Sigh. This is incredibly tmi and personal, so leave now if you aren't prepared, but I haven't talked about this much and I fucking need to because I hate being afraid to talk about this.
I've mentioned it before here briefly, I think, but uh Jon's had a bit of an issue with porn.
About a year into our relationship I walked in on him in the bathroom one morning and that's when I'd figured it out. Every morning he would do that. Despite not soliciting anything from me. His excuse was that it helped him wake up and that it was less work than being intimate with me. I was hurt, but all I asked of him was to just not do that when I was home because it made me uncomfy and felt kinda bad that he was going there over me. He could not do this for me. He continued to do this and we had argument after argument about this. He got sneakier and sneakier about hiding it from me, but I always caught him.
Eventually I'd had enough and I figured if he can't at least cut this back I'd feel better if he just quit because it seemed like that was the only way and our sex life suffered pretty severely over this whole thing. He also could not do this. It took until last year when I threatened to leave him if he didn't quit. So he quit, as far as I was aware.
However he's started again because we haven't been intimate for some time, because I've had enough of this lack of respect and the unkindness that has been thrown my way by him. And he doesn't see how that, again, makes things worse. Because what was he supposed to do?? I told him he could do it without the porn at least, but apparently then it takes too long 🙄
But he's complaining that I won't even look at him anymore and I won't give him any attention, but he's not giving me reasons to WANT to give him those things. Asking him to fill the gap in our finances and our housework is too burdensome, he doesn't spend any time with me doing things, he refuses to fully commit to our relationship, and nothing I do is ever good enough. So yeah. I don't really want to sleep with a guy that's treating me like that. I don't want to give any romantic attention to that guy.
He never gives me attention when I want it, but expects me to give some to him when he wants. He expects me to drop what I'm doing to do things for him, but gets upset when I ask that of him. He constantly wants me to go out of my way to do shit for him, but if I ask the same, it's a problem. Gets upset when I spend money on "unnecessary" things because I don't have much money and he thinks I'm reckless with spending, yet he only ever spends money on things he can make more money off of. Never does anything fun, never gets anything that would make our lives easier. The robot vacuum was my birthday present one year and I had to beg for it. If there are other things we don't NEED, but I want to make things better I have to buy them. If I want to do anything recreational I have to be the one to spend the money.
Then at the start of covid there was the tinder incident. We were watching videos together on his phone and a tinder notif popped up. I lost it. I cried and cried and told him that was such a betrayal. He claims he "just wanted to talk to people and make friends". When I asked why he did not indicate that on his profile and why he didn't mention he was already in a relationship all he could say was "I don't know". Which was a cop out. I should have left. I should have broken up with him then and there. But instead he cried and I comforted him and he deleted the app and we moved on.
This still haunts me. This is still always in the back of my mind. He insists he wasn't aiming to cheat on me, but he can't give me any other real explanation, so I don't believe him.
It's just frustrating that he is so oblivious. He has no fucking care for my feelings. He seems to think I shouldn't be bothered by any of this and I should be able to just let it all go because I'm not perfect either and I'm not giving him what he wants so why should he give me what I want. But I didn't start to pull away until AFTER shit started going bad. And even after things started going bad I was still putting in so much work to try to hang on. And yet things have only continued to get worse. So yeah. I gave up. And now I'm waiting to be able to leave. I don't feel like that should be as surprising to him as it is.
We argued about everything for a while this morning, but after a couple hours he shut down and we had to quit because he just overloaded and couldn't take it anymore, but nothing is resolved. Not even close. So idk what to do.
My absolute last resort is I could steal cash out of his safe and fuck off, but that feels really shitty and I would have to leave a lot behind if I did that.