#iwritejustbecause

[whateverkimmy]

On Hatred, Self, and Letting Go

So I wasn’t able to write my year-end post for last year (wow, it feels weird saying last year when 2012 just ended the other day). But anyhow, I’ve been wanting to write again something like a Thank You list or additional Bucket List  or a Shit List or like write letters to my closest friends but I can’t because I’m feeling kind of stoned these past days. Shit. This kind of feeling sucks. Hatred is slowly eating me up inside and I don’t like it. I hate that I still feels angry at some people. Actually, I never felt this angry for a long time now. I thought, “Wow, I totally got screwed over [again].” Is being “too nice” or “honest” or “true to yourself” really a bad thing? I guess so, sometimes…maybe? Sometimes, it’s so easy for some people to take advantage of you, to criticize you or to play with your mind and feelings, because guess what- you are so fucking nice to them. Because for them, you are just that nice and understanding person, the good friend. That someone who never gets angry or can forgive people easily. I, in fact, don’t care about what “other” people think of me anymore. They are entitled to their own opinion. And besides, their opinions don’t matter to me. Why? Because they don’t fucking know me, the “real” me; they are irrelevant. That is why I got really hurt and frustrated when people “close” to me are saying or doing “bad” things to me. Like seriously?!?! I thought we were friends. Maybe I’ve been reading too much on things. Silly me. Them, hurting and criticizing me (may it be intentional or not), is not even a question. I got really hurt. I felt like a total shit, betrayed and stupid. And the saddest part is, realizing that you don’t even deserve any kind of explanation, or a sorry or anything shit because, maybe, you don’t really matter to them. Maybe I just got disappointed. Maybe I just really thought that they are “different” from “others.” I expected too much, maybe. And so I guess, I just have to accept the reality that we’ve all changed. Forgive myself for letting them hurt me and move on with my life. I should let go. Sorry that I can’t be that person that you all “expected” me to be. This is who I am now. I don’t just do things to satisfy people anymore.  And I won’t go knocking at everyone’s door and try to explain myself nor beg them to like me (or even love me). Because in all honesty, 2012 was the year that I became most “myself.” That year was one of my most (if not the most) profound, “intimate” relationships I had with myself. One of my cantik friends was so damn right when she told me that being 25 is the best. I didn’t believe her at first. But now, I could finally say, “Fuck yeah, it’s the best.” There are a lot of good and bad memories from last year. And I will surely remember them all. So much to learn from these memories. And even if I’m getting tired being so nice, I will really try my best to be really happy. To continue being true to myself and be Thankful to all the people who didn’t give up on me, and support me and love me for who I really am (and for who I am not). And that even though I’m heading down a crooked path, I should never give up.

[whateverkimmy]

Dear Beloved Friend [if you continue reading this, you'll know that it's for you], I will say this to you over and over and over and over again. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you...   You are one of the best-est people that I have ever met. And I want you to remember that. You are such a wonderful and a beautiful rare person in this world. BEAUTIFUL, don't you ever forget that. Remember those times that I felt like no one understands me. Those times I felt like everyone turned their back on me, and gave up on me. That period of time where I really felt like giving up. You are one of the very few friends who stayed beside me. I am just so happy that I've met all of you in college. Guess I was lucky, huh? Almost nine years of great profound friendship and counting. The other day you asked me how I picked myself up when I get knocked down.And this is what I told you... You helped me help myself, you made me realize my worth again, and to believe in life again, to believe in myself again. You are one of my heroes.

You've shared so many wonderful things to me. Thank you for that. _____________________ There's this one song that means a lot to me; a song by Corrine May, On the Side of Me. This song helped me get through a really though time in my life. It made me feel that I am not alone. It actually became one of my favorite songs ever since I first heard it years ago. And this is quite fascinating but I just found out that Corrine May also composed and originally sang one of my favorite songs back in high school, Journey. She's amazing. Her songs are amazing. The lyrics are beautiful. By the way, have you heard of her other songs like Beautiful Life and 24 Hours? Ang gaganda! All the thoughtful words that you've said to me helped me pick up the bits and pieces of myself and to put them back together again. You gave me words of encouragement, support and love when I needed them the most. I may not always be there for you physically but know that I am always here for you. I will always wish for your happiness no matter where I am. And I know that you are strong. Even if the world gets even tougher, Even if some people hurt us so bad, We know that there's still something/someone beautiful out there. Something really worth it. We are like a piece of art that is not yet finished. A work in progress as they say...as we say. (◠‿◠) I know this letter is kind of random and disorganized but let it be. (>.<) I have so much more to say but I'll just say it when we see each other again. Love, Kimilot ______________________ "'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold when it's cold outside and there's no place to go Everyone needs a friend to hold all alone I cried there was no place to go I remember when nobody cared but you"

[whateverkimmy]

hah, I’ve just got to write something today ‘coz hey hey hey,  it’s the first day of 2012. And since I wasn’t able to do my year-end post yesterday I have to do it now. (: But instead of listing things I wanted to do or achieve this year (yeah something like a bucket list or whatever) I opted to write again another Things I’m Thankful For list for the last year- 2011.

So here’s some of them: - Having Get-together with Friends: I’ve missed a lot of get-togethers before but I am so thankful I was able to catch up and meet up with friends for more than half of 2011.  They are my greatest support system and are truly my second family. Thank you all for rolling with me, my Big Os! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE - Being able to share my thoughts and self on Tumblr and on other SNS - Being able to practice my creative side - Being appreciative about so many things (may it be ‘little’ or ‘big’ things) - Having something/someone to believe in - Experiencing all the shits and being able to learn how to appreciate things and people a lot easier - Being inspired by friends and strangers - Having my family around (I miss Inang Nuna though…so so much!) - Being able to connect to the rest of the world through the internet - Being able to read and write - Sunrise and Sunset - Being able to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel - Having friends coming over to our house - Being able to watch and follow my favorite artists’ activities in real-time (Thank you Internet!) - Hearing birds chirping everyday - Gazing at the sky and seeing all the stars that bring smile on my face - Having a good conversations with friends: intelligent ones, foolish ones, funny ones…just whatever we feel like talking and we just don’t care (hahaha not that we don’t care at all, we’re just having fun, and just love being ourselves) - Being with nature - Visiting places in the Philippines I’ve never been before - Being lazy and doing nothing (hah this should not be a habit though) :D - Just being able to wake up every morning - Flowers - Being hopeful but not overly optimistic - Living in the moment while still being able to reflect on the past (learning from past mistakes) and somehow planning for the future - Learning to love and value myself more - Seeing people smile - Funny and inspiring videos - Good music - All the cute things that made me smile - Being more “alive” - Seeing myself smile and hearing myself laugh till my stomach hurts - Receiving unexpected gifts (I hope you are reading this right now. Thank you for the birthday song! as I’ve said, you are the first and still the only person who made me a personalized song…and you even sang it and recorded it for me like a real song- plus with the lyrics and guitar chord/notes…Salamat ng bonggang-bongga!) - Letters/ emails from my super friends - Wisdom and Life lessons that are helping me be a better person (to myself and to “others”) - Being able to remember memories (good or bad) - Being “weird” and not giving a shit about what other people think (I love honesty—-so yeah just be honest with me) - Discovering amazing and good movies and tv shows - Reading inspiring and funny blogs - Eating my favorite ramyeon! woohoo spicy noodles ftw! - Being more attached with my femininity (as my MP would always say) - Being able to help people - Being able to say Thank you and Sorry - Seeing people stop and stand up when hearing the Philippine National Anthem - Being able to say how much you appreciate someone or something - Being able to celebrate life, and continuing to learn how to embrace all of life’s shitness (even though I still don’t understand it sometimes) - Being able to talk to old friends again - Amazing photographs - Being able to sleep normally - Compliments I’ve received from friends (and to their brutally honest critiques for me) - Having the guts to cut my own hair - Good news around - A hug and a pat on the back from friends - Having the strength to carry on - Birthday greetings - Not losing the respect I have for people around me - Rainbows - Forgiveness (for others and for thyself) - Food. gotta love eating :D (hah, I hope to cook more this year!) - Kindness of people - Trees - People reading my blog - Coming across something that instantly inspires me :) Like seriously, thank you to the countless amazing people around the globe. Again thank you to the Internet! :) waaaaa so so much more to be thankful for last 2011. Thank you for all the little and big things that made me appreciate life much more! Thank you 2011 for the myriad of emotions! I should start the year right by having much achievable New Year’s resolutions like to get a new haircut (again!), lose weight (slowly but surely..hahaha), work my butt off and save money (for real), be a better person, be more more alive and be thankful everyday…that’s all enough for now. hahaha these are achievable, right?!? :D and oh, to really replace my fear of the unknown with great curiosity, and be bold and more courageous. and oh be in love? maybe :) lol so much to do :D

[whateverkimmy]

Reasons Why I Love Tumblr

***it’s been a while since I do some listing about something. This is just random for today. I’ve been thinking about the real reasons why I’ve gotten myself addicted to Tumblr for quite some time now. I just felt like writing today so I listed some of them. I might add some more next time :) ___________________ - It’s so easy to use. If you love blogging and you want to feel like a “Pro-Blogger”. This is the place to be. :) I’ve tried blogging on other blogging platforms but I’m not just as gifted as other bloggers about all the coding and stuff. So Tumblr is like a saving grace for me.

David Karp and company, Thank you!

- The fact that a very little number of my  facebook friends are on tumblr makes me happy. Years back, many people here in our country seem to be addicted on Friendster (including myself…It was something like you’re not "in" if you are not on Friendster) UNTIL Facebook came along, and I gradually found myself transferring to it and getting myself hooked into it too (oh, plus I was also on Multiply but it suddenly became a huge online shopping site, though you could still log in for your old account). Like what happened to me on Friendster, I kind of felt that it’s getting overcrowded on Facebook and people were also started transferring to it. At first, I was so hooked  that instead of doing my paper or eventually my work, I ended up Facebook-ing like there’s nothing more productive to do.   I deactivated it for more than twice I guess but I still can’t totally delete it since it’s also a good way to communicate with my close friends and relatives. (and I’ve uploaded hundreds of photos there and even organized it so I just can’t delete it just like that) While on Tumblr, you don’t need to feel pressure to have as many followers as you would want to have. If people want to follow you that’s great but if not, they can still read, like and even re-blog your post if they like it.  

- I love the “anonymity and privacy” that Tumblr provides me (though I’ve already exposed my (tumblr)self on Facebook few times and just recently when I’ve shared something I thought was really worth sharing with my nice Facebook friends). Anyways, surely not all people there would bother to look into it and let themselves be curious to it. LoL, unless you put something like "I just got pregnant" or "This girl is a Whore! I hate her!" sorta thing.    

- You can meet so many AMAZING people all around the world. People who have the same interest as you. People who are Creative and Fun. People who are just more comfortable being themselves. It’s so cool to see people on Tumblr and instantly have that feeling that you somehow already know what kind of person they really are in “reality,” and that you would want to be friends with them.

- I don’t have to see all the every-second status updates of all my friends on Facebook. Here, I’m  just getting updates from the people I’m following so I won’t get irritated by whatever updates. My bad!

It seems that all the love I had for FB just keep on disappearing…I don’t know…maybe because of the privacy thingy or all the dramas I’m seeing there (let alone "lame" dramas, "chismis" and all the fighting). Sure I can easily delete friends from my list but I think it’s just rude especially if you really know the person in "real" life. I just don’t want them to feel bad just because I deleted them on my list or if I don’t accepted their friend request (especially if he/she is part of the clan). Although Facebook had proven it’s power and influence few times already but those "stuff" just got on my nerves sometimes. I feel bad for saying that but seriously, do you really have to announce to the world stuff like, "I’m going to take a bath in a minute" or whatever blah blah etc. (whisper to myself: Ok Kimmy, it’s their account so mind your own!) :D   so I’ll just keep on RANTING here on Tumblr so I won’t irritate other people too…bwuhahaha!

- Cute stuff all around! 

- I love the updates that I’m getting about my favorite artists or shows.

- Tumblr makes me really HAPPY and feel INSPIRED. It can make me cry too but in a good way. 

- Tumblr is a Friend.

- I can be more “ME” on tumblr- need I say more?!? 

[whateverkimmy]

Fiesta Day!

And I invited no one…ang sama ko raw sabi ng nanay ko pero hindi ko lang talaga nakasanayan na mag-imbita ng mga kaibigan. hahaha I said jokingly, “E hindi rin naman nila ako ini-invite e kaya di ko rin sila iimbitahan!”….LOL, tampururot! pero sayang nga hindi ko na-txt mga friends ko e matagal ko na silang di nakikita.

Okay, maybe next year I’ll invite them…kekeke :D

[whateverkimmy]

I’m hearing the song Wherever You Are for quite some time now and never thought that Charice was the girl singing with the guy (Unique). nice song btw (like it more than Pyramid) :D and I just knew that another song on my playlist (for quite some time too), Long Distance, was actually a Bruno Mars cover. hahaha just a moment of “ah, cool! never really thought of it”

[whateverkimmy]

Just feel like tumblr-ing today.

I get bored quite easily. So to kill that boredom I find ways to “entertain” myself. and one of them is lurking around random websites. I kind of love reading…so whenever I go online, I often try to search for interesting and funny sites and discussions about things that really interest me. I say lurking because I don’t usually leave comments to every online forums or blogs that I’m visiting. Except for some discussions where I really find so meaningful to me, but sometimes I can’t help but also reply to some “stupid” comments.

For some, lurking could be a bad thing since they think it’s like spying online. which is so common for a lot of netizens. hahaha for sure there’s a lot of LURKERS around. They just don’t admit it. Lurking actually is amazing. I lurk on a lot of blogs that are available for reading and guess what, I am learning a lot of things from them. (you just have to know for yourself which are worth reading or not)

I lurk on different blogs and discussions because I want to see every possible opinions that I could learn about certain things/issues. And it’s quite entertaining to see how people interact with each other these days. You know, you can read the most smart comment that could possibly change your perspective on something or you could read the most stupid thing that you could possibly find on the net. You can jump from the most “serious” topic to the most “nonsense” discussion available. Random people, random opinions, random knowledge. 

But as a blogger myself, it’s always a great feeling to know that the people who are visiting your site appreciate the things that you’re sharing with them. So if I really find the blog or discussion amazing, I leave a comment (it’s usually a Thank You comment»> hahaha right now, those probably are sites that provide me with info about Bigbang) since they really are so inspiring for me now (and before) :D

[whateverkimmy]

RANT.

Okay, let me just say…you, Alexandra Wallace (self-identified UCLA student)..you are one IGNORANT PERSON. you clearly don’t know anything about Asian people and cultures. Seriously, I feel sorry for you.and even if you said Sorry…I think it does not matter anymore. you’ve already announced it to the world. and you are funny too since you are studying in LA (like it is THE home for A LOT of Asians).

Posting your Rant video like that on Youtube was a suicide mission. so, GOOD LUCK to you.