She wasn’t mad at him. She was just mad at the situation. How it all came out. It just didn’t seem fair somehow. Why wouldn’t he tell her first? Why would he let her find out like that? It’s not like they talk everyday of their lives, but he owed her at least that much, didn’t he? A little heads up instead of getting her first glimpse of the ring and the happy couple on Instagram?
Actually, she was mad at him. She was pissed as hell at him. He should have told her. He should have told her before it happened. Just a text would have been enough. An “FYI I’m gonna do it soon.” That would have been good. Better than nothing. He should have told her. But she wasn’t about to tell him that.
She called him. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey, you.” She could hear the amusement in his voice even in this simple greeting and it pissed her off even more. But again, she wasn’t about to tell him that.
“How are you?” she asked him.
“Oh, you know me. Same old, same old.”
“Yeah? Nothing new or exciting lately?”
“I made a sandwich for lunch. I put mustard on it. I don’t usually put mustard on my sandwiches. That was pretty new and exciting.”
“I will kill you.”
He laughed loudly. “Well, you already know. Why are you quizzing me?”
“Because the least you could do is actually tell me. You know, I would appreciate being up to date on your life.” She kept her voice light. Unaffected. Like she didn’t really care that much. She wasn’t entirely sure why she did to begin with.
“Alright. Let’s start over.” He cleared his throat dramatically. “Hey, Sharna! Guess what?!”
“What, James?!” she said eagerly, playing along.
“I finally asked her!”
“OMG! How crazy! I never would have known! And?!”
“And she said yes!”
Sharna smiled. She was happy for him. She really was.
“Hey. Congratulations.” Her tone was genuine now. “That’s amazing. I mean it.”
“Thanks.” She could hear something else. Like there was something more he wanted to say, but he was holding back.
“And you’re happy?” she asked curiously.
“Of course. Absolutely. Very happy.”
She was impatient with him. “But…?”
“But nothing. Why do you think there’s a but?”
“I can hear it.”
“You can hear my but?”
“James, come on.”
He sighed. “There’s nothing. I’m happy. She’s happy. And that’s all there is to it.”
“And I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Look.” he sighed again. “What do you think? I mean, do you think it was a good idea?”
“A good idea?”
“You know what I mean. Like it was good and right, right?”
“Isn’t a little too late for this conversation?” she asked. She was having a hard time feeling any sympathy for him. “If you had asked me a week ago instead of waiting for me to find out on Instagram like everybody else, maybe I would have some valuable insight. But it doesn’t really matter now, does it?”
“So, you’re mad.” It wasn’t a question.
“I’m not mad,” she said stubbornly.
“You are mad. Why? Because I didn’t tell you?”
“I don’t care. You didn’t have to tell me. It’s your own business.”
“Bull. Sharna. It’s me. Tell me.”
His tone was shockingly gentle and she wanted to cry.
“I just would have expected you to tell me first.” Her voice was small and she hated it, but he was right. It was James. She could tell him. “It hurt my feelings that you didn’t even mention it. You’re such an important part of my life and I just hope I’m an important part of yours because -.”
“God, Sharna, of course you are. I didn’t not tell you because you’re not important or because I don’t care about you.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
“What?”
“You said that’s not why you didn’t tell me,” she pointed out. She felt more calm now, or at least less upset. Now she wanted answers from him. “So, why didn’t you tell me? There’s a reason.”
“There really isn’t.”
“I know you’re lying to me. Tell me.”
He sighed yet again. A deep and heavy sigh. It made her nervous. “Honesty?” he asked.
“Obviously.”
“Okay. Honestly, I was scared to tell you. And I put it off and then it was too late and it was all out anyways.”
“Why were you scared to tell me?”
“Well, I thought maybe you would try to talk me out of it.”
“James. Why would I ever do that? I love both of you. I know you love each other. You make each other happy. What could be wrong? Why would I have any reason to be against this?”
“I don’t know. And I might be wrong. I probably am. It’s just what I thought. That you might not think it was a good idea. And I knew that if you had any doubts, I never would have done it.”
Sharna was shocked by this. A tiny part of her felt some sense of satisfaction knowing that he valued her opinion so highly. She tried to ignore it. “Look, babe. I don’t know why my opinion is really that important. And I never would have tried to talk you out of it. Ever. I’m sorry you thought that.”
“No, no. It’s my problem. Not yours. Don’t be sorry, okay? Promise me.”
She smiled. “Okay. I promise.” She wasn’t sure what to say next. There were things, just below the surface, that she wanted to say. Or maybe things she needed to say. She kept them to herself. “So, I’ll at least get an invite, right?”
“I’ll see if I can swing it. Maybe I can get you a nearby hotel room and you can watch from your balcony with binoculars.”
“You suck.”
“Don’t I though? An invite. Yes. I promise. And I won’t put it on Instagram.”
“That’s all I ask.” She smiled. This was better. Her James was back.
And that’s when it all fell into place.
“I should probably go,” she said. “But next time there’s some great life event, at least a heads up, yeah?”
“Of course. And that goes both ways.”
She laughed lightly. “Yeah, James. Whatever you say.”
She set her phone down and suddenly the space around her felt very quiet and empty. As if he had been sitting right next to her and just left. But he wasn’t there. He hadn’t been for a long time. And now she felt it. Like he was slipping further away from her.
He was so important to her. He was such a bright spot of joy in her life and he could always make her smile, but it was more than that. Like something in her changed since she met him. It felt like decades ago now. She was a different person with him in her life. She didn’t know if it was the story, the ‘I basically died just months ago and now here I am dancing’ thing.
But she didn’t think that was it. Not really. It was him. It was the way he always made her feel. Like life was going to be okay. Everything would work out. As long as he was around.
And now she felt him slipping away. Her James. He wasn’t hers anymore. Not that he ever really was. But she knew there was a part of her, a part she tried to ignore because it made her feel awful, that believed he would be hers as long as this never happened. The longer he waited to ask, the more she felt he wouldn’t. It wasn’t because she wanted to be with him. At least not entirely. She wasn’t stupid enough to pretend there wasn’t maybe some soulmate connection there. But now he was falling further and further away. It scared her.
Idea straight up stolen from @dreamallthethings so don’t blame me!
She wanted it. God, did she want it. It wasn’t about having a trophy to put on a shelf. She didn’t care about the tangible reward. That wasn’t what mattered. She just wanted the vindication. The proof that it had all been worth it. That the countless hours, day, months, and even years, were actually leading up to something. To know that she deserved it. To prove it.
Sure, she didn’t need that. Not really. She had the memories and the experiences and the relationships that all proved every moment had indeed been worth it. She didn’t need confetti raining down on her to remind her of all that.
But still.
She wanted it.
And it scared her now to think about it, but she couldn’t help it. Maybe. Maybe this time.
It wasn’t the first time this had crossed her mind. It happened before. A few times. But it had been a while now. She hadn’t gone into it thinking Maybe this time for quite some time.
It felt good to feel that confidence and drive and desire, but it also scared the hell out of her. It wasn’t about the expectations or the fear of failing. It wasn’t about letting herself or anyone else down.
It was about last time.
The last time she thought about it. This time. Maybe this time. Maybe this is it.
And then it didn’t happen. And she blamed herself. Even though she knew it wasn’t her fault. Even though she knew there was nothing more she could have done. Even though she knew it didn’t matter. The trophy wasn’t what she would have won that time. Not really. But she still blamed herself.
And the last time she thought it, thought Maybe this time… It was the best time. She wouldn’t say this to very many people. In fact, she could count on one hand the number of people she would say those words to. But the last time she thought it was also the best time she thought it. It was true.
One of her first thoughts after it didn’t happen was, If not now, when?
That was what she feared. If this wasn’t enough, will anything really ever be enough? She gave her everything and still fell short? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it just wasn’t going to happen for her. And she told herself that was okay. Because it was. It wasn’t all about a trophy or a prize or a title or even the recognition. Not really. It was about so much more than that.
But that last time she let herself think Maybe this time was everything she could have ever wanted. So, then she thought, If not now, when? And now, after too much time to reflect, it felt almost meant to be. And there was a sense of acceptance. Like she had reached that stage now.
It wasn’t If not now, when? Not anymore. It had become, If not then, never.
She had made the mistake of believing this had been her victory lap, pun intended of course. And there was a small part of her, maybe that same part that said that time was the best time, that didn’t want any better. Not if it wasn’t with him. It wouldn’t be the same.
“If I couldn’t win with you, I don’t want to win with anybody else.”
That’s what she would never tell him. Or anyone.
So now, though she’s thinking Maybe this time again for the first time since then, she can’t help thinking about him and them and the should have beens and could have beens.
She didn’t want to feel that way. She didn’t want to live in the past and forget about the present.
I didn’t really have a plan for this. I just started writing and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna stop.
------------
“You are absolutely ridiculous. I hope you know that.”
“Oh, you love me. Don’t deny it.”
She laughed. She felt almost lightheaded with happiness. She loved hearing his voice because it definitely didn’t happen enough these days.
“I never said I didn’t. But you can’t deny that you’re ridiculous.”
“I’m adorable is what I am. Get it right.”
She laughed again and it all felt easy. Like it used to so long ago.
“You keep telling yourself that. So, you really want to come?”
“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well,” she said slowly, “you did say you were coming the last like eighteen times we went on tour, so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little skeptical.”
“I promise. I’ll be there this time. I want to. Really.”
She heard the sincerity in his voice and it made her heart beat faster. She forgot what it felt like to have him on her side. Not that she didn’t always, but it had been a while since she felt so close to him.
“I’m holding you to that. And to getting on stage and dancing with me. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you come to the show without getting on stage.”
“Hello, my name is James. I think you’re forgetting I don’t dance.”
“With me you do.” She felt a little brave saying that and she liked it.
“I guess that’s true.”
“It is. I’ve got a deal for you. You’re dancing with me whether you like it or not, but I’ll let you pick which one. Fair?”
“Hmm. Okay. Do you happen to recall which dance was our shortest?”
“You’re the worst.”
“I am the best, aren’t I?” he said, holding back a laugh.
“I’ve missed you.” She said it out of nowhere. It just fell out of her and she couldn’t stop it. She didn’t want to stop it.
“Yeah. Me, too.” There was a sadness in his voice that came on just as suddenly. “But we just saw each other a few weeks ago. Before you left for the tour.”
“I know.” She was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall. She shifted her weight, trying to get more comfortable. “Do you feel like that kind of made it worse though? That’s how I’ve been feeling. Like it would have been easier if we hadn’t even seen each other and just gone on with how things have been. It was just for such a short time and so quick and…”
She let her voice trail off. Because she promised herself. And she promised him, though only in her head. She didn’t fool herself into thinking that he didn’t know though. He always knew.
“And it just wasn’t enough… time,” he finished for her.
“Yeah. Not enough time.”
A slightly uncomfortable silence fell between them and she didn’t want to be the one to break it. Sometimes she felt a little bit like she had to work too hard. It was his turn.
“So, how have the shows been so far?” he asked a little awkwardly. She could tell he was trying to change the subject, though she wasn’t sure if it was for her benefit or his own.
“They’ve been great, actually. Not that they aren’t always. But sometimes I think that maybe I’ll get tired of it, like maybe I’ll need a break. But I haven’t hit that wall yet.”
“No pun intended, right?”
She smiled. He could never fail to make her smile.
“Of course. Didn’t mean to steal your spotlight.”
“My claim to fame as we like to call it.”
She knew that we did not refer to the two of them because she had never said that herself. This felt like an appropriate transition.
“Right. How are things with you? Nothing new or exciting since last time?”
“Oh, you know me. I’m pretty uneventful.”
“Right,” she said again. And then, yet again, she spoke without thinking. “No ring?”
She swore she could hear his heart skip. She usually didn’t say anything. She normally didn’t even bring it up. But she was feeling oddly reckless today, though she didn’t know why.
“No. No ring. Not yet. We’ve been buried under a lot of snow though. Felt like we got about -.”
“That was the absolute worst change of subject I’ve ever heard,” she said, rolling her eyes as she cut him off. “You can’t be serious.”
“What? What do you mean?” He tried and failed to sound confused.
“Am I not allowed to ask? Is there a rule book I don’t know about?”
“Of course you can ask,” he told her quickly. She felt a little proud of herself for catching him off guard. “Of course you can. But you know I would have told you. And you usually don’t ask, so…”
“Well, I did this time.”
“Yes, you did.”
She didn’t respond. She waited for him again.
“What’s with the sassy attitude today, anyways?” he asked her.
“You did not just ‘sassy attitude’ me.” She smiled though, because saying such a thing to her was so inexplicably James.
“Actually, I think I just did. You put your sassy pants on this morning or what?”
“Maybe so. But if you use the word ‘sassy’ one more time…”
He laughed at this. “Fair enough. New subject.”
“I actually wasn’t done with the old subject. And since I’ve got my you-know-what pants on” - he laughed again - “I want to talk about this.”
“Fine,” he said with a dramatic sigh. “Go on. Do your worst.”
Now that she had brought it up, however, she didn’t really want to talk about it. She lost her nerve a bit and decided she really didn’t want to know. As much as he was a part of her life, that part of his was just so much removed from their own relationship. Sometimes she thought she had gotten over it. And she had for the most part. But sometimes, like when he would call her out of the blue or send her an encouraging text before a show or make her laugh like he used to, she realized had never did get over it. Not even a little bit.
“Never mind,” she said, her voice low.
“Seriously? All that and now you’ve changed your mind?”
“Yes,” she said stubbornly. “What are you going to do about it?”
He was quiet for a moment. “You know what? Not a damn thing.”
“Good answer.”
She smiled again, but it quickly faded as she felt the weight of their conversation. This was how it seemed to go lately. She somehow seemed to be in the habit of saying the wrong thing to him. She didn’t remember it being like this before. But there used to be so many other things to talk about. It was like they were running out of conversation topics and saying something stupid was just her default now. She never did regret saying it though. She wanted to hear him talk about it. She wanted to hear what he had to say. But she wasn’t ready. Not yet. Maybe she never would be.
“I should go. We’ll be getting ready to warm up soon.”
“Of course. Kick ass tonight, okay? Though you always do.”
“I try. And I’ll be responding to your cute little post in a bit. You’re not the only witty one in this partnership.”
“I’ll be looking forward to it. You think I got a shot at those tickets?”
She could hear a happiness in his voice again and it felt good. Back to normal.
“I mean, obviously I have a lot of entries to sort through, but I’d put you in the running for sure.”
“I’ll keep my fingers crossed then.”
“And your toes.”
“Can’t. Those are frozen. I mentioned the snow, didn’t I?”
“You did.” She heard voices calling down the hall. “Time to go. Talk later?”
“Sure thing. Tell the gang I said hi. And I’ll be anxiously waiting your reply, by the way. Those tickets are mine.”
She shook her head, always amazed that he never failed to brighten her day. “Thanks, James.”
She felt an indescribable joy having him there with her, being able to see him and talk to him and reach out and touch him and feel that he was real. But his entire demeanor changed so suddenly and she saw him deflate before her.
“What’s wrong?” she said quickly, reaching out and resting her hand on his knee. “What happened?”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t a big deal. Just a little argument.”
“I know you’re lying,” she told him, though she kept her voice calm and comforting. “I know you. Tell me the truth. What happened?”
“It’s really not that important. We don’t even have to -.”
“No. That’s not how this works. I don’t sob hysterically in your arms and then make you keep all your own problems to yourself. I’m here for you as much as you are for me.”
She stared determinedly into his eyes until he finally gave in and sighed.
“It was… not pretty,” he explained. “She’s mad at me. Really mad.”
“Because you came here?” It was just a guess, but probably a correct one.
“Yeah. Because I came here. Because I’m with you. All of it, really.”
“But James. She knows -.”
“Of course she does,” he said impatiently. “But it doesn’t matter.” He shook his head. “When I get back… I don’t know. I think maybe…”
He didn’t say it. He didn’t have to say it. “Wow,” she whispered. “Are you… sure?”
“No. I’m not sure of anything right now. Except that I’m glad I’m here,” he added softly. “I’m sure of that.”
She gave him a small smile. “I am, too. You should have stayed though. If it was going to cause such a mess, you should have stayed.”
“Maybe. She did tell me not to come, but I wanted -.”
“Wait, what?” This surprised her. She knew there was a tension there, but this seemed to be a more extreme reaction than usual. “She told you not to come?”
He nodded. “She told me to stay.”
“Then what the hell are you doing here, dumbass?”
“What?” He blinked and seemed taken aback by this.
“Why didn’t you stay? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“But you wanted me to come,” he said confusedly. “And I wanted to come, too.”
“You’re an idiot,” she told him, though she had to fight the urge to smile. “Seriously. I mean, I love you for being here, but you’re an idiot. You don’t just go running when someone else calls you! Is this your first time in a relationship?!”
“Not even if it’s for you?” he said, his voice unexpectedly soft and gentle.
It felt as though she had been waiting for him to say this, but hadn’t realized it until this moment. But it wasn’t what he said that made her hands shake and her heart race and her mind spin. It was how he said it. And it was the softness in his eyes. And it was the way he leaned in toward her, filling the space between them.
“Why did you do it, James?” she said before she could stop herself.
“Do what?”
“Come here. Why? Why did you do it?”
“Because you had a few days off and so did I.”
“No.” She was determined now. It was building inside her. This desire to hear the truth from him. The truth she had been waiting so long to hear. “Why did you come here?”
“Because you wanted me to.”
“No. Why did you -.”
She nearly lost her balance when he fell into her, crashing his lips to hers. And she didn’t even consider hesitating. She reached for any part of him she could find, any way she could bring him closer to her. His hands gripped her so tightly she was sure he would leave bruises. She didn’t care. In the morning, it would remind her this wasn’t a dream.
She gasped when he pulled away from her and she looked up to see his eyes wide. He looked the way she felt: shocked and amazed and confused and overwhelmed. And many other things all at once. But she didn’t dwell on it. She pressed her lips to his again and leaned into him. Up on her knees, she had enough leverage to land him on his back. When he fell onto the couch, they broke apart again for only a second. And this should have been a reality check. She should have stopped it. But she didn’t. She couldn’t.
He reached for her this time. His hands wrapped around her hips and he pulled her down to him, his body now draped across the length of the couch and supporting her weight.
It was when she felt his lips leave her own and start trailing across her skin like a whisper.
“Bedroom,” she managed to say, every part of her humming with need and desire.
“Yeah,” he breathed against her skin. “Now. Please.”
She moved with him as he sat up and she found herself in his lap. As he stood up, she wrapped her legs around him. His hands and his lips never left her as he walked blindly in the direction of the hall. They bumped into the wall, her back hitting a corner, but she barely noticed. His breath on her skin was a sufficient distraction. And when she fell onto the bed and looked up at him, she thought for just a moment that it was over. That they would both come to their senses and stop this, whatever it was, no matter how much they wanted it. But she was wrong.
Bright sun was streaming through the window as he slowly blinked himself awake. He was disoriented. The bed was too big and comfortable and the air in the room was unusually sweet. And suddenly the whole night came back to him.
The way he kissed her when he couldn’t hold it in any longer. The way she wrapped herself around him like she was afraid he would disappear. The way he took her down the hall to her bedroom. And the way he made the best mistake he had ever made.
“Hey, you,” came a soft voice.
He turned and saw her sitting in her favorite new chair, her legs folded and her knees tucked under her chin. She gave him what he could only describe as a slightly guilty smile, but he found something incredibly beautiful about it all the same.
“You hiding from me over there, or…?”
“Not exactly,” she told him. “Just… watching you.”
“Watching me sleep? That’s a little crazy, no?”
“Yeah,” she said with a soft laugh. “Because that is the craziest thing that’s happened in here.”
“Right,” he said slowly. He sat up so he could face her more directly and decided it was best to just say it. “So, should we get some breakfast first or just jump right into this?”
“You pick,” she said after a short pause.
He looked into her eyes, now so full of fear and doubt. He wanted to take her in his arms again and hold her and comfort her, but he stayed put. Maybe that wasn’t what she had wanted after all. Maybe she was sorry it happened. But he wasn’t, and he had to let her know.
“I don’t regret it,” he said softly. “It - It probably shouldn’t have happened. I know that. I’m not exactly proud of it. But I - I don’t regret it. I wanted it. This. You,” he added, his voice even softer now. “And I feel… happy, I think. Knowing that you woke up next to me. No. I mean, I know I definitely do feel happy about that, but I don’t know if I should. No,” he said again. He shook his head, trying to organize his thoughts. “I definitely shouldn’t feel happy about that, but… I do. That’s… bad, right?”
Her eyes were soft now. “Come over here,” she whispered, holding out her hand.
“Yeah?” he questioned, but he got to his feet all the same and crossed the room to her. “In your favorite chair?”
“Just sit with me.” She turned sideways to make room for him and he sat down. She draped her legs across him and his fingertips moved immediately to her skin, trailing a gentle path.
She leaned in and kissed him without another word. It wasn’t like last night. Last night was passionate and desperate and a release of tension. This was slow and leisurely. This was early morning kisses in her favorite chair. And he knew he could do this every morning for the rest of his life if she let him.
He said it when she pulled away from him to look into his eyes.
“God, I love you so much,” he breathed.
“I love you, too,” she said at once. “So much more than you even know.”
He kissed her again and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him. His lips touched every inch of her skin they could find and her fingers dug into his back before she finally stopped him.
“Wait,” she said breathlessly. “Wait. We have to… I have to ask you this.”
He took a deep breath to slow his heartbeat. “I assume your question isn’t ‘French toast or pancakes?’”
“No, it isn’t. James, what now?”
“What now?” he repeated, threading a strand of her hair through his fingers. “Now?”
He kissed her again and she smiled against his lips.
“That was a pretty good answer,” she told him quietly. “But you know that’s not what I meant.”
“No,” he admitted. “I guess it’s not. But honestly, I don’t know what now. Beyond kissing you again and figuring out what’s for breakfast, I have no idea what comes next.”
“You know I’m not the one that can figure it out for you, right? Or for us? I don’t regret this either. Not even a little bit. But you need to get your own life figured out now.”
“Tell me what you want,” he whispered, his fingers in her hair again.
“It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“It does to me,” he said even more softly. “Tell me what you want.”
“I want… I want you to stay. Stay here with me. That’s what I want. But you -.”
He shook his head, cutting her off. “I nothing. Right now, there’s nothing but you and me. Can we… Can we do that? Can we be just… like this for just five days? That’s all I’m asking right now. You and me and no one else. Five days. And then, after that, we can figure it out. But right now I just… I just want you.”
She shook her head and his name came out like a breath. “James. I - I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Neither do I. In fact, I think it’s probably a really bad idea. But you know what’s even worse?” He curled a strand of hair gently around his finger before tucking it behind her ear. “Not doing this. Not being with you. Never kissing you again. Never holding you in my arms when that’s all I’ve wanted for so damn long. That. That would be a bad idea.”
She closed her eyes and he waited nervously. Maybe it had all been a mistake, saying what he said. He shouldn’t have pushed her. He shouldn’t have even suggested such a ridiculously foolish thing.
She opened her eyes again and he swore his heart stopped.
“You and me?” she whispered. There was something like hope in her voice.
“You and me,” he repeated. “Together. Being everything we want to be. A complete and total break from the real world for like five whole days. And then maybe after…”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to think about after. I only want to think about right now. And about you. And how much I’ve wanted this for so long. I want to just think about you.”
He kissed her and it was like her entire body melted against him. They fit together. It felt good and right and that scared him. Because he knew he shouldn’t feel good. But he did. He tried to push every bad thing out of his mind and just focus on the feel of her skin under his fingers.
“As much as I want to,” she breathed against his lips, putting her hand on his as it traveled lower, “my chair is far too young for this.”
He laughed loudly and kissed her again. “Breakfast then?”
It took a couple weeks for things to feel normal again. By the time he got back home, she had mellowed a bit and was less angry with him. And he seemed to be trying his best to make time for her as well. Everything felt good and right again.
But she knew it wasn’t. Not really. Sure, he was home. He was sitting next to her on the couch. He was holding her hand at the grocery store. He was smiling across the table at her during dinner. But he wasn’t really there. Not all of him. Because his heart was somewhere else. He was putting on a good show of being there for her. But it wasn’t what she wanted, it wasn’t what she needed, and it wasn’t enough.
She knew he was a good guy, an incredible man, and she was lucky to have him. But she didn’t really have him the way she wanted to because half of him was with her instead. And she couldn’t really blame him. She got it. She really did.
But she was tired. Tired of all of it. Of waiting for him to come back, of wanting him to go back to the way he was before. And she was tired of begging him to stay.
She couldn’t do it anymore. So she decided that she wouldn’t.
Another two weeks passed by before he told her he was going again. She could see him making an effort. He told her he was sorry, that he would only be gone two days this time, and that if she really wanted him to, he would stay.
“I do want you to stay,” she whispered. This was the right time. She could feel it deep inside her.
“Okay,” he said quietly. “Okay. Then I’ll stay.”
“Not here.”
“What?”
“Not here,” she repeated, the words causing her pain, but her voice steady. “I don’t want you to stay here. Stay there. With her. I’m tired, James. Who are we kidding? We can’t do this anymore. You love her. If you go to her this time, please just stay. Stay with her. It’s what you really want. And I’m done sharing you.”
“You’re not -.”
“I’m sharing you. And it’s not fair. Someone deserves everything you have to offer and I’m starting to realize it’s not me anymore.”
He stared at her looking slightly dumbfounded. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”
She shrugged almost nonchalantly. “I tried. I wanted this to be enough for me. But it’s not. Not anymore.”
He didn’t seem to have any words to reply to this. It seemed almost as if he didn’t believe her. Like maybe this was some sort of sick joke. But it seemed to slowly dawn on him that this was reality and there was a desperation in his eyes when he spoke again.
“I’m so sorry,” he said again. Softer this time. “I wish…” He looked down at his hands instead of in her eyes. “I wish I could say you were wrong, but… I’m sorry.” He looked up at her again. “You deserve better than me. I’m not what you need. But I did love you, you know. I do. It’s just…”
“I know,” she said quietly. “It’s just not the same. We aren’t the same as we used to be and she -.”
He shook his head, cutting her off. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”
She knew he was trying to be helpful and sympathetic, but that wasn’t what she needed from him. Not anymore. “I’m not. I’m not explaining myself. I’m just saying how it is. I’ve given as much to you as I can. As much of myself as I possibly could. But she still… she got something different from you somehow. And there’s just no point pretending anymore. There’s no point in me sitting here begging you to stay. So… don’t.”
------------------
And that was it. It was over. It felt almost simple. Oddly anticlimactic. Inevitable.
He called to tell her he was about to get on the plane. Then he called to tell her he landed and would be there soon. And when he got to her door, he didn’t follow her when she finally pulled away from him and stepped aside so he could come in. First, he had to be sure.
“I have to ask you something.”
She gave him a curious smile. “You can’t come in and sit down first? I mean, at least take your shoes off and get comfortable.” He shook his head and her smile fell. “What’s wrong?”
“A lot of things,” he said quietly. “But not this. I just need to know something, okay?”
“You’re scaring me,” she said breathlessly.
“If I come in right now,” he said, reaching out and taking her hands in his own, “can I… stay?”
“You know, I really like him,” Jenna said to Sharna in a low voice.
“Me, too.” They both looked across the room at James, laughing with a few others. “I know it’s cliche, but I feel like I’ve known him my whole life even though it’s only been like three weeks.”
“Is he ready for tomorrow?”
“Ready,” Sharna said with a nod. “Nervous and excited, but ready.”
James looked up and saw Jenna and Sharna watching him. “Don’t worry,” he said in a stage whisper. “Just psyching out the competition.” He gave them an overdramatic wink and turned back to the group, all laughing again.
“He’s so funny. Do you guys get anything productive done at all?”
“Amazingly, we do. But it’s just… fun. Some seasons are… work, you know. And that sounds bad, but it’s true. Some seasons are more like work than fun. But I can tell this won’t be one of those. We just have the best time together. And he works so hard. He really wants to learn. It’s incredible.”
Jenna saw the soft smile on Sharna’s face as she watched James across the room and couldn’t resist. “Pretty cute, too, no?”
Sharna turned to Jenna, a curious look on her face. “I’d set you up, but he’s taken,” she said with what sounded like a forced laugh.
“Wait. He is?”
Sharna nodded, turning back to look at him again. “I don’t know all the details, but I guess it was a reconnected after many years kind of thing.”
“Oh.” There was disappointment in Jenna’s voice.
“You weren’t really interested, were you?” Sharna said softly.
“No. Not for me. I was thinking about you.”
Sharna rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. He’s so not my type.”
“Cute, funny, charming, passionate, hard-working,” Jenna said, ticking each one off on her fingers. “Yeah. I see what you mean.”
Sharna laughed. “Okay. Fine. He could be my type. But he has a girlfriend. A very nice and very pretty girlfriend. So I’m just… not. I’m not letting myself go there.”
“Sure you’re not,” Jenna said sarcastically. “You’re definitely not thinking about you being his very nice and very pretty girlfriend.”
“Shh,” Sharna said, glancing around them. “If I tell you that I am thinking about it, will that shut you up?”
“Of course it won’t,” Jenna said with a grin. “But I do appreciate your honesty.”
“Well, I’m trying to not think about it. Please don’t make it any harder than it already is.”
Jenna gave her a sympathetic smile now and they both turned their attention back to James. There was a wide smile on his face as he chatted with others. He looked at ease, like he belonged there in their world. Jenna glanced again at Sharna and shook her head, sighing softly. But Sharna didn’t notice. She only had eyes for her partner.
Over the next three days, they never even stepped out the front door except to walk the dogs a few times. They spent every other moment as physically close to each other as it was possible to be, wrapped so tightly together she was surprised they were even able to distinguish their limbs. They talked and laughed and kissed and reminisced and kissed some more. And there was plenty of sex, too. Three days of total happiness and bliss. Just the two of them in their own world. Nothing else existed. No people or problems or responsibilities. She imagined on more than one occasion what it would actually be like to be with him. If this was it, she could definitely handle of lifetime of this.
But always present in the back of her mind was the guilt. Knowing that what they were doing was wrong. It didn’t feel wrong. It felt very right. But she knew it wasn’t. And she did her best to ignore those guilty feelings, but it wasn’t easy.
Of course, then he would smile at her and it would all go away again. He was there. He was her James. She fell asleep wrapped in his arms and woke up each morning next to him. She felt like she was living in a dream. Which, she reminded herself, was basically what it was. It was dream and it would be over far too quickly. Soon she would have to wake up.
“I have to go into work today,” she told him Saturday morning, both of them still in bed and her head on his chest. “Want to come?”
“Yeah.” He traced patterns on her back. “If you think it’s okay.”
“For you to be there?”
“For us to be there,” he clarified.
“Of course it is,” she said with a confidence she didn’t entirely feel. “We’re not… They don’t have to know anything.”
“I don’t want to be a distraction,” he said. She knew he meant it in an innocent way, but it still made her laugh.
“I can handle it,” she promised him. “I can stay focused. After all, I did it for three months with this one partner I had.”
“Yeah?” She heard the smile in his voice. “He was a bit distracting, huh?”
She played along. “More than a bit. Very distracting. Because I kind of just wanted to kiss him all the time and I had to be professional.”
“Sounds rough.” His fingers dipped lower on her back and she let her hand roam around on his skin, fingers slipping over muscles. “Suggestion.”
“Hmm?”
“I come with you today and then maybe we find a little time to sneak away and, you know, not be professional.”
She shivered. “Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”
“I absolutely am. After all, unless you want to christen the chair, we’ve pretty much taken care of this whole place.”
She giggled. “We have, haven’t we?” She pushed her hands against his chest to sit up. “You’re going to get me in trouble. I hope you know that.”
He grinned up at her. “I’m looking forward to it.”
She shook her head, but couldn’t hide her smile. It fell quickly though. “Listen,” she said softly, nervously avoiding his eyes.
He sat up. “Hey,” he whispered, reaching out to her. “I was kidding, you know. Just a joke.”
“No. I know that. But it’s just… James, I don’t want everyone else to know, okay? I’m not… I’m not ashamed of this. I don’t regret it. But…”
“I understand,” he said gently, and she believed him. “I just happened to be in the area today and I had to get dragged to work with you. Good?”
She nodded. “Thanks.”
“Of course. Now, you go take a shower and breakfast will be ready when you get out.”
“Good service,” she said, her smile returning.
------------
No one seemed to find it unusual that he just showed up with her that day. He just said that he happened to be around for the day and thought he would come by to say hi. And everyone seemed to accept that. Or did a good job of pretending.
They played their part well. He watched from the corner as everyone worked, making plans for the next live show. She could feel his eyes on her and she was, though she wouldn’t admit it to him, much more distracted than she would have liked. She made several mistakes and got at least a few curious looks from the others throughout the morning. When she tripped out of a spin and fell on the floor, he laughed, making her blush. Everyone definitely noticed this.
It was Alan who finally said something to her.
“Anything you want to share with the class?” he whispered in her ear. Music rang loudly through the room and everyone else was distracted talking to James as they took a break. “Because if I didn’t know any better…”
“Nope,” she said quickly. “Nothing to share. You have no idea what you’re talking about. He has a girlfriend. We’re just friends.”
“I know that,” Alan whispered, glancing over at everyone else. “But does he? Because I’ve noticed how he’s been looking at you for the past two hours. And that’s not how a man with a girlfriend looks at another girl.”
“You… No. There’s… nothing.”
“Sharna,” he whispered almost desperately. “What are you doing?”
“Drop it. I don’t need you to tell me it’s wrong. I already know it is.”
“So, what? Are you… together?”
“For the next 27 hours and 19 minutes, yes.”
“I don’t… I don’t understand.”
She looked back to make sure no one else was paying them any attention. “Look. I don’t even understand it myself, okay? But I’m happy. And I wanted this. I needed this. I know it’s awful and wrong and whatever else. But we’re happy. For just one more day.”
“And after that? You’re just going to get hurt, Sharna. I think this is -.”
“What? A mistake? You think it’s wrong? Yeah. No shit. I know that. But I don’t care right now, okay? I just don’t. Please understand that.”
He looked sadly into her eyes. “I don’t understand it. But,” he added quickly, “for you, I’ll try. Just… please be careful. Promise me.”
She nodded, but didn’t say another word.
As soon as rehearsal was finished, they were in the car and on their way back to her place. He drove and she sat quietly, thinking about the inescapable question of “What now?”
“James,” she said softly, as they slowed down in traffic. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” he said at once, though she heard the hesitation in his voice.
“What’s going to happen next?” She didn’t really want to know the answer to this and she didn’t want to think about it, but what choice did she have. If she had to say goodbye to him, she felt it best to start now and prepare herself. “Tomorrow you leave and then… What?”
He was quiet for a full minute and she thought maybe he wasn’t going to answer her.
“Tomorrow I leave,” he repeated slowly. “And then I come back, hopefully very soon, and we… do this all again?” He glanced over at her before focusing on the road again. “Why do I feel like that’s not the answer you wanted?”
“Is that really what this is? Are we really those kind of people?”
“What kind of people?” he said almost defensively.
“Don’t make me say it, James. I want to be with you. God, I want it so bad. But it hurts. Knowing I’m with you and so is she. Because she is supposed to be with you. She’s the one you belong with. Not me. This isn’t fair to any of us, especially her.”
“You’re right,” he said breathlessly.
But then they both fell silent again and neither of them said another word for the rest of the drive.
The next morning, she stood at her front door and watched him walk out to the car. She didn’t trust herself to walk out there with him. She didn’t want a goodbye. She couldn’t do that.
