#jared rambles

[thatonemusicalkidnamedjared-blog]

Goosenavi

[jared-the-dm]

No offence or anything, but literally one of the best hugs in the world is when the other person fucking sprints up and nearly tackles you from the sheer force of their love. That is all.

[jared-the-dm]

My Week in Review - 8/18-8/25

I moved into my first apartment yay!!!! I have three amazing roommates who I was friends with last year, and I’m very happy with my living situation! It was the first week of Sophomore year, so that was fun! Classes are going well, I’m really liking my Astronomy class and of course all of my BFA classes. This summer, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, so I’m testing out medication to help me with school, and so far there as been an amazing improvement in my school work and focus in class, so I’m very happy with that. I also just got Cast in my first college musical: Sister Act! I can’t wait to being doing a show with my MT family! Also, just wrote a new song that is actually turning out pretty good, so I may post it in the next few days. All in all, a great first week back in school!

[jared-the-dm]

My week review #1

So, I think I’m gonna start doing these at the end of every week. Feel free to keep on scrolling! Here it goes:

Last week of summer!! It was a really nice week. Sunday I played an awesome game of Pathfinder (basically D&D) with @dandelion-enthusiast @bi-padfootpan and @jdvienjolras. Monday and Tuesday were pretty chill, then on Wednesday I was in a play-reading! It was an autobiographical play and I portrayed the young playwrite. It centred around his first love and how he navigated being gay in high school. Really cool play, loved being a part of it! On Thursday, I finally got my first prescriptions for my ADHD meds!! Hopefully I won’t fail any classes this semester. I also had some friends and family over that night, which was a blast. My cousin brought over his NES and we played the original Mario Kart!! Super fun! I also wrote my first song in MONTHS that I was proud of that night. Friday was really chill. Aside from packing everything up to get ready for the move into my apartment, I had a very fun day! Two of my best friends and I went to this VR experience that I might post some video from later! Well, all in all, a pretty good week and I’m looking forward to starting school again!!

[notofgold]

I know you won't read this.

And even if you do I don't know if it will matter to you at all.

The hardest part is feeling like you don't care. That you've just replaced me and that's what you wanted all along. That our 7 years didn't mean anything to you. That it was so easy to throw me away and ignore me.

The silence is the hardest part. You've been the first person I want to talk to every morning and the last person I want to talk to at night for years. You're such a huge part of my life.

I wish you'd say something kind to me. I wish you'd tell me you love me.

I wish I was good enough for you.

I tried so hard. I gave everything.

I wish you cared about me. I wish you loved me.

It's so hard and I don't know if I can do this.

I'm sorry.

I miss you so much. I don't know how to let you go.

Please miss me. Please love me. Please don't forget me. Please don't replace me.

Oh, please. I'd give anything.

I'm sorry I'm not much.

I'm sorry I don't know how to handle losing you. I'm doing my best.

I'll never know how to lose you.

I love you so much.

[notofgold]

My friend tried to kill herself today

She's in the hospital after trying to walk into traffic.

Despite her boyfriend, despite her mother, despite her son, despite her friends, despite her job, despite the progress she's been making.

I was thinking about doing the same thing all day.

Maybe she's just braver than I am.

I wish I was braver.

[notofgold]

Better Off

They'd be better off without you, you know. All of them. Just like your brain. Just like your heart. They're all better off. Better away. Better without. Better. If off. Just like you.

[notofgold]

Sorry

They say to be unapologetically yourself is to be free But I have never known the touch of freedom All I am is another apology Another sorry Another drop in a bucket already overflowing with that disgusting, worn-out word

My sorrys are threadbare things Falling from lips torn by their passing Rolling off the tongue like so much useless bile A record repeated to the point of meaninglessness

Sorry is all I am All I can offer in recompense for the lesions my brokenness inflames Sorry is all I have Because god, this heart barely works anymore and my greedy, clawing carelessness leaves only scars

I am a walking apology for myself An inadequate condolence card for my own existence

And to you who suffer me It may as well be my name My motto

Sorry.