I was sitting onto the floor -Indian style- when she came in. I didn't even have to look at her, I could recognize her by the sound of her stupid high heels.
Surprisingly, Maia -the psychologist- didn't ask me to stand up or sit on the coach, like she always used to. Instead, she took place on her chair and looked at me.
"I'm glad you came back" she said.
"You missed me that much, huh?" I grinned. What the hell was I doing there? I hated her, I have always hated her and that's something that will never change. She wasn't useful and I... didn't need her help. I didn't need help from anyone, at all.
"How are you?" Finally I looked up, at her, and shrug. I wasn't able to say OK and... it worried me. "Last time you were here things were sort of... unwell, between you and your brother, weren't they?" I shrug again, feeling stupid 'cause she knew. She knew about my sick state of mind, she was the one that once have told me to go away. Run away. She sucked as a therapist.
"Everything's okay" I blatantly lied.
I nodded. Jeez, she was playing smart with me. Another reason to hate her.
The guilt filled me again. Like every other time I talked about Jackson. I knew we weren't exactly friends... friends don't feel the way we feel about each other. Because I feel for him, but it scares me to death, so I pretend I don't. I always pretend I don't.
"He is... weird. We're very much alike and... My brother doesn't approve him as my friend." I stopped and licked my lips, wandering if I should tell her about it or not. I gave up. "We had a fight because of him... it was awful."
'What the fuck are you doing, Janis? Why in the world are you telling her these things? They are fucking private!' I could'n shut my mind up, but my subconscious was right. I knew I shouldn't be telling her that, I just needed someone, someone real, to talk to. I only had two friends, and they were both involved in the issues. I couldn't talk about Jackson with Tyler because it'll bring up a massive fight -I didn't need that-, and I couldn't talk about Ty with Jackson because I was scared to... scare him off.
Sigh after sigh. That was all I could do, sigh.
"Janis" Immediately I glanced up. "Are you still having those..." desires, I told to myself. "... urges towards your brother?" I grinned, just because of the word she choose to describe what I was feeling.
I knew that that scared the shit out of her, I quite enjoyed being able to scare her, because it made me forget how badly scared -of myself- was I.
"But he's not the only one now." I admitted. "I like someone else. I don't feel disgusted when he's near to me, or when he touches me... but I can't help thinking about my brother whenever he kisses me, and it only happened once... it's just I know that if it happens again I would think about Tyler too."
The door opened. I didn't even listen what the woman that came in said, I only stood up and looked at Maia. "Can I go now?"
"You should come next week." It was more a command than a proposal, I hated that, but I nodded and took my way to get the fuck out of there.
'You have said too much' I kept repeating to myself.
The truth was, I haven't even said enough.
