterinary work, but I think that would be too much responsibility for me. And would take a long time to accomplish. So, I've been thinking that maybe I could become a vet nurse. It can take about two and a half years for someone to qualify for a veterinary nurse position, and the course I was looking at partly takes place in the same animal hospital we took our family dog to before he died. It's a really nice place. Only problem is the money, the qualifications needed for the course, and the distance/travel. And also the non-guarantee I'd get a place on the course, since there's limited spaces. My grades are fine, and I think it would look good from a university/college's point of view that I've already got a degree, and that I'd be using loan money to pay for the course, since that would mean I'd be less likely to drop out at any moment, given the money I'd be investing in the whole experience. But what I need is practical experience in a vet surgery or environment. I'm not sure what would qualify, but I'd hope that working in a dog kennel or something would count as vet experience. But only problem is finding somewhere to take me. A lot of places are either too far away, or just difficult for me to get to. I tried going in to my local vet surgery to ask if there was volunteer work, but I had no luck. And I really don't know what to do now =/
Basically feeling really trapped, but I'm really puzzled as to why. These "problems" that I have are easily solvable (or at least solvable by someone more competent), and I feel like I'm getting stressed over nothing. But that's just one of my problems as a person, the smallest thing stresses me out, and then that fact alone stresses me out cause how can I possibly live life this way when the tiniest things get me panicked and down! I wish I were tougher. And if I were to talk about this with my mum, about feeling trapped, while I think she'd be supportive, I'd be mentally telling myself that she's probably thinking "Why the hell does she feel trapped? Why can't she simply get off her arse and start fixing her problems? There's nothing stopping her." And while it upsets me, it's so true. There's nothing clinically wrong with me as a human being, I should be able to function and do things like every other average human being, but it feels like the smallest task, especially if it requires socializing, is way too hard for me. And I'm always questioning if whether I am somehow defective or slow, or if my self esteem is so low that I'm sub-consciously holding myself back and making things harder without realising it. *shrugs*
I think waaaaaaaay tooooo much....
Kinda hoping that maybe my mother might snap and murder me, that would solve my problem. xD Pretty sure I've made her that angry before that she's entertained the idea.
Really hope that no-one decided to read this shit! It just feels a bit better to get some of your feelings down in text form. It's too exhausting to write by hand, and I'm quite awful at expressing myself verbally so...
Ugh
You know when you get a foot cramp and it wakes you up in the middle of the night and then the rest of the day your calf is sore AF. Yeah that's my day...
Rain's new album is so disappointing.
