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I Want To Be British

I heard the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremonies were awesome. I actually have no idea because I didn't happen to be home when NBC was broadcasting them, and I didn't know that NBC would refuse to post video of anything that isn't happening in real time on their website, just in case I personally were to screw up their precious ratings. (Now I kinda want to do it anyway. They're going to be so confused when that one Dan Akroyd sketch from SNL that never made it to air gets 6,000 views in the space of an hour.)

But from what I HEAR, The Opening Ceremonies were awesome. I think James Bond was there, and like, the Queen jumped out of an airplane, and Mary Poppins fought Voldemort, there was an interpretive dance about the Industrial Revolution, and there was a Beatle and probably some fire. Sounds like a great party. And it made me realize that almost everybody cool is British and I would really like to be British, too. Here, I think, is how one goes about doing that.

1. Belong to a club. Not like a Book Club, or a Bridge Club, or The Babysitter's Club. Those are all woefully American. Think more along the lines of an elegant Edwardian building that you're only given access to if ten or fifteen other members have given you the thumbs-up. I thought these were a thing of the past, something talked about a lot in Oscar Wilde plays, but no, clubs do still indeed exist. You can go there for dinner, or to play billiards with a bunch of other English folk, or to get away when your wife is being particularly annoying. Or maybe you go there just to do normal things (read the paper, check your email) in a Top Hat and Tails. That's What I'd Do.

2. Constantly name drop about The Aristocracy (especially if you're one of them.) In America, we have reality TV stars, or people who made a lot of money doing something nefarious and then became reality TV stars. We care what these people buy, who they marry, who they're cheating with, where they're vacationing. But what if these people were LANDED GENTRY? It would be like if a Kardashian was rich and famous, yes, but also as if their ancestors had had the same enormous piece of land for hundreds of years because they repeatedly punched an Anglo-Saxon for it in 1066. And then they built a castle. And now they're a Lord. That would be so much more awesome.

3. Possess magic. All the best magical peoples are English. There is the aforementioned Ms. Poppins and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. There's Harry Potter and Gandalf, Merlin, David Beckham, Peter Pan (I think), Jack Sparrow seems pretty British...even Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is as British as they come. We in America have The Wizard Of Oz (a lost traveling sales man), and Herbie, Fully Loaded. We might have won the Revolution, but they win when it comes to Wizards.

4. Change the English Language. That's right. Just try and be William Shakespeare. The man invented the word "eyeball," for the love of God. (What did they call them before that?) So while it is no small feat, I am going to invent words as well. Starting with a word that describes that thing you do when your significant other gets you a present that you really, really don't like, but you feel guilty about it, so you sort of tell them you love it, but while lacking any luster - you dissatis-lie. It's a verb.

5. Be a brilliant orator/look good in a bowler. There's no doubt that Sir Winston Churchill basically won WWII for the Brits, had a massive intellect, and wore the most English of hats, The Bowler, with a panache rivaled by few others. However, what really does it for me when it comes to Churchill is the voice - its like a frog choking on a bowling ball while smoking a cigar. It's truly fantastic - I hope to cultivate a voice like that because I feel that people would really listen to me then. They'd literally have to.

6. Build a lot of bridges. So there was this guy named Isambard Kingdom Brunel who played a large part in the Industrial Revolution in England because he built a lot of bridges. And boats. And got into heated arguments with people about what kind of gauge to use on railroad tracks. I had never heard of this guy (maybe because his name has to go on the "Top Ten Most Silliest" List) but evidently he's a really big deal in England, so big a deal that Sir Kenneth Branaugh played him in the interpretive dance during the Opening Ceremonies (Was there an interpretive dance? I'm just going to continue to perpetrate the myth that there was.)

7. Appear in "Love Actually" or "Gosford Park." If you are not in either one of these films (one of which I watch every Christmas, one of which I watch every time I throw a fabulous house party where someone WILL get stabbed), I am not convinced you are British. In fact, I am willing to fight to the death that Dame Judi Dench is faking.

8. Develop a pretty major theory. The Brits are really good at formulating huge theories that basically explain how and why we're here. Evolution - we can chalk that one up to a Brit. Gravity - thank you, England. I have no idea who figured out Higgs-Boson or what it is exactly they figured out, but he was probably British and there was probably an interpretive dance about it during the Olympic Opening Ceremonies (that's not going to stop being funny for me).

9. Have an "Age" named after you. You pretty much need to be royalty for this one, so that pretty much means you need to be from England or Monaco. But if there were to be a "Laurenian" Age, I like to think it would be marked by lower gas prices, the end of the Time Warner Cable Monopoly, and constantly free concessions at the movies.

10. Be a Beatle. I don't really know how to achieve this one because I'm not even sure The Beatles really know how they did it. What can I tell you? Walk across cross-walks in perfectly spaced profile? Wear flamboyant Marching Band Suites? Try to book an appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show?" If you are successful in any of these ventures, please let the author know.

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