#jalapedo

[jalapenyata]

I just corrected my mom in cleaning I've just out-momed my mom. Does... does this mean I'm the new mom?

[jalapenyata]

So when I was younger, I took jazz dance lessons with this woman named Sri, and whenever we danced to Robie Williams's "Love Supreme" I thought the chorus said "that love Sri" and I was like, damn, that's really cool that she got him to put her in a song

[jalapenyata]

Me: perksofbeinghellaswaggie, any hyphens?

Perksofbeinghellaswaggie: No, I'm not a little bitch

[jalapenyata]

My mom was trying to find the phone app on my smartphone and she said, "Where's the ringy stuff?"

[jalapenyata]

Some things you confess to your family ten years after they happen. Some things you tell strangers on the Internet as you're sobbing through your troubles.

[jalapenyata]

Why does Christmas feel different this year? OH, right, it's because I'm a Muslim who doesn't celebrate it

[jalapenyata]

For real, was anyone subject tithe cruel and unusual torture that was The Tootie-Ta in elementary school?

[jalapenyata]

Let's be real here, there is nothing more stressful than a guest using your bathroom