2024 was something else-I experienced some amazing highs and felt pain like I could never have anticipated…literally some of the worse I’ve ever felt. The stress of this year,both positive and negative,really took a toll on me. And while I still need to continue through the messiness that exists, there was one thing that emerged in 2024 that I shoved away nearly 13 years ago-a whole side of me.
He showed up every now and again throughout the years-mostly in job interviews, meetings with senior management, and every finance class I’ve ever taken-but when I got pregnant back in 2012 he (begrudgingly) went away. There are many things I wouldn’t have been able to do without him, but having a child and getting married was not one of them. I needed to be HER completely for this, and I gotta give credit to her because she is fierce as fuck. Because of this though, I never really reflected on anything. There were many signs of him through out the years and my dear wife obviously picked up on it because I quote “if my wife ever comes out and tells me she’s my husband this would be my reaction:”
I genuinely don’t really think about things too much-I’ve always been myself. But being smacked in the face at a red light on the way to work that the reason I went through many lengths so I don’t get a period or that I was SO miserable during pregnancy/after was because I was feeling dysphoric and it simply didn’t feel right was kind of a new thing. And I don’t think any of these realizations would have happened without other things happening in 2024.
So instead of Jamie just being a “concept” in my head that I created at 13, I realized that Jamie was me. And that kinda freaks me out a little. I don’t have a headmate or anything, I’m just me. I’m really not doing anything I’d didn’t do when I was way younger -super feminine and put together one day, extremely masculine the next, and 100% baller either way. I’m just am going to my adult job instead of school and instead of feeling guilty about it I feel rad as fuck.Have I thought about hormones since this realization-sure. But I don’t know if that’s quite where I need to go yet.
In the same way I needed her to get through certain things, I needed him to get me through 2024. And I’m really glad that he still exists. And I’m glad that he’s accepted by the majority of the world (however If you think I’ll ever tell my mom you’re absolutely nuts).
One of the biggest highlights of my year was being at the fair and @coelii was buying a braclet and I fully expected for her to get the lesbian one but she ended up getting the pansexual one. NOTHING has ever made me feel more seen than that and I feel all mushy whenever I think of it.
In fact, she makes me feel all mushy a lot. And despite everything, she is my world. And sometimes I’m not good at expressing that. But I want her to know I love her no matter what and I’m looking forward to another year with the most gorgeous woman on the planet. (This will be the 14th new year we’ve started together and that is fucking insane!)
So yeah-fuck off 2024 and happy 2025. Please have no earth shattering surprises.