when youâre like enamored with and in awe of your friend who seems to have this endless creative drive and brilliant comedic mind and you know heâs gonna do great things someday so youâre gonna find any way you can to stick around with him but also heâs so strange and crazy it kind of stresses you out when you have to present yourselves publicly because you know intimately what itâs like when you are too unabashedly âout thereâ but heâs also incredible at talking his way out of things which youâre also kind of in awe of so thereâs this persistent oscillation between like âoh god whatâs gonna happenâ and âthis is everything to meâ so you gotta make sure you have other career avenues open in case things truly do go awry but as the years go on you realize this is actually gonna work and it is in fact working as we speak and so you donât have to be so stressed out anymore and you can kinda let him do the talking and just be there to pull him back when he does go too crazy but you do it affectionately because you know him and you love him and you know how special he is and you see yourself in him in a scary but beautiful way
god i forgot about this one. jay talking about how the most fulfilling part of his work is when he molds his own instincts to match the directorâs instincts in a âwhere i end you beginâ kind of way
hi ive been thinking a lot about your meta on jay's fascination with devotion and the surrender of the self in his lyrics, that religious/cult imagery that comes up a lot. and i just started listening to the dnd podcast he was on, Dwarven Moss, and sharing because his character may interest you if you aren't familiar.
I'm only on episode 5, so early in and idk how much of it can inform jayworld but reaching a scene where he describes his backstory (timestamped if you want that, ends at 9:00) made me think ohhh yeah. yeah idk its all very jay isn't it.
idk if this is anything but ive been thinking hard about it ok byee
âbut then, something pulled me to that axe. the axe i built myself, iâd known my whole life, just a simple little axe, done me well. grabbed a hold of it but this time it was different. something⊠got inside me. havenât really been able to part with it since, because, when i grabbed a hold of it, it wasnât till moments later i started to feel something was wrong with it. i felt like the blade was like a part of me, and its clean untouched blade was giving me so much pain and discomfort and i⊠i didnât know what to do, i just paced around for a while. i tried to get rid of it, but i couldnât part with it. and then i sort of blacked out a little and, well, my body just sort of took over, went waltzing across the field, and i just walked and walked with the clouds above me. still no rain, just shadow above. and i walked into my neighborâs farm a couple fields over, went into their house⊠and i knew them my whole life, and i cut them all down. and i walked back, and i felt that rain come down. but it didnât wash the blood off my blade. it stayed dirty, stayed bloody. and i liked it like that.â
why is it always the same shit oh my GOD jay âtheir instincts becoming my ownâ mccarrol writes a dnd character who literally feels the evil axeâs desires become his own okay sure. sure the destructive side of devotion just like he alludes to in all his cult-themed lyrics just like in nirvanna the band especially the webseries particularly when he burns down a guyâs house could you theoretically say matt in that episode is his evil axe itâs fine. itâs fine
@rpfofficial thank uuuuu itâs an honor <3 iâm very excited to read your fic âŒïž
enormous disclaimer i am insane and this is a really long post. iâm not making any actual claims about anything i am just doing my parasocial psychoanalysis special interest hobby but i donât truly know anything at all. enter at your own risk
ok so. in retrospect i think i shouldâve started that whole webweaving post off with this quote from the zine interview
âI still feel like â when Spielberg has E.T. ending with the bikes, and John Williams' score is just going all out, for this blitz to the ending â that I can confidently say is the farthest that my heart and my spirit can swell. I well up, and I'm just, like, this is as powerful as Iâve seen possible in the life that I have been gifted on this earth. This is a very powerful, powerful, powerful feeling⊠so powerful that it basically says, that is what the meaning of life is to me. So I now chase that. I try to emulate it; I look for opportunities to see it, experience it, create it for somebody else.â
we all had that moment as kids where we felt in our core the deep potential there is in being alive and now no matter how realistic life gets weâve never truly been able to leave it behind right?
anyway i find it interesting how following this thread in the things he says paints a picture of a guy who is perpetually seeking deep meaning, deep belonging, deep connection⊠sometimes at all costs. or at least the fantasy of all costs, of leaving everything behind to jump into a new world with all-consuming purpose. which seems to be something he sort of literally did when he was younger with christianity, and then evidently turned around on once he realized the perils. but it seems the fascination never left him as itâs still verbiage he uses and subject matter he writes songs about.
in my mind i tie this all into autism as well for a number of reasons. i already talked to you a little about being a privileged white guy with autism and wanting to be special and part of the in-group. and in addition to the autism thereâs also of course the elements of having parents who put pressure on you and wanting to make them proud or at least get them off your back, and also potentially parents who are overprotective and so you react by seeking freedom and the thrill of âgetting away withâ stuff. thereâs an interesting tension there that i think is reflected in jay the characterâs internal conflict. i also think this dynamic translates equally to the way we are treated by society, our peers, the opportunities and expectations presented to us by those in power. capitalism obviously plays a part in putting pressure on people and making them feel like they have to stand out to survive. so i think a certain kind of ambition makes sense in an audhd person who does not find a more typical life path appealing or even viable. you feel like you have this untapped potential but you donât know how to apply it because you donât find it completely easy to fit in right now, but once you prove yourself, eventually theyâll all see. this is something i notice more strongly in matt than in jay, but jay sincerely wanting to be the next john williams shows me thereâs at least a hint of it there.
a lot of this of course is stuff anybody of any neurotype can feel, but in my experience the stakes are always magnified when you struggle to fit in on such a fundamental level. thereâs a reason autistic people are so much more prone to developing personality disorders. again thatâs getting more into matt territory but it doesnât surprise me at all that jay would be attracted to someone a bit more turbulent like matt. itâs his gateway to the rush of getting away with all the crazy shit they do and celebrating their autistic joy that they equate to childhood because thatâs the only time in life itâs allowed and daring to dream of doing great artistic things that will really mean something. it always strikes me watching the blooper reel how assertive jay gets about whether or not what theyâre doing makes sense and how it will come across to the audience. he sees potential in this little space shared between him and matt (and eventually they rest of zapruder) and wants to capitalize on it because thatâs where the meaning heâs chasing lies. itâs the secret world above social rules that only the coolest people can access, and he just wants to make it legible enough that it can be their legacy.
so looking at all of this, the recurring cult theme in his lyrics makes total sense to me. the danger that makes you feel alive, the special secret cool kids club where you get away with things no one else can. elliot and his siblings finding E.T. and knowing they canât tell the adults. and then of course the surrender of the self to a deep and meaningful mission.
which is the other aspect of this that sticks out to me and again which i tie into autism. jay is a mimic, heâs high-masking, he comes across pretty normal and cool in a way we all know you have to work for if youâre autistic. but naturally it seems he always longs for something more exciting and more meaningful than what fitting into the normal world provides. he develops a reverence for things that mirror childhood movie-magic wonder because he wants to believe in santa claus, he wants to hear the polar express bell ringing. and it seems to me he really admires and looks up to people who embody this.
he also loves video games and like half-ironically prides himself on his skills. if youâre high-masking have you ever experienced the sensation of gamifying socializing so that it becomes a fun challenge to figure out how to fit in and receive validation instead of just suffering from being weird? learning how to make jokes and do the little dance of friendly social rivalry that occurs (especially between guys) in a way that becomes entertaining and fulfilling to you? for some reason this is a situation iâve found myself in time & time again so maybe iâm just projecting but. there is something to be said about the appeal of being malleable as a way to derive your social worth, even if itâs at a cost. makes me think of the âcult kids lyric âweâre watching out for you like a bullet in a big red flag youâre waving.â itâs intoxicating to belong.
along similar lines thereâs also something really special about improv and being able to be enough on the same page as someone that itâs like⊠ok i donât know how to describe it besides telepathic mind sex. itâs like being in a jam band (which is another analogy jay used). itâs connection on such a deep level, and in my experience it feels so extra special when youâre autistic and not usually afforded that kind of social telepathy.
itâs also notable to me that jay has said he hasnât quite found his own songwriting voice yet and what he likes better about scoring in comparison is that he knows exactly how to serve the vision. which first of all, the autism of it all. the open-ended infinite possibilities vs the concrete structure where you know exactly what is expected of you. but also itâs like, heâs let matt talk over him in interviews for 20 years. it seems he is a guy who would rather let someone else be in the driverâs seat while he does whatever he can to contribute. which makes me think of what matt said about embracing failure and making your shortcomings part of what makes your art your own. i almost feel like a similar concept is applicable here, when youâre high-masking and more used to that than just being yourself all the time. to the point where masking sort of becomes part of your identity and a skill that you take pride in. to the point where you find mimicking and adapting the form of art that fulfills you the most.
cuz then itâs a special kind of connection, especially if youâve found someone you really trust and whose vision you really believe in. then all the responsibility doesnât fall on your shoulders but you still get to be part of something that feels meaningful to you. itâs almost like a vicarious validation or something, to get to know something you love so deeply and intimately that you can be an essential part of serving it or recreating it. like he does with his soundalike scores, the way he talks about âlearning the codeâ and then writing originally within it. iâm having a hard time articulating this because i think it is sort of the ultimate dream to me. here is a long as fuck quote
âI'm interested in anything that I can successfully understand on a sort of spiritual level, like, I know what this is TRYING to do â where I can start having the conviction to say: it should be this, it should be that. I want to move around, I want to do lots of things. I'd love to play a villain in a movie, if I understand it. I wouldn't want to go in blindly and have a director go, ah, you've got a certain look, and I want you to say these lines. I want to be able to do what I do on every film, where I know what we're going for. We've always said, with our group, that it's like remembering a dream that we all had. None of us remember it, but through talking about what it was and what it wasn't, we start to formulate a little bit of that light at the end of the tunnel that makes up an image. The more I can absorb what the material is, all together, I feel the power to start dictating what is the vision and what isn't. And it makes things easier, because otherwise we're all just spinning Roladexes of creative energy. You're either swinging in too many different directions, or you have paralysis by analysis. But if you have a clear vision, it helps dictate all of your decisions. That's kinda what I like about film scoring as opposed to songwriting. I don't think I ever really, yet, have found what my voice is in songwriting. But for every film, there is a North Star where I know exactly what it should be â rather than just writing music where I can go, well this sounds good. And this also sounds good⊠with scoring I can go this one serves the vision. Otherwise I could make five different melodies, or ten, or a hundred. This one sounds good, and it's good for the movie. That sort of progress has become rewarding.â
itâs like having your cake and eating it too, almost. you get to worship something greater than yourself while also having your own ideas to contribute and be confident in. recognition of the self via the other i guess but more than just recognition: creation and validation. matt and jay have said several times that when they met each other they validated each other. matt the magician and jay the mesmerized but also matt the insecure and jay the cool older kid. matt the more outwardly weird and jay the more careful about keeping up appearances but who gets to reap the rewards of mattâs ambition and live his weirdness through the vision they create together.
and i see this in how jay behaves with matt during interviews. heâs let him talk over him for 20 years but also is always the one â maybe the only one â who will point it out if matt is getting too crazy. but itâs always with affection and with this knowing smirk of like, yeah youâre crazy and i donât want us to look crazy but at the same time i love it and i get it and this proximity to it is honestly kind of thrilling so letâs just not give too much of it away. i think i sound fucking insane now trying to explain this if the previous 9000 paragraphs werenât already insane enough but do you know what i mean ???
whichhhh brings me to âexit weâ which iâve been wanting to talk about for so fucking long but havenât quite figured out how to articulate. i feel like this song must be inspired by a movie or something because itâs so specific and the stakes are so high. but the emotional thread behind it resonates with everything iâve been trying to describe here. itâs sort of that âvalidation of the self via the otherâ thing but in a more destructive way. hereâs this person who i admire/resent/envy, let me prove that i can beat them at their own game and then i will have actualized myself to the highest degree. except in this instance it seems that beating them = death. whether itâs one or both of them dying, ultimately this connection the narrator was trying to achieve, the bond or the shared secret world that couldâve been achieved if they saw and understood each other, will be dead and gone. the wider world is now deprived of whatever special thing these two had, and no one else will ever understand what it was. âno one will see the worst in you / no one believes the way i do.â but at least in some sense they went out together. exit we.
IDK ITS ALL CRAZYYYYY IT MAKES ME CRAZY this honestly isnât even everything i could say but i NEED TO STOP WRITING THIS POST AT SOME POINT so thanks for reading good night
look i know weâve talked this moment to death but mostly we talk about you were amazing youâre incredible which like yeah of course . but what really gets me is the âyeahâ âwhatâ like just blatantly hanging on his every word , In the first episode. before they even really figured out what was gonna happen with the show. this was just his instinct. ok
ok i might have the most top-heavy âlove of nirvanna the band : number of movies i've actually seenâ ratio of anyone in the world but i just watched E.T. for the first time cuz i realized i can't be doing jay analysis if i've never seen the movie he doesn't shut up about. so anyway this isn't even the part he always brings up but can you believe jay âi want to see through the director's eyes so that their instincts become my ownâ mccarrol's favorite movie includes a major plot point about somebody being able to physically feel all the sensations their new best friend feels
