Grief.
Journal, I don’t write in you often enough. Now I’ve picked you up again, I’ve so much to say that some will need to be covered in future entries. Red’s death was a trial for me, I’ve never felt loss so absolute. Even Lily’s absence hasn’t cut as deep as knowing that there is no way that Red can possibly come back and be as he was. He is gone. Forever. Once again it frightens me how deep those bonds can go and how painful it is when they’re severed. Red was dear to me, he became a very close friend in a very short time. He became a confidant in ways I never expected, and his support helped me through Keiranon’s disappearance and return, Lily’s disappearance, and all of the other bullshit that’s been happening.
I didn’t expect the ending of the siege to hurt the way it did. Maybe it was the closeness of that and Red’s death, or maybe endings are just something I don’t handle well. Probably both. That the rush of my hunt died with Red and the girl didn’t help, all of those sudden breaks in what I had thrown myself into left me struggling once again for some sort of purpose.
Not being allowed to Red’s funeral hurt. And Ixoris Sebelle sending a letter requesting my resignation for a bunch of bullshit reasons (read: you’re sylvari and I don’t trust you) only compounded the pain. I need to do something about that—I can’t, and I won’t, stand idly by while other races attribute Scarlet’s evil to us as a whole. I’m still working on that proposal. Every time I go to write it, all I get is “We go out and help people!” yay yay happy faces. I think that’s the only way forward though—engage with the wider world and help solve their problems where we can. Forerunner Zainerys agrees, I just need to put all of these thoughts into some sort of cohesive and workable plan.
I’ll get there. After some amount of fucking about, I always get there.