#item file

[preservationofnormalcy]

Item Number: 6223

Item: #2 Pencil

Item Description: Item 6223 appears to be a #2 pencil, painted yellow with no other identifying marks. Manufacturer cannot be conclusively identified, although certain stationery enthusiasts claimed an origin in the 1980s when consulted. It can be used to write, can be sharpened, and has suffered significant eraser degradation.

It is not known when item 6223 achieved apotheosis, nor by what thaumaturgical mechanism. Every test that has been conducted on Item 6223 points towards a deific ontological classification:

The item scored an 87% on the European Thaumaturgical Centre for Research and Analysis (ETCetRA)‘s Deific Entity Index.

Abnormal Science University’s Board of Applied Hubris accepted the item as a possible Target of Usurpation.

Callsign CHARLEMAGNE's modeling subroutine "DEUS_EX" returned "MODERATE_DIVINITY" when factoring the item into its calculations.

The Office’s department of Holistic Theology stated that the item rated very highly on their proprietary godhood self-assessment form. The department head of HT noted that in the absence of the item’s self-determination, they filled out the form for it using the item itself. Though ‘vibes’ are not an official unit of measurement, Mx Wren’s informal evaluation system has had an exemplary history.

As noted above, the item does not exhibit any form of sapience or indeed act in any way. It has not responded to prayers, supplication, offerings, or any other form of communication, verbal or otherwise. It is not known what domains it represents or has power over.

This has caused several conventional notions to be upended; namely that deific entities must necessarily be A) sapient and B) obligate pistiphages.

Research into possible unknown pencil cults is ongoing.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Item Number: 8888

Item: The █████

Item History: Item 8888 does not exist. The info-negative cognitoplex of item 8888 is often referred to colloquially as the █████. Current Office protocol states that this is acceptable in moderation - however, staff should be regularly reminded that the █████ does not exist. Until such time as better terminology can be created for non-existing objects (and indeed the underlying semiotics necessary for that terminology), the use of the word “item” has been deemed acceptable.

It is currently theorized that the █████’s impact on the noosphere is the result of the human inability to perceive a true lack of existence, referred to as a “cognitive dissonance protection response.” The █████ does not emit or reflect light, and does not appear on any form of sonar, radar, or any other form of electronic equipment. Photos or video of the location the █████ resides in are subject to the viewer’s cognitive dissonance protection response - that is, the photo will appear to display the █████ to any sentient entity viewing it, despite not in actuality showing an existing object.

Touching the █████ is not recommended for any personnel not already trained in Surrealistics, no experience with non-spaces or non-Euclidean systems, or with a C-hazard rating lower than 2. Personnel should be reminded that anything they “feel” when attempting to touch the █████ is a the result of a cognitive dissonance protection response, because the █████ does not exist.

Personnel affiliated with the Yellow Circle are understood to see something “else” at the █████. With state director permission, they may view or touch the █████, but under no circumstances should they enter it or share their perceptions with other non-Circle staff, as descriptions of the █████ may contradict the official Office position that the █████ does not exist.

The aforementioned cognitive dissonance protection response is currently undergoing study. It is currently unknown why all (100%) of humans or near-humans surveyed about the █████ (except those aligned with Circle belief systems) will describe the same shape and details about the item. Given that it is impossible to know details about an object that does not exist, speculation as to the █████’s origin is considered irresponsible.

(Image credit goes to @valdevia ! Thank you for letting me use it!)

[preservationofnormalcy]

(Pictured: the four (4) Hell's Bells currently in the custody of the European Thaumaturgical Centre for Research and Analysis [ETCetRA])

ITEM NUMBER: 1284

ITEM: Hell's Bells

ITEM HISTORY: Item number 1284 refers to any one of a set of 666 small (~1 inch diameter) bells, usually tied with thin twine. Bells are in remarkable condition for their age, but the condition will vary based on previous owners. Crude engravings are common.

Ringing any bell either with intention or with enough accidental force will summon a pre-designated demonic entity - typically a lower-ranking demon, usually not one approved for Earthly access by the Board of Infernal Affairs. This summoning action was originally intended to be performed by higher-ranking demons, and as such does not include any apotropiac measures such as runes or circles. Summoning a demonic entity in this way is not advised, especially given that the summoning mechanism also does not include any measures for the comfort of the entity in question. Common descriptions of this process include descriptors like "painful", "feeling spaghettified", and like "being extruded through Behemoth's arsehole". Demonic entities summoned in this way are likely to be upset at the intrusion and discomfort.

Current belief on the Hell's Bells aligns with Pandemonium historical records. At some point in the distant past, the political leader of Pandemonium, known now as Luce, gifted 666 of these bells to high-ranking military leaders. Once assigned to a personnel (labeled in Demonic records as a word most closely translating to a "flunky") the bell could be used to summon them anywhere at any time.

An additional rumor suggests that anyone who is able to gather all 666 and ring them will summon Luce. Office demonlologists do not believe this rumor to be true, but it is Office policy to hold a number of these bells - for their obvious veil-breaking tendencies in addition to a contingency against this rumor being somehow correct.

The Office currently holds 231 of these bells. Around 200 are known to be in demonic custody, with an additional 127 in the hands of approved collectors, normality preservation agencies, or archivists across the globe. The whereabouts of the other bells are largely unknown.

[preservationofnormalcy]

(Pictured: Item 3334 testing in conjunction with AbNaval.)

ITEM NUMBER: 3334

ITEM: Quantum Uncertainty Missile

ITEM HISTORY: Item 3334 is an air-to-air (modifiable) missile weapon designed by Magic Missile Weapons Systems, a contractor that upon investigation appeared to only have one employee. Developed in an attempt to fulfill a DoD contract for an “untrackable missile,” the weapon system appears to use extranormal elements, a direct contravention of the 1967 Magical Armaments Control Laws (or the X-CALIBER Act). The single employee of MMWS was brought into Office custody in 1993. A guilty verdict was delivered by a jury of his peers (IE, wizards) and he was sentenced to ten years in “wizpop” federal prison.

The weapon platform’s guidance system is programmed in what appears to be a proprietary version of the common magical programming language Wand+. This home brew code was noted by Abnormal Technology Division specialists to be “incoherent, even for Wand+” and “arguably a bigger crime than the missile itself.”

Through means that are still currently unclear, the missile system attempts to fulfill its “untraceable” objective by transposing the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle into classical mechanics - what this means in practice is that it is impossible to know for certain more than one fact about the missile’s trajectory after firing. It is possible to know the missile’s position, but not then its velocity, and vice versa. Tertiary facts about the missile - aspects of its physical design, color, shape, will all serve to confound further knowledge on the object’s trajectory. With multiple viewers, this can manifest as the missile ‘glitching’ around the sky, or even, possibly due to the weapon’s shoddy programming, ‘unfiring’ itself, happening approximately a third of the time.

To make matters more complicated, testing has determined that even in double-blind cases such that no one viewer should know more than one fact about the weapon, an “extra observer” can be found to be altering the weapon’s flight path. It is currently hypothesized that the missile “knows” where it is, for a given epistemological definition of ‘knowing,’ and is capable of ‘glitching’ itself. Although testing has shown with a high certainty that the weapons system is not ‘upper case’ sentient, it is thought that because various mundane technological counterparts to the weapon have rudimentary guidance systems capable of processing where it is and is not, transposing quantum mechanics onto that capability causes unpredictable results.

All known missiles, launchers, computer systems, and the documentation thereof have been deweaponized and assigned to storage in Archival.

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM NUMBER: 8896

ITEM: Wizardwares Gnome Home Wondersponge

ITEM HISTORY: Item 8896 is a novelty kitchen sponge, sold briefly in mundane and esoteric markets in 1988 under the name Gnome Home Wondersponge. Manufactured by the now-defunct Wizardwares Inc., the sponge caused significant political controversy and property damage before its removal.

The sponge purported to replicate the effects of a brownie, a fae subtype known for its beneficial (if capricious) effects in the home. Typical brownies were in short supply at the time, being both rare in North America and engaged in unionization efforts during the late 1980s. Though Wizardwares claimed that the introduction of the sponge to markets during the widespread strikes was a coincidence, the North American Seelie Court released a statement claiming the sponge was “a clear attempt to undermine hardworking American fairies,” with NASC Chairfae Jack B. Nimble going as far as saying it was a legal strikebreaking tactic.

The sponge’s method of operation is not entirely clear - Wizardwares enchanters would claim in later inquiries that the sponges were “loaded with thaumometric data from ten million instances of dishes being washed by hand.” Later investigations would conclude that up to 97% of those “ten million” instances were themselves not technically existent, extrapolated from the first 3% using quantum timeline analysis. This could help explain the sponge’s deleterious effects.

The sponge could be used as a normal cleaning implement, but at some point during the night, the item would typically animate and continue cleaning, usually washing dishes. Due to its faulty “database,” errors compounded - at first, it would not recognize which items were safe to run its abrasive surface against, potentially damaging dishware. Gradually, it would begin to wash cast iron, floors and surfaces in the kitchen, leaving unsafe conditions. If left unattended, the sponge would begin to work on other areas of the home with more vigor, breaking valuables, scratching glass, and traumatizing household pets.

Though protests were held at Wizardwares headquarters, the federal government did not act until the sponge was confirmed to have been sold in mundane stores. At that point, Office veil-preservation contingencies activated. All stores and cities known to have sold the sponge were canvassed, citing a “hallucinogenic compound” in the chemical treatment of the sponge.

The NASC subsequently released a statement that said while they were pleased the sponge had been removed from stores, they were disappointed it took threatening the veil for the Office for the Preservation of Normalcy to act, and not the struggle of the workingfairy. The Office has not officially commented on the sponge after an official report announcing its removal.

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM FILE #6412

ITEM: "Fool's Money"

ITEM HISTORY: Item 6412 is a standard American five (5) dollar bill. Running the serial number shows a mundane origin, but the item was slightly defaced at an unknown point. The inscription 'a fool and his money' (a reference to the adage 'a fool and his money are soon parted') has been written on the front face near former President Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln has also had pointed ears drawn onto his depiction. Whether this was merely doodling or a statement of the artist on President Abraham Lincoln's classification remains unknown.

This item was surrendered to Office custody after its previous owner suffered a mental health crisis, citing the bill's adverse extranormal effects. After some testing, it was determined that the bill, when spent, will always return to its designated holder, known colloquially as the "fool." The "fool" can only pass the bill onto another holder permanently if it is stolen, or more likely, if the holder is able to perform a financial "scam" involving the bill. The bill has no other documented adverse effects beyond repeated appearance and the mundane designation of the holder being a "fool."

Office psychometric testing has resulted in a 98.4% certainty that the bill's extranormal effects are of fae origin. Fae advisors have suggested that the bill was part of a 'literal wording' scam. They currently hypothesize that the original holder of the bill traded a significant amount of liquid assets for the ability for "money to return" to them, resulting in the bill in Office custody.

The nature of the bill initially presented a challenge in maintaining custody - though he surrendered the bill, the holder was still "the fool" and thus it returned to him. After researching the bill's effects, a mugging was arranged through a series of double-blind contacts, the bill stolen by a mugger acting, for that day via a thaumo-legal contract, as an agent of Office Accounting. The agent immediately made a business purchase of one (1) box of paperclips using the bill, thereby securing the Office Accounting entity as the "fool" and the bill's custody. It is currently in the OA's petty cash drawer, marked so as to not be spent.

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM FILE #2213

ITEM: "Glycon's Grove"

ITEM HISTORY: Broadcast from 1987-1996, Glycon's Grove was a children's puppet show that debuted on public television stations accessible in Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, and Iowa. After three episodes, the anomalous properties of the show were confirmed, and access to public television wavelengths was restricted. An agreement with Glycon's Grove production team (Oddy See) and the Office was reached wherein Oddy See would receive funding and distribution through OPN-approved channels, while all scripts, dialogue, and visuals were sent to the Parafiction Department for approval and study. After a brief interruption, Glycon's Grove was then broadcast nationwide (and in Canada and Mexico through agreement with RCOE and SER) on thaumic wavelengths decryptable by "analog augury"-compatible television sets, cable TV packages catering to the extranormal community, and distributed via VHS consumer hardware.

Glycon's Grove centered around the adventures of the titular Glycon, referred to as a "snake" despite his crude sock-puppet appearance. Glycon, often the energetic but patient voice of reason, would counsel his friends during common children's show storylines of the time, teaching lessons such as manners, the importance of reading and creativity, and honesty. The idea of snakes as "important, friendly creatures" was a common recurring topic. The show took place in the Grove of Olympus, with the rest of the cast being more typically-constructed puppets of a minotaur, hydra, cyclops, aquatic creatures, and in later seasons, a large "Cerebus" requiring multiple puppeteers to operate. Every few episodes, one of "the gods" (played by one of the human puppeteers in costume) would enter the Grove and provide the cast with that episode's challenge or conundrum. "Dio" was portrayed by actor Kenneth Young as a "surfer dude" always holding a family-friendly can of grape soda. "Heff" (Baker) often cajoled the cast into trying his new inventions, while "Arty" (Brown) asked for help in locating her lost pets.

Numerous interviews and investigations conducted by the Office concluded that while each other puppet in the cast (a list in the image above) was credited to and clearly played and voiced by a human puppeteer, Glycon's puppeteer, if they existed, was never credited or seen at any point. When interviewed, other members of Oddy See insisted that Glycon was "just Glycon" and did not acknowledge any puppeteer. During studio tours, Glycon was observed to move around the studio in ways that would be challenging for a human-puppeted character, EG, in one room and suddenly another, manifesting on multiple parts of a sound stage in rapid succession, always behind a barrier that could have reasonably obscured a human puppeteer from any Office observer. Attempts to isolate all visual angles in a given room often failed, resulting in Glycon appearing from a loose ceiling panel or other improbable locations.

Glycon "himself" always agreed to interviews, providing they could be done on Oddy See studio property, citing his "bum leg" as an inability to leave the property. He was at once forthcoming and evasive, simply repeating that he was "a puppet" when asked about his state, and that he "needed a new gig" as one of the reasons he started Glycon's Grove. Interviewers commonly reported Glycon as "charming" or "funny".

Parafictional research into Glycon's Grove and similarities to a mytho-folkloric figure of the same name are ongoing to this day.

[preservationofnormalcy]

ITEM FILE #7511

ITEM: "Screye"

ITEM HISTORY: Screye, developed by Esoteritech, is a mobile app that debuted in 2009. The app sought to emulate the functions of the centuries-old magical technology of scrying, or using a reflective surface to view and hear remote events, future happenings, or conversational partners. Though similar feats had been attempted and moderately successful in the 1980s using cathode ray televisions (known as "analog augury"), Screye was the first mass-market scrying program to achieve widespread success. Using the magical programming language Wand+, Screye automates the sometimes-laborious procedures of "dialing in" a scrying connection.

In order to comply with normality-compliance secrecy regulations, Screye is not available on standard app delivery mechanisms. In order to use Screye, users must perform an operation on commercial smartphone devices colloquially known as a "magebreak," modifying the device's operating system to accept a new app delivery mechanism known as Wizapp. Though controversial at the time, magebreaking commercial smartphones is now fairly standard practice among extranormal users, and is the only way to access common extranormal programs such as Screye, the dating app ASMO, and moon-tracking app PhaseTracker.

Screye is extremely widely used in many professional and casual circles, being considered almost ubiquitous. It allows any user with an account on the service to contact any other user with the app, as well as some functionality to contact more traditional scrying tools such as mirrors, crystal balls, and the aforementioned cathode ray tube televisions. To comply with chronological integrity guidelines, it has no divination functionality - though there are reports of Screye "glitching" and showing users glimpses of potential future events.