ever since I broke up with my ex ive been reluctant to label myself as a demiboy
during our relationship, when i was feeling horrible abt my gender or related thing, my ex either just told me i was valid or used all my labels and it made me feel worse, like he was just reassuring my delusion.
protip: telling ur nonbinary boyfriend "but you really are a [their entire fucking identity using all their labels]", you're probably making them feel bad and you should check with them
after i broke up with him, I couldnt fucking think about using the word "demiboy" without hearing his voice in my head and it made me cringe. I felt scared.
he always made me feel insecure, unsafe, like i had to stick my arms to the sides of my stomach and make sure a wall was behind me. thinking about it, I still feel that
he will never understand that feeling
feeling like im not allowed to say no, that if i do, I'll be guilt tripped and blamed for something
feeling like i couldnt speak out against his actions towards other people and me, that id be an sjw if I did (hint: he implied that once when I said he shouldnt call black ppl at our school the n word, even if hes not saying to them. his excuse was "its a habit".)
feeling like if i focused on anything else but him, i was doing something wrong. once i went to town with my mom to watch a movie and go grocery shopping and i forgot to check my phone and i had at least 10 worried messages bc i hadnt texted him in 3 hours.
feeling like i made all this shit up even though i know i didnt. feeling like some of it happened but it actually wasnt as bad as I remember because he fucking gaslighted me
feeling unsafe at school and at home because he told his friends that Im trans without my knowledge and called me he/him and his bf at school, around people, so ill never know when my mom calling me into the living room or wanting to tell me something on the way to school is just about a funny video or something she read online she wants to show me or if its her confronting me about me being trans. I dont know if people at school know or not. im always fucking scared deep down.
he'll never fucking understand what he did to me and what he put me through.
last time he apologized he told me he still cared about me
if that were true, he wouldnt have treated me like he did even after we broke up. because apparently i didnt even know the worst of it
and his friends tell me he's suffering
but did he have a panic attack every day the first week of school because he was afraid of getting put on a team with me in Comp Science?
they tell me he's suffering too, but does he have panic attacks at the sound of tapping in a certain rhythm?
they say that, but does he have panic attacks around me because hes afraid i may do something to him? because hes afraid that me "wanting to talk" is something more?
did he spend fucking nights awake thinking that itd be better if he wasnt even there because some of his closest friends believed me over him?
no? oh wait fucking sorry that was me
people expect me to apologize to him
i honestly don't fucking know what i should apologize for
for hating the guy who ruined a year of my life? for hating the guy who caused me tons of fucking pain? i dont even know what.
2087
pixelskylines
dailybridgerton
izzy806
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
areudirty
