7/5/2020
Hey. I just have to let this off. My last entry was so depressing, wasn’t it? I don’t even dare to read it again, I am slightly afraid. I don’t even remember most of the content of the write-up lol. But let me tell you something. I did see a little light right after writing. I was having a difficult time dealing with the weight of my feelings. Not gonna lie. I was searching for ways to ease at least, an ounce, of the pain. You know how people have always told us since we were little, that any forms of thought and saying can be some kind of prayers,kan? I had again experienced the power of praying. Alhamdulillah. Here’s what happened.
About 2 hours after writing that, I still felt empty. More than ever. I couldn’t even pinpoint the sense of the emptiness. My heart and head were really, really empty. So I let my fingers wondered around tumblr and everything as I just got back here kan. Then, I went down to get some food and talked with my sister. Then.. naik atas balik and was scrolling through IG. Lepastu, there was just this moment where I felt like stalking Naim Daniel’s account because he has an adorable cat uwu. Few minutes later, I discovered that he did an IG live beberapa jam sebelum tu. And ouh barulah kita teringat time tu that dia akan buat live hari2x to tell kisah 25 rasul. One rasul a day. I only watched pasal Nuh haritu. Then I got busier with online classes and everything. But semalam, tiba2x tergerak hati nak tengok live yang dia saved tu. Turned out semalam punya was about Ayyub a.s :’) Tengok macam mana Allah nak tunjuk dekat kita yang Dia ada. Allah is indeed the best planner, I tell you.
You know how the story went like kan? How he was once a man blessed with every goodness this world could offer. Kaya harta, kaya iman, kaya kasih sayang keluarga. He was an established man who had everything. But how unbeatable his love for Allah was.. walaupun macam tu, he never forgot Allah. Tak pernah lekang dari mulut dia sebut Alhamdulillah. Then, satu hari tu, iblis minta izin Allah nak uji keimanan Ayyub a.s ni melalui harta dia. Dengan izin Allah, iblis cetuskan satu wabak ni yang buatkan semua ternakan, harta, tumbuhan yang Ayyub a.s usahakn, mati. Hancur semuanya. He was left with nothing but his family and rumah dia. Lepastu Iblis cakap, “kau tengok? Semua habis. Mana Tuhan kau yang kau pujakan sangat tu?” Ayyub a.s jawab apa tau weh? “Alhamdulillah, ujian ni semua datang dari Allah. Dan aku bersyukur.”
Lepastu, iblis tak puas hati. Iblis mintak izin Allah untuk uji Nabi Ayyub ni melalui keluarga dia pulak. Dengan izin Allah, iblis runtuhkan rumah Ayyub a.s, sampai mati semua 12 orang anak dia. Ibu bapa mana yang tak sedih kehilangan anak weh. Semua pulak tu. Lalu, iblis ulang soalan yang sama. Tapi Ayyub a.s jawab, sambil tahan sebak semua kan, “kita datang daripada Allah, dan kepada Allah jugak kita kembali. Alhamdulillah, aku bersyukur. Terima kasih Allah.” Weh. this part hit differently. And I just bawled my eyes out time tu.
Then tengok the unwavering faith of Ayyub a.s towards Allah, Iblis cakap nak uji Ayyub a.s ni atas diri dia pulak. Allah izinkan. Allah firman “ujilah hambaKu Ayyub ni dengan apa cara sekalipun kecuali hatinya.” So, Iblis pergi buat satu badan Ayyub ni ada penyakit kusta. For 18 years. Sampai dia dengan isteri had to move somewhere else sebab orang kampung takut berjangkit. And then satu hari ni, isteri dia tanya “wahai suamiku. Kau adalah seorang rasul. Permintaan kau akan dimakbulkan. Kenapa kau tak berdoa je supaya penyakit kau ni ditarik?” Lepastu Ayyub a.s jawab ‘kita hidup senang selama 20 tahun, aku hidup dengan kusta ni baru 18 tahun, isteriku. Macam mana aku nak mintak padanya untuk hilangkan penyakit aku ni sedangkan Dia dah limpahkan segala bentuk kesenangan dekat aku dulu? Aku malu.” Weh macam tu sekali weh peribadi Ayyub a.s ni. Kita terpegun dengar. Tapi sampailah satu masa tu Ayyub a.s berdoa jugak, sesopan2x bahasa, secantik2x bahasa. Dia tak berharap nak sembuh pun, dia doa atas dasar nak mengadu dekat Allah. But Allah turunkan petunjuk, untuk dia jejakkan kaki dekat tanah yang dia duduk tu,and akan keluar air untuk dia minum dan mandi. With that, memang semua penyakit dia ditarik and dia diturunkan kenikmatan yang berlipat ganda daripada apa yang dia ada dulu. Anak dia pun sampai 26 orang tak silap. And Allah ada berfirman dalam Quran yang memang Ayyub a.s ni hambaNya yang mempunyai iman semulia2x iman.
Kamu tengok cara Allah bagi jalan dekat kita? These stories exist for a reason kan? Allah tunjuk ikut platform yang paling dekat dengan kita which is social media. Allah ada dekat mana2x. He watches over us. We have Him, wherever, whenever. Kita baru hilang beberapa orang tersayang dah melatah. Allah uji sebab sayang ye kita tau. tapi beratnya ujianMu ya Allah. Tapi kita tak pernah terfikir nak bersyukur dengan ujian ni. Ada orang diuji dengan kesenangan, lagi senang nak lupa Dia. Tapi Allah bagi kita rasa kehilangan. Kehilangan tunjang kehidupan kita. Tapi Dia tak lupa untuk ingatkan kita yang kita bukan sorang2x. Seberat2x ujian kita tu, berat lagi ujian Ayyub a.s ni. Yet iman kita, Allahu. Goyah segoyah2xnya. And yes kita semua khalifah kan dekat muka bumi ni and Naim Daniel is definitely doing a good job. I salute him. Seriously. Allah je mampu balas jasa dia.
All in all, I just wanna say that it was very awakening and I felt like I was restored. Allah sayang kita semua. No matter what. And I thank Allah too, for giving me such wonderful people in my life, who stay instead of just walking away.
I can’t say that I’ll definitely be okay like totally okay after this. As I said, I don’t trust myself and iman kita naik turun. But at least, I’ll never forget that Allah knows everything and He is the best planner indeed.
May Allah bless everything. For you and I.
Love you.
Thilah :) <3