#ivlisposting

[naruhate]

Piece of vent art I made again. The idea was too good to pass on. it fits them so well...

[naruhate]

I’m watching a video essays from a gay man about old Disney animated films and it’s making me laugh and cry lmao. Something about the little mermaid movie is making me so emotional. 😭 I never watched the Disney movies with a functional brain so like listening to someone break it down in coherent gay language. It’s all too much at the same time and I feel mute so often because I don’t have the words to describe what I want to say.

[naruhate]

The Devil and child.

Long time no see. I think I will make this my new display picture now. The Shou creature is based on @tearful-thing's drawings of Shou. It's so cute that I had to draw it.

[naruhate]

Gotta talk about how I process this whole F/O thing cz like I see other people writing about their fantasies like they want their F/O to be doing this and that for them (nothing wrong with that, I just don’t relate to it). I just have this guy in my head that doesn’t really exist, it’s more like a ghost that haunts the narrative (my life). But also a comforting ghost, because I feel like whenever I’m doing something he’s also there with me. If it wasn’t for him then I would’ve been crashing out way worse whenever I go through an episode. I also like that self shipping is called yumeship, cz it sure feels like a nice dream. I’ve seen him sometimes in my dreams, although I feel sadder when I wake up. But I don’t want to focus on that, I just want to think of what makes me happy. And just thinking about saying his name is enough to make me happy. It’s not a new phenomenon with me or anything, but I did only manage to come to terms with my feelings through reading about other’s experiences. I thought it was bad to fantasise about someone without their permission so I haven’t done anything of the sort. I find myself tracing through things that he likes to do, just to connect more with him. Soon I found myself inseparable from this ghost, because it’s too addictive to always have someone by my side. My head has been so well behaved when I called for his help. I was afraid of being judged for this too, so I kept it to myself. Maybe I could be happy without being persecuted for it. As long as I keep it to myself, so I keep thinking. As long as nobody sees me like this.

[naruhate]

I thought of Librarian Shou again earlier when I was crashing out and part of me just completely shuts it out as soon as I started crying. Like I just forget what I was crying about with a snap of a finger. I thought of how that’s how he’s always been coping. Cutting up his brain to forget things so he can keep operating like a good machine.

Like in Lobcorp, if your day goes wrong just rewind. And if your mind goes wrong then just rewind it. Funny thing is that while Angela was made to perceive time slower, Shou just naturally does that because of brain damage. I based all of that on Puddles the cat. Sometimes it makes me really emotional to watch Puddles because I relate to her so much. She’s so full of love and affection, and with how slowly she moves, each moment of affection feels like an eternity with her.

When I think of Shou like that, my heart breaks. He’s that affectionate because of his disabilities, being insecure like not knowing when support will run out so he’s always trying to make it last just a bit longer.

Okay random fun fact to distract me from crying. He likes Malkuth the most. He likes other sephirot too, but he relates to her the most. She was said to be slow, and her department the most useless.. it reminds him of himself a lot. Also her human name is so cool… girl named Elijah. Makes me giddy whenever I see it. Her death scene still breaks me the most. But I’m glad in a way, that they didn’t hold back on how gruesome it got. In pursuit to be more useful to others, it hurts like nothing else. So it really scratched an itch for me to see it so accurately fucked her up. Love Malkuth.

[naruhate]

Just grounded myself by looking up stuff about schizophrenic episodes and going “me lmao”. It’s amusing, and kind of comforting to know I could’ve been just like that. My self restraint is working overtime to keep me sane and I appreciate it.

[naruhate]

One of our favourite band that we've been following since 2023 is finally releasing an album... it has my favourite song in it too. I'm just so happy. The quality is anime opening level. They make experimental rock music of any kind.

[naruhate]

I just learnt that like allosexual people actually think about sex beyond when it’s happening to them? Hell I don’t even think about it when it’s happening to me and there are people who can choose to think about sex like that 😦

Fyi my understanding of sex only goes as far as my understanding of romantic love like that’s something reserved for the people you truly consent to be with right? And even if people have sex without love, they still have to consent to it right? Or it would just be rape. But apparently people could have sexual thoughts that doesn’t have to keep the other person’s consent in mind like they could just be finding that person attractive and that enough makes them want to have sex like ew I feel so disgusted to be saying all of this just pretend this never happened at all 🧍