The Last Love Letter from an Entomologist
I'm sorry, we have to get a divorce. I know that seems like a really odd way to start a love letter, but let me explain: It's not you, it's definitely not me; it's just human beings don't love as well as insects do. I love you far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species. I'm going to leave you now, while I still remember you fondly.
I saw the way you looked at the waiter last night. I know you would never do anything; you never do. But I saw the way you looked at the waiter last night.
Did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly it rewrites her brain, destroys her receptors for pheromones. Sensing the change, the male fly does the same. When two flies love each other, they do it so hard that they can never love anything else, ever again. If either one of them dies before procreation can happen, both sets of genetic code are lost forever. Now that, is dedication.
After I broke up with with Elizabeth we spent three days trying to divide all the things we had ever bought together. Like if I knew which pot was mine, like if I knew which drapes were mine, somehow the pain would go away. After two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down. While he still has control over his motor functions he flops onto his back, offers his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift. She then proceeds to lovingly, so lovingly, dice him into tiny cubes. Spooning every morsel into her mouth, she wastes nothing- even the exoskeleton is devoured. She does this so that when their children are born she has a first meal to regurgitate to feed them. Now that, is selflessness. I could never do that for you.
So I have a new plan: I'm going to leave you now. I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing petty injustices; I hope you do the same. I will jaywalk at every opportunity. I will steal things I could easily afford. I will be rude to strangers. I hope you do the same. I hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures. I hope we are reborn as flies so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.
