#jbhp

[kafelattae]

Jet Black Heart Palette

All eyeshadows included in the palette are individual shadows from Makeup Geek and Morphe. They’ve just been renamed for the creation of the edit.

SEE THE PALETTE EDIT HERE

1. After Midnight 

2. Hurricane

3. Blood In My Veins

4. Jet Black Heart

Estimated Cost: $18

[ofpaperandponies]

away when you were here

my best friend who was my fancy nouveau baby brother and who im sure i was chatting with the whole time i was too busy to talk to you when you were installing the record player at mom and dad’s the day before i left

the day before you were killed

will be older than you were on june 3, 2017

[ofpaperandponies]

and time marches on...

On Valentine's Day, Allie referred to her relationship with my brother as "her last relationship", in a post she made on Facebook.

I don't know what it was about the post that hit me so hard - the love for her, the missing my brother, or the slight lifting of the weight of my concern about her, but I almost wanted to cry.

Though, for what it's worth, she DID post about becoming a crazy cat lady. I reminded her that "crazy cat lady" has no barrier within relationships (I have always been one), and she told me she was one long before Bren...I smiled. She'll be alright. Someday. Somehow. Just like all of us. I have to remember to see her when I'm in town again.

[ofpaperandponies]

Crow Vs. Raven by Paso Ravens are also largely solitary, while crows are gregarious. Crows tend to be snippy at each other, while ravens, when in groups, tend to play "games" that seem to (at least to humans) have no purpose other than fun. Crows play, too, but primarily as yearlings or younger.

[biomedicalephemera]

Your tattoos are beautiful <3 if you don't mind me asking, what happened to your brother?

Ahh, thanks. :) They're simple but they make me happy, for now.

My brother was killed in a bike accident back in July. I posted about it back when it happened. We're getting ready to celebrate our first Thanksgiving without him - he was a chef and a baker and Thanksgiving was *his* holiday - so it's pretty rough right now, but that's how it goes. Nothing we can do to change it.

My life is a bit filled with ravens right now because of all this. I don't mind. They're annoyingly brilliant birds.

[ofpaperandponies]

i miss him so much

it almost makes me happy to miss him, though

to miss a person so much reminds me how much i loved him, even if i didnt appreciate it at the time

you never appreciate water until the well runs dry

my time of mercy and sympathy for the bitch who took him from me is over, though. she was a young idiot who was probably doing the same dumb shit every other dumb idiot does, but I still have no sympathy right now.

my mom was almost certainly right - she wasn't upset afterwards because she realized what she did and was concerned about the other life, but because she was a self-centered asshole adolescent who knows nothing about the world and only cared about the fact that she knew she would be in trouble for this. she cared about herself and the consequences for her own life, not the damage she caused to others. she cried and wailed over her own fear and uncertainty and confusion, not for taking a more vibrant human than herself from this planet.

im sure i will forgive her someday, and it probably wont take that long, compared to many people. but I refuse to push aside this furious anger now, simply because it is unbecoming to a civilized human, or because it is not something people are not supposed to express. I am furious. I miss him so much and he was a million times more wonderful than she will ever be.

if nothing else he made ME a decent human - dont get me wrong, i'll continue to try and work on myself without him, but knowing the possibility of his praise is no longer there, and that his scathing critiques can no longer improve my often-shoddy attempts at being a decent human, that can't be replaced.

she didn't just kill one person

she ravaged a community

im so jealous that his death has had such a wide-ranging impact, but it's heart-warming, in a way. you realize how widely he was known and loved when you see how many people were at his private ceremony - and how many will be at the theater memorial this weekend. I will never have a circle of impact that large, and I'm okay with that. But the fact that his was so incredibly disrupted proves how much he mattered in life.

[biomedicalephemera]

Please don't push yourself past what you want to do while you are grieving. It hasn't been very long and you had a BIG loss. Let yourself take all the time you need, and your fans out here will be glad when you come back, and glad that you are taking care of yourself.

Thank you, it means a lot. :) The support I have gotten has helped so much. I'm getting through this, slowly, but steadily. I miss him so much, but I am so grateful for the time I had with him. I'm angry at the person who killed him, but feel for her lifelong burden, too. Getting through things is complicated. But I will, and I'll be back. He liked that I had success (and enjoyment) in blogging. I can't abandon it. I won't abandon it.

Real posts again soon.

Maybe (!) even tonight. :)

[ofpaperandponies]

I need to stop thinking when it's past midnight

it never ends well

now I'm having anxiety problems about Max headroom AND i miss my baby brother again

damnit

but mostly max headroom...*shudder*