#jasper presents

[pastellnebula]

hm

im love boiye??

there is boye I like and im want 2 hold his hand and hug him and uh im afraid 2 tell him that.

like, oh my gosh, i really want to. i really really want to tell him

but hes my friend, one of my few friends, and i just. i dont know if i want to risk losing our friendship for that.

ugghhhhh its so confusing and it sucks and idek how to go about trying to be closer friends with him hhhhhhhhhhhhh life sucks

[pastellnebula]

so uh

ever since I broke up with my ex ive been reluctant to label myself as a demiboy

during our relationship, when i was feeling horrible abt my gender or related thing, my ex either just told me i was valid or used all my labels and it made me feel worse, like he was just reassuring my delusion.

protip: telling ur nonbinary boyfriend "but you really are a [their entire fucking identity using all their labels]", you're probably making them feel bad and you should check with them

after i broke up with him, I couldnt fucking think about using the word "demiboy" without hearing his voice in my head and it made me cringe. I felt scared.

he always made me feel insecure, unsafe, like i had to stick my arms to the sides of my stomach and make sure a wall was behind me. thinking about it, I still feel that

he will never understand that feeling

feeling like im not allowed to say no, that if i do, I'll be guilt tripped and blamed for something

feeling like i couldnt speak out against his actions towards other people and me, that id be an sjw if I did (hint: he implied that once when I said he shouldnt call black ppl at our school the n word, even if hes not saying to them. his excuse was "its a habit".)

feeling like if i focused on anything else but him, i was doing something wrong. once i went to town with my mom to watch a movie and go grocery shopping and i forgot to check my phone and i had at least 10 worried messages bc i hadnt texted him in 3 hours.

feeling like i made all this shit up even though i know i didnt. feeling like some of it happened but it actually wasnt as bad as I remember because he fucking gaslighted me

feeling unsafe at school and at home because he told his friends that Im trans without my knowledge and called me he/him and his bf at school, around people, so ill never know when my mom calling me into the living room or wanting to tell me something on the way to school is just about a funny video or something she read online she wants to show me or if its her confronting me about me being trans. I dont know if people at school know or not. im always fucking scared deep down.

he'll never fucking understand what he did to me and what he put me through.

last time he apologized he told me he still cared about me

if that were true, he wouldnt have treated me like he did even after we broke up. because apparently i didnt even know the worst of it

and his friends tell me he's suffering

but did he have a panic attack every day the first week of school because he was afraid of getting put on a team with me in Comp Science?

they tell me he's suffering too, but does he have panic attacks at the sound of tapping in a certain rhythm?

they say that, but does he have panic attacks around me because hes afraid i may do something to him? because hes afraid that me "wanting to talk" is something more?

did he spend fucking nights awake thinking that itd be better if he wasnt even there because some of his closest friends believed me over him?

no? oh wait fucking sorry that was me

people expect me to apologize to him

i honestly don't fucking know what i should apologize for

for hating the guy who ruined a year of my life? for hating the guy who caused me tons of fucking pain? i dont even know what.

[pastellnebula]

I fucking hate my ex. I hate that im here stuck with being triggered into panic attacks and flashbacks by drumstick tapping in a certain rhythm bc of his favorite song.

i hate that no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i want to forget about all of it and get it out of my life, i cant because the effects of our relationship are stamped into every day of my life.

I cant fucking listen to music without being afraid that the next song to come on will remind me of it.

i especially cant get over it when I cant be around my friends without being around him.

I cant go through a day of school without being around him

no matter how fucking much i try I cant get rid od this shit and he gets to apologize months later and expect us to be friends again

all I wanted was to stop feeling fucking isolated and stuck in my brain and i just wanted to stop feeling like I didnt exist and this is what i get. i get trauma. i get to have reminders of the piece of shit everytime i listen to music.

I get panic attacks everytime he talks to me. I get anxiety when I have to interact with him. I get flashbacks and feeling powerless. I get hours and hours of crying over our shitty relationship not because I miss it but because i miss my life before it happened.

I don't feel safe half the time at school anymore

a majority of my friends that are also friends with him expect me to just forgive him and move on bc "hes changed"

i dont fucking care that he changed. him "becoming a beter person" doesnt fucking make my triggers and panic attacks and tears and songs I can never listen to again and words I can never hear again go away.

it does fuck all. come back to me.when you have a way i can get rid of this shit then we'll talk

[pastellnebula]

when ur ex apologizes and thinks that makes everything ok between u but the only thing it makes better is how u feel emotionally abt him so all ur triggers are still there no matter what

he thinks we have a chance of a friendship but I can't fucking do that when hearing the intro to his favourite system.of a down song triggered me and gave me flashbacks and made me.feel super unsafe.

the intro is just fucking tapping with drumsticks. it's not even a specific intro and I'm just sitting here shaking bc of it and I kinda feel powerless.

like, no matter what he's gonna end up moving on with his life whilst I'll still have emotional scars and nothing can change that, y'know. no amount of apologizing can ever fucking change that and as much as I wanna say things are better between us, I don't think things can be much better than just a mutual agreement to not hate each other and go our separate ways bc not.only do I feel unsafe around him, stuff like this happens and it makes.me.feel worse. and y'know, some of the things I had label triggers, I thought I mislabeled them and that they were actually just things I was kinda uncomfy with, but now I realize they're not, they're triggers (I.e. I thought I was just uncomfy around him but him asking me if he could talk.1 on 1 with me in person made me have a panic attack, and now this)

[pastellnebula]

life feels vvv... surreal rn

like, my ex apologized for how hes treated me in the past and recently yesterday. and it was an actual apology. and that just makes me feel... weird. like, i accepted it and i told him that I'm not sure abt being friends but that we basically have a truce. but just, idk something abt it + me being/having been in an episode of depersonalization/derealization for a few weeks has made me feel. odd.

I think theres a small naive part of me thats like "u should go back" yet I cant even fucking talk to him 1 on 1 w/o having a panic attack. i think that part tho is less saying it bc its him and more saying it bc I just want someone to be there for me + for.me to.be there for someone. cause i just. dont have anyone I feel super close to like that in my life. any time i have a problem, I honestly dont know who to go to anymore. I just want someone I can be close to again tbh.

but alas, life sucks. and its all just. oof

[pastellnebula]

hello im very annoyed bc I just feel like i cant have a relationship w/anyone at all during highschool bc i live in a very rural town (there are like abt 60 kids in my grade, and thats being generous, theres probably close to 40).

and like, all the ppl who even like me end up being transphobic in some way, or they just most likely wouldnt accept me if they knew I'm a dude(i mean, im nb, but I still like id as a trans guy, idk, labels r confusion).

and like, all the guys i like are het which fucking sucks. I feel like im left out of the whole "highschool sweethearts" thing bc theres fucking no one who would ever like me for me and actually, idk, treat me at least nicely and not fucking expect me to be their fucking therapist at every twist and turn and not fucking try to manipulate me into shit and all this other fucking shit and i fucking hate it

sometimes i just fucking wish i couldve been born a guy because it would be so.much fucking easier for me to deal with this shit as an nb masc person than me being afab. i wouldn't have to be fucking uncertain about every fucking guy i talk to.

literslly right fucking now it feels like one of my friends im talking to more outside of school is just trying to get with me and i dont fucking want that. i just want to have friends who can listen to my problems for the sake of being my friend and nothing else and i just want someone to be close to. I just fucking want something that isnt a fucking romantic relationship filled with unhappiness and stress and anxiety.

[pastellnebula]

hello I feel like shit.

I rlly wanna text the guy i like but i feel like id just be bothering him and i dont like being a bother.

besides that, i feel like shit bc i just... idk i feel like shit.

i had built myself up this foundation for the past few months that ive been happy. ive felt so.much better. i told myself that I cant let little things bother me. that life may suck but I can still be optimistic.

but this week i came to the realization that my dad cheated on my mom before they got divorced (theyve been divorced for 9 years) and that just made this whole tower of happiness that i made for myself come crashing down. well, that and it simultsneously pulled me out of the episode of derealization I was having and put me back into another one.

i feel like I'm just stuck in the debris of all the happiness that i built up. and I hate it. it doesnt help that i feel like i have no friends outside of school. like, rn, I feel isolated and alone and i tried talking to a friend but she hasnt texted me back and i dont know what to do. i feel so distant from my friends and like im always just a fucking outlier pushing my way into their lifes and their friendships and like itd be better if i just wasnt there.

i feel unwelcome everywhere i go that isnt my own house. i hate it. i just wish itd stop. and i dont wanna bring anything up to my friends bc i don't want them to dislike me for bringing shit up and i dont want to be more annoying than I feel like I am. i dont wanna be here. i just. i fucking hate it. and it honestly feels like no one gives a fucking shit abt me besides my family, and only some of my family at that.

[pastellnebula]

yall i fuckin hatelove how my ex, when we were together, and after i told him i kinda believe in celtic paganism, he made this group chat on FB messenger called smth like "atheists, Satanists, pagans, and heathens in general" as fucking if i was in the same general category as he was and the way that he fucking feels abt religion and shit like that.

when we were together, he was one of those athiests who like, talked abt all major religions as if they were all bad, and like, despised ppl bein overly religious if they weren't his friends, and it made me uncomfy tbh.

anyways, so like, one day he apparently downloads this wiccan spell book app(not the paganism that i follow) and was like "hey lol I downloaded this stupid spell book thing we should see if they work" and they were all like, idk, mundane things like to make u feel better or to get rid of zits. and like, idk, it made me feel bad bc he was making fun of them and calling the app a pagan spell book, and he fucking knew i follow paganism(loosely, but still). even looking back on it, it fucking upsets me bc I fucking lied to him abt how much of celtic paganism i believe in bc i legit thought hed make fun of me

now that i think abt it, he made me feel so damn fucking ashamed for some of the stuff i like and he just, made me feel like shit and i always felt like he looked at me as this fucking delicate flower trans boi UwU and it makes me so damn fucking upset. he never used anything but my masc pronouns, he only ever refered to me as a boy or my entire specific gender which made me feel like fucking shit and more dysphoric bc it made me feel like he was just reassuring my delusions or something like that. I fucking hated it and i dont even know if he knows that.

I hated how he called me the f-slur when I feel like im not in the place to reclaim it and he didnt even fucking ask if i was okay with it (hint:i wasnt but i went along with it bc hes like 2 years older than me and i just... idk i was afraid to say anything against him)

and after 7 damn months of me bein nothing but the best person I could be towards him, when i broke up with him, he fucking told one of my closest friends that i treated him like shit and he has the damn fucking audacity to refer to me as shit like 'the dark one'. I call him shit like that but thats because he literally turned the band i listened to most as comfort music into a trigger for me.

I fucking hate it so much. why the fuck does he get to get out of it telling his friends all these damn fucking lies about me whereas i get triggers and like 1 friend who I can talk to abt this shit with and know he wont hear abt it.

why the fuck does he get close friends and a kinda functional life when I get fucking dissociation and depersonalization and feeling like I'm not even in control of my life and not having contact with the people i care most about

idk this turned into a much bigger rant than I anticipated and i just. i fuckin hate it. i hate it all.