A close friend of mine shared this with me today, saying it reminded him of me. I looked it up, and it is from James Kavanaugh's novel There are Men too Gentle to Live Among Wolves. And, it is now added to my extensive list of books to read once I graduate. :) which is on SATURDAY.
“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.
We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.
For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.” - James Kavanaugh
This really touched me. The first three sentences relate directly to a post I have written, and just a thought that frequently enters my mind. I am almost on the verge of feeling frightened to how closely this quote relates to so many things I think about. "To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know" I have been wanting to put that thought, that feeling, into words for so long, and there it is. Staring at me from the computer screen. Speaking to my soul. I love to share in sadness not so I can be sad with someone else, but because when you share your sadness with someone, it is less isolating, and you realize you are not alone. And it is such a deep emotion and two people can grow so much closer through sharing that feeling. When we are sad, we are vulnerable, and finding someone who we can trust to feel our sadness as well is huge.
And then, there's love. I have tried to deny it. But, I am a lover. Most of all, I do want to be loved and return that love. I have this idea that I should take time to myself, and not get involved in a relationship. But, I can't help it. I am drawn to that. I think in a way I need it, not because I need someone but I need to love someone, just because I love the feeling of knowing someone else knows they are loved and cared about. This extends to friendships as well; it doesn't just have to be romantic love. I think my being a Libra has a lot to do with my affinity for love, as well. As I get older, I accept it, rather than trying to deny it.
. A . N E W . C H A P T E R .
I am graduating on Saturday! I won't be free yet though, I have to take two summer classes, but it's happening. And I am experiencing a variety of emotions: happy, excited, nervous, relieved, curious, scared, scared, scared, sad, unsure, scared of feeling unsure, stressed, and proud. I am proud of myself. I am scared. For the past... 16? 17? years of my life, I have been in school! Wow. This time of year typically brings excitement and anticipation as I think of the upcoming summer, and the upcoming school year, and what changes it will bring. I wonder what classes I will take, what that new professor will be like, what kind of things I will learn, who I will meet. Well, now I won't be going back to school. And I can do ANYTHING I want. And that is awesome, and scary. Scary in an awesome way. I am going to travel, but what do I do in between now and then? I am waiting until around October-December 2014 so I can save money and prepare.
Do I move after the summer? Or stay here until I leave for my travels? What makes the most financial sense? Do I go to India first? Or Indonesia, and work my way up throughout Southeast Asia? What am I dying to see the most? Oh yeah... everything. I know that I will be looking for a job in Thailand. And, hopefully I can teach somewhere in South America, Europe, or really anywhere else :) I can do anything I want to. My options are open. I think back on my past four years in college and how wonderful they have been. It has been such a special time in my life, and I love how it has influenced the person I am right now. And I feel confident when I say I am ready for whatever comes next.
