not negative, just a breakdown (HAHA im funny) of the Situation this morning
soooo, the breakdown today was embarassing as shit and i hated it, but it DID show me that there are people that care about me in bristol, namely cap
basically i have no idea WHY the breakdown happened. i hadn’t taken my medication but i dont usually take it until the afternoon anyway? i think it was just the culmination of all my stressors, PLUS being late to the session, PLUS feeling like a massive disappointment when coach got pissed that just fuckin. wrecked me.
i get SUPER withdrawn when i get low, and since today was a competition shoot i was really overwhelmed thinking of having to like. muscle in and shoot on someone’s target. like id just be waltzing in late and just setting up normally. so i just kind of hovered at the back a bit not really knowing what i should do about the situation and also being acutely aware that i was about to have at least an anxiety attack. coach came over and was like “??why you standing here, you can wait with the others you know” like kind of lightheartedly but also somewhat knowing something was possibly up
after a bit more hovering around i set up the 18# bow because there were already 2 people on the 22# and me also using it with my own sight would have been a massive clusterfuck. cap then also noticed i wasn’t as chatty and like, interested in whats going on as i usually am and offered me to shoot on his target, which i accepted. bit more hovering, grabbed my arrows, set them down, and then coach came over again like hey whats up?? and i was no longer entirely convincing at this point but said “yeah no im fine” anyway. i then panicked and quietly said to him that i take antidepressants and that this is just a thing that happens and that i need to take a minute outside, and went into the loos to try and get the breakdown and sobbing out of my system
cold water to try and keep my eyes from being so red, didnt work as well as i’d hoped. tried to compose myself, then went back in again. coach asked if i was alright again, and i said yeah, which was when someone else nearby chimed in with “you dont look okay”. ding ding ding! easiest way to nullify my attempts at composure. then coach tried to be like “hey c’mon, smiles!” and i laughed but it set me off again so i was like “bloody hell, now ive got to go back outside!”
so i went out AGAIN because clearly the breakdown was showing no signs of letting up. back into the loos for a bit more privacy and less awkwardness for the sport centre patrons, and then when i got out after tidying myself up, i saw cap was waiting for me. he sort of asked like, hey its not any of my business if you dont want to talk about it, but are you alright? and since talking is not my strong suit when im in this state and actually just makes me even worse, i briefly explained about antidepressants again and also that talking makes me worse and that id be back in in a sec once ive regained composure.
i was hovering outside the door to the hall for ages because i knew that going back in would probably just trigger the episode again because of the intense anxiety, and after a bit cap came out the door again, presumably looking for me, didnt notice i was standing by the door so i was like “’sup”. i motioned that i was about to come back in because i knew talking would put me back to square one again. gave me a thumbs up and i followed him back in a few seconds behind.
when i actually started shooting i miraculously recovered, almost. after one or two ends i was back to normal, i guess because i had something to concentrate on aside from the crippling throes of depression?? and i also somehow managed to get my best score while in the middle of/recovering from a small breakdown. que sera, i guess.
then when we were pulling arrows a bit later, one of the female barebowers on the target next to us overheard cap saying about the scores i was averaging, and was like “wait, she’s not shooting barebow is she?” and without missing a beat cap was just like “he.” “he.” “he.” until she got the message and was like “ohhh shit sorry”. the first time ive experienced someone actively correcting someone who has misgendered me?? internally i was like oh my god, what is this.
after the session, at the social when we were at the bar (cap was also paying for my food because id left my bank card somewhere dumb) he said “earlier when i was correcting [name], that wasnt too out of line was it?” and i was like no, no, its actually refreshing for people to correct others for me. and apparently one of his flatmates is transgender i think?? or at least is active within the trans community. and he said so he generally keeps up with trans stuff.
and so i may have a bit of a platonic friend-crush on him. while adorable to boot, i have eyes for someone else and also have no idea about his orientation
